last post ever.

It's the last day of 2014. This year was a fucking roller coaster, and I'm happy as hell that it's over. 2015 is a new year. I'm going to turn 30. I'm going to try to inch closer to adulthood. In that vein, this is my last post here. I never really got into this blog the way I have my old ones, so I'm shutting it down. I'm starting a new grown-up blog over on Wordpress called "Tears. Sweat. Sea." Nothing's up there now, but I have a few posts in the queue and I'll be writing there regularly next year. It'll be a little different. A little less anonymous, a little more raw and honest, and hopefully updated more regularly.

Happy New Year, everyone! I wish you all the best!

yay! i have a theme for 2015.

I've been struggling to figure out what I wanted 2015 to be about. As most of you know, 2014 was Year of Fun. Somehow, it was successful! I made a lot of plans, kept them, and did some epically fun shit with my friends. I cut off some old ties, established some boundaries, and tried some new things. Fun was had, even though the year started off with a blood clot (or 10).

After a long time of thinking about what I want in 2015, I've decided it will be a new YoF - Year of Fitness. By fitness, I mean my emotional, mental, spiritual, sexual, financial and physical health. It's time for me to look at the different pieces of my life and make sure they are healthy. I want to get my money right - it's time to actually live with a budget and save more and have a plan for my finances. I want to start meditating and doing yoga to get some zen back in my life. I can't just drink all my problems away (although, it's pretty damn fun to do that). I want to continue to reevaluate my friendships and relationships and make sure they are healthy and reciprocal. I want to have more sex (and better sex), even if it's just with myself. Lastly, I want to get fit. I've never much cared about weight or anything - I don't want to become someone who lives and dies by the scale - but I do care about feeling like my body is capable of anything. I want to get back into my athlete mindset and really push my body to its limits. It's going to be agonizing, but it's time. I want my old body back, the one that could run, jump, and sprint. Also, sleeping better. I have the most fucked up sleep schedule of anyone I know. It's time to fix that.

2015 - I'm ready for you!

i deleted my online dating profiles.

All of them. No Tinder, no Coffee Meets Bagel, no Hinge, no OKCupid. I think this is the first time since graduating college that I haven't been actively online dating. It's kind of nice. I just want to start 2015 with a clean slate. I am really tired of the annoying, soul sucking nature of online dating and a break is necessary. It's weird, though, because I have very little outlets for flirting, which I miss. I'm kind of hoping that if I tone down the online shit, I'll be more likely to force myself to be in situations where I meet people in the real world. More bars, more clubs, more extracurricular activities where single men may be present. This is the goal, although I'm sure I'll probably end up reactivating all my shit sometime in January when I get bored and want attention. I'm just considering it a little sabbatical from online dating. My hopes are not all that high, but at least I won't be dealing with disappointing bullshit for a little while. That's always a plus.

thoughts from christmas break.

This was the first year that I didn't really want to go home. I don't know why... I just felt unsettled and I wanted to stay put in SF. Also, there's been so much traveling this year and I was hoping for the chance to chill and relax. So, I decided to shorten my stay in NY and come back to SF early so I could spend New Years there. I have no plans, which is kind of scary, but I really just want to relax and prepare for the New Year.

Today, the fam went to go look for a kitten to keep my mom company. We didn't find one, so the hunt continues! It's kind of strange to be home without a pet in the house. Catface (RIP) didn't like me much, but it was nice to have her presence and she was super friendly when she wanted to be fed. The house just feels kind of empty without an animal to keep us company. I'm hoping we find a new kitten soon!

I'm trying to plan out what things look like for me in the New Year. This year was the Year of Fun and I think it went really well, even despite hating my job and almost dying like 5 days into the year. I'm not sure what I want my theme to be for 2015. I'm turning 30, which is CRAZY. I still act feel like I'm in my mid-twenties. There are several things that I want to focus on - love, adulthood, finding my passion and purpose, traveling, being a kick-ass event marketer. I think 2015 is going to be a good year. It just has to be. I'm really ready to make certain things happen for myself this year. 2014 was a lot of dullness, a lot of being unhappy and unfulfilled at my job, and really not knowing where or who I wanted to be. Now, the cloud is lifting and I am looking forward to January 1st.

Anyway, I have to pop away to go wrap all of my gifts for the fam. Have a happy holiday, everyone!

late night blogging.

Vest told me to blog about something interesting. There really is nothing interesting going on in my life right now, so I will just blog. I will probably be pulling an all-nighter to get all my shit done before tomorrow. Hosting a party is hard work!

I'm saddened by the lack of men in my life, but at the same time, I'm kind of feeling a bit lazy and icky, so maybe it's for the best. This is definitely nowhere near my longest sexual drought, but I miss flirtation. I have pretty much no prospects right now, though. The holidays always seem to be a huge dating drought. I wish something fun would happen while I'm home in New York, but the likelihood is that I will just see 10 movies with Cindy and spend a lot of time at my parents' house in my pajamas. I've even stopped waxing, that's how bleak shit is.

I had my first workout with my new trainer today. I'm really going to start recommitting myself to fitness. I've lost so many parts of my personality over the years, and many of them I don't miss. I'm not as shy as I used to be. I'm way more comfortable with sex and sexuality than I've ever been before. I am no longer afraid to be myself. However, I miss my old athleticism. I've found all the changes to my body and my weight gain really interesting over the past couple of years. My trainer was asking me if I was overweight as a child, which sparked my memories of being much smaller. My best friend in middle school would call me grasshopper, because I was long-legged and slender. Most of that was due to my insane workout regimen aka playing every sport under the sun. I will say this - my parents forced me to do a lot of shit I hated, but sports - that was one of the best things I was forced to do. I was on the swim team, played lacrosse, field hockey, and volleyball. I miss those days.

I get into random bouts of working out - a 30 day boot camp here or there - times when I'm really focused on putting my body through the ringer. Lately, I just haven't had the motivation. I've gone a good 18 months without really focusing on my body and I hate it. I have no desire to be thin (Team #thicksnack forever), but I am not loving all of the areas where my weight has settled. If I could get on that Nicki Minaj track, that would be awesome. I love food, so I'm never going to be one of those girls who is like OMG SALAD ALL DAY EVERYDAY. So, in exchange I need to tap into my youthful love of workouts and get my booty moving. The session was good today - I like her and I think we're going to really work on a holistic plan to improve my overall health. Yay!

Okay, this is already too long and I have cleaners coming in T minus 4 hours. Happy holidays!

work is a never-ending roller coaster.

I like my job right now. I really do. The reorg seems amazing - I'm getting to work on a new brand, while also keeping a lot of the events that I love. I like my teammates - there's one that I'm a little lukewarm on, but she's generally okay. Everyone is pretty zen for the most part, and we have a lot of fun together. I think 2015 is going to be crazy busy, but I'm ready for it. I had a really nice, slow year, and I think next year it's time to kick it into high gear. I want to get promoted, I want to work on a bunch of new events, and I want to find my niche on the team.

Of course, because I'm happy, I just found out that my references for the government job I'm pursuing are being contacted this week! Holy ish! I'm excited, because I want to see how far I can get in this process, but I'm also scared. I'm just starting to like things at work and feel like I have a place there, so of course shit is getting mixed up now and a new opportunity is presenting itself. I guess it's a good problem to have, but I'm very curious to see what happens next. This process is super freaking slow, so I don't think I'd have any real concrete sense of what's going to happen until June, but it's still exciting/terrifying!

jesus lord, i need to stop drinking.

These past four days have been out of fucking control. I am reminded that I am not 22 anymore and cannot be doing this shit on the regular. Thursday night was our holiday party - it was fun! Vest and I split a bottle of wine at my house, then met the work girls for drinks at Raven. Then we all hit up the party. It was a good time - drinking, dancing, an ice luge, acrobats, snapchatting - I didn't even drink that much, but I didn't have any food, so I was a hot mess. I came home, cooked a bunch of eggs and ate them in front of my Christmas tree and then passed out. My life is sad lulz.

Friday, I could not move. It was the worst hangover of my life. I was in so much pain and there was no way I was going to work. Headache, stomachache - hell, my motherfucking FACE hurt. It was tragic. I overslept and missed a meeting. I had a dream about missing the meeting. I could do no things that whole entire day. Aging is real, y'all. Then, Saturday was gay brunch. SO much fun as usual! We tried a new place, Monsieur Benjamin, and it was lovely yummy goodness. After brunch, I was going to go home and be good and take a nap, but that all got flushed down the drain when two of my friends texted and were like - COME PLAY BINGO! I figured I could still take a nap, but then their request was - come over to Life Coach's house now and let's drink and play Sorry. Because I can't say no, I ventured out to play with them. Wine and watching TV at LC's house turned into bingo, where we fucking dominated! I won round one and got a top shelf Long Island iced tea (mind you, this was after two pint glasses of whiskey gingers). There was a jello shot involved and a shot of fireball that I can barely recall. Then we won Round 3, which is the $50 bar tab round. I was lowkey wasted and it wasn't even 8pm. Eventually, I Ubered home where I proceeded to order a Postmates burrito delivery from the car. I came home and faceplanted in my bed, only to be awoken by my bell ringing and the burrito. Eating it was like seeing the face of God, no fucking lie. Then I passed out.

Today, I simply could not. I canceled on brunch and I canceled on a party in Oakland. Major flakage. I napped forever and could only really get out of bed to get my prescription so I can stop being delinquent with my pills. So yes, me and alcohol are going to have an arm's length relationship for a little bit. I think it's for the best if we see other people - at least until my Christmas party on Friday.

why am i awake?

It is 2:30am and I am wide awake, finishing up a list. Today was a lot of running around, but I feel SO ahead of the game. I got up before 8am, went to Target, bought all kinds of Christmas goodies, then headed out to get a mani/pedi for my holiday party this week, and topped it off with buying hair for my twists. Then, I came home and wrangled the shit out of this Christmas tree. I swear to God, I've been feeling so lonely lately, and putting up that tree was the icing on the cake. I couldn't figure out how to get the lights to turn on and all the plugs were all messed up and I was like - JESUS CHRIST I WISH I HAD A MAN/HETEROSEXUAL LIFE PARTNER/HOMOSEXUAL LIFE PARTNER/ROOMMATE TO HELP ME WITH THIS SHIT. In the end, though, I figured it out and now I have a lovely Christmas tree to sit by at night. Whew. Crisis averted.

I don't know what this weird melancholy is that has settled over me. Maybe I just need to be social and that will help. I also need to be awake in 4 hours to head down to Mountain View for work. Ick. I need to get some better sleeping habits in 2015. Maybe that's what I should ask for for Christmas.

overwhelmed.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by life today, so I'm doing what I need to do - going into this weird hermit mode. I feel like I have so many things to do and so little time to do them in. It's funny - I used to LOVE the holiday season as a kid. Christmas is one of my favorite holidays and the magic of the season is inspiring. However, now that I'm a full-fledged adult (well, sort of), it's just stressful. There's the holiday travel - booking a flight to New York is not cheap - plus it cuts into how much Christmas time I get in my permanent home. Then, I always throw a party, so I get to be all stressed out about how my apartment looks and who to invite and decorating and all that shit. Oh, and gifts - I am the world's worst gift-giver, so it takes me about 3x the normal amount of time to decide what to buy my family. This year, I have an event in February, so that means I can't really coast at work because I have to be planning, planning, planning. Then, there's the social aspect of it all - trying to see friends, going to holiday parties, work obligations. I just want to be ~still~ for a moment, but it seems as though that is impossible. So I can just sit here stressed out, making lists, watching TV, and running errands. I really need to start a meditation practice or do yoga or something. My whole life is seriously devoid of Zen. It's moments like this when I want to should out to the world - I KNOW I SEEM LIKE I LOVE PEOPLE AND GOING PLACES AND SHIT, BUT I AM A FREAKING INTROVERT, AND I NEED TO BE ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS.

That's all.

real life sucks.

Ugh, vacation is over. I'm excited to be back in the city and see friends, but I'm not excited about work. I am SO far behind on this February event - it's insane. I cannot fuck around anymore. I have ALL the meetings and need to get so much done for them. I'm also tired as hell, but luckily tomorrow is Friday and I just need to get through the day. Then I can come home and relax for the night.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm failing at work, even when I know I'm not. It's not even that others make me feel this way - it's just that based on my own standards, I fall short. I know I need to stop doing this to myself - it doesn't help anything and it stresses me out. Right now, I'm at peak anxiety. Also I think exhaustion and jetlag have something to do with it, but I need to power through. It will all be okay. The best thing about events - they have an end date.

i love scotland!

I've only been here for four days, and I'm in love. My last trip to Scotland was mostly all about the Highlands - I spent like 10 hours in Edinburgh. Most of my time was spent traipsing through the countryside of Scotland, looking at sheep and running up hills. This trip, I've only seen like 10 sheep and it was while I was on the train. Instead, I've been exploring the city life here, and I absolutely adore it. I'll update more later, but both Glasgow and Edinburgh are amazing -- I never want to leave.

It feels so nice to be away from the world. I was nervous coming here, but AM and I had the BEST time. I miss her so much. It's so crazy to think how we've become such good friends. I remember when I barely knew her and now we've grown so close. I really cherish her friendship - so unexpected, but so welcome. I've been alone for the past two days, exploring Glasgow. I'm proud of myself - I didn't pull any hermit shit. I've been out and about and walking like a crazy person. I've even taken the subway! Exploring everything I possibly can. Tomorrow, I head off to London because it's so much easier to grab a flight to SFO from there.

I'm not looking forward to reentering the real world. I have a Christmas party to plan. I am super far behind on this event I'm leading. I'm struggling with my role for next year on the team. Also, I had a recruiter reach out to me about another job at another company. Oh, and there's the whole Foreign Service thing. Top it all off with me having no idea what I want to do for New Year's - there's just too many people to see and too many options, so in my paralysis I'm doing nothing. Arg, real life - I'm stressed already and I still have about 36 hours of freedom.

Anyhow, I'm loving Europe - it is amazing. More to come. Miss everyone! Oh, and I love British television. I can't sleep at night because I'm too busy watching these zany sitcoms. #love

off to europe!

I would love to write about all the feelings I've been feeling about Ferguson and the clusterfuck that is being black in America (and the fact that I work with people who don't know what is happening in Ferguson ::dazed blank look::), but I don't have the emotional capacity to do that right now. Instead, let's talk about the fact that in 7 hours I'll be flying to Edinburgh to meet up with AM and spend an amazing weekend exploring the city! Then I head out to Glasgow on Monday for two days of solo exploration. Then Londontown! I cannot wait. I love the UK - it's so magical and wonderful, and with the start of the Christmas season, I'm sure it'll be even more precious.

I feel so fortunate that I've been able to go on some really cool trips over the past year. Traveling has been a constant source of pleasure for me, and I know I'm not going to have the same amount of time next year to do all of this stuff, so I have to get it in now. I am so looking forward to going to haunted castles, seeing the Underground of Scotland, and visiting every little pub I can possibly find.

in new york!

Let the Thanksgiving break begin! I got in to JFK at 6pm today and now I'm at home, staying in my brother's room, since my other brother's girlfriend is in my old room. This is the first time meeting my youngest brother's long-term girlfriend. My youngest brother is my favorite for sure, so this probably makes me biased, but I really like her! She's personable, sweet, and kind, but a little spunky. She's cute, but in that casual laid-back way. Not a lot of makeup or showiness - just adorable. I support it. It's kind of weird being back home where 2/3 of my brothers have significant others and I'm just alone, but my oldest brother is also #foreveralone so that takes some of the sting out of it.

I'm tired as hell, but looking forward to a whirlwind trip. I don't have much time here - that's the downside to getting in on a Sunday and still having work the next day. Tomorrow is reunion dinner and sleepover with my old NYC work girls. Tuesday, I'm hoping to see Jamabam; Wednesday is movie time; Thursday is Thanksgiving, and on Friday I leave for Scotland. As per usual, my life is banana cakes crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way! It's kind of crazy that I have 3 more trips to make before the end of the year!

i finally got my chart read!

Most of you know that I'm into a lot of New Age craziness - I love psychics, astrology, and anything esoteric. I've been that way since I was a little girl, and it just works for me. Some people have religion, some people have no religion, and I'm just sitting over here like a little hippie, believing in the mysteries of the universe. I've been dying to get a chart reading my whole life. I've dabbled in it a little bit, but I've never had the kind of reading I had yesterday. I told Vest that I thought it was better than anyone I've seen thus far. I think a lot of it had to do with having something physical and tangible to refer to - my birth chart.

Basically, the process went as follows - I submit my exact birth date, time, and location, and the astrologer creates a birth chart with a map of where all of the planets were in the sky at that time. Then, on top of that chart, he looks at where the planets are now and over the next year and what that means in relation to my unique birth chart. The reading is basically him going through your personality and identifying strengths and weaknesses and telling you how you can get to your true path. I LOVE LOVE LOVE personality tests - from Myers Briggs, Insights, Strengthsfinder, etc. - so I enjoy this activity immensely.

Most of what he said were things I already know about myself. I'm a Virgo, but my rising sign is Libra, and people often misconstrue and misunderstand me, which is 100% true. I don't know if anyone out there really "gets" me completely - it's the great tragedy of my life. We talked about career and love - the two things that are constantly eluding me. Or to quote @sororityproblem, "My favorite American Horror Story is my love life." My job is a close second. We spoke about my desire for entrepreneurship. He said that it is all there - that I have the capacity and the personality to do it, but I have to take some steps first. One, get my money right. I've never had a reason to really watch my funds (which, let me tell you is a tremendous piece of privilege that I struggle with daily). If I'm going to take the risk of doing my own thing, I have to start caring about the health of my finances. The next piece is deciding what I want to do. Based on my chart, the main thing I need to keep in mind is that I have to be doing something that puts ME first. Not doing something because the money is good (ie wedding planning), but doing something that puts my unique personality and interests at the forefront. It was interesting food for thought.

He highlighted my people-pleasing, and the fact that I am an extremely opinionated person who does everything she can to make other people comfortable and subvert those opinions. I have a really, really strong personality. In my core, I'm the kind of person that people either hate or love, but when I first meet people I hide that in the hopes of getting along with everyone. He says if I stop doing that, it might help attract the kind of love that I need. As far as love goes, I am picky and fickle and I need to be my real self, in order to attract a mate on the same level as I am. He said I'm not the type who wants an "easy" relationship - I need spark, fire, passion, and some degree of argument. I need a challenge. Good on paper ain't gonna work for me, which is a lesson I've learned well over the years. He told me that I'm very particular about my friends, which is the God's honest truth, and has become truer through the years. Most of my friends from SF can attest to this - I'm starting to burn bridges and silo people that don't fit into my life anymore. He also noted my tendency to put friends in boxes - this is friend I go to for love advice, this is the one I drink with, this is the one I talk to about my career - and he recommended mixing that up a bit. Living with the uncertainty of not knowing how my drinking friend will act if we start talking about jobs. That's a hard thing for me to do, but I'm trying.

Anyway, I'm babbling on and on, but the basic jist is that I really, really enjoyed getting the reading done, and it makes me even more interested in resuming my study of astrology. It was a big hobby of mine growing up. I even think it may have broken me of my psychic/tarot habit!

grown up life.

I struggle with the concept of adulthood. I spent most of my childhood longing to be an adult - chasing after this vision of grown-up perfection that seemed so elusive. I distinctly remember being 6 years old and fascinated with who I would be at 16 (in my mind, 16 was the best age and meant I would be a mature woman... ah, the folly of youth!). For some reason, I imagined myself with a long braid, wearing a lot of gingham and short shorts. Basically, my young mind was picturing my adult self as the black version of Daisy Duke. I would have a boyfriend and straight As and ALL the friends and it would be glorious. When I reached 16, I didn't hit all of those milestones - finding a boyfriend seems to be damn near impossible for me, my hair was short, and I got over my love of gingham - and I realized pretty quickly that my vision of adulthood was extremely naive.

I'm in another phase of longing for adulthood right now. From the outside looking in, everything is settled. I have a good job, I make good money, I live alone, I even go on the occasional date. Yet, I still feel so stuck. I want to feel a sense of permanence that I don't have. I've always been kind of commitment-phobic, but I thought that was mostly in my dating life. The more time passes, though, the more I see this in other aspects of my life. I just want to commit to something and stick to it - a house, a career, a man, a pet, a city. I just don't think I'm going to feel like an adult until I do those things.

2015 is a big year for me. It's time to finally going to get my shit together. If I don't commit to new levels of growth and change, I am never going to feel settled. Until I feel like I'm in a permanent space in my life, I don't think I'm going to be able to achieve the happiness I so desperately crave.

i'm actually doing it.

I am kind of hyperventilating a little bit as I type this, but I've started a serious house hunt in the Bay Area. I don't know what I'm getting into, and I'm scared as fuck, but home ownership is something that may be within my grasp in the next 6 months! I took a look at a property on Friday - it was gorgeous, but a little too suburban for me for right now. Today I'm going to an open house, and I've gone through about 600 listings to find something that can work for me. Shit is real.

I think I'm ready for some type of adulthood. I want to get my shit together before I turn 30. I like many aspects of my life, but there are things that need fixing and dreams that need achieving. I think I've gotten to a good place at work - the storm cloud has lifted and I've committed to moving forward with my career. I want to get promoted this year, and I think it's within reach. The one thing that's really been irking me is my home situation.

My apartment was a really great first apartment for SF. I lucked into this amazing situation where I live in a ginormous place by myself, in a neighborhood near a bunch of my friends. However, there's still something unsatisfying about it. I think it's mostly because it's "not mine." I can't really do anything to it - can't paint, can't get a washer/dryer, can't have a pet. Not to mention the downsides of the actual property - not in a neighborhood I love, my heat is always on (seriously, my apartment stays at 80 degrees most days), there isn't any laundry in the building, and no dishwasher. I want someplace I can put my mark on. 

So now I'm taking all these steps. I'm looking into my finances and working with a loan agent. I hate that I have to pay the "singles tax" - fucking people in relationships. Sometimes I wish I had a man for purely financial reasons. I have a real estate agent lined up (a friend of a friend). I'm going for it! This is insanity, but it's time for me to get my shit together. 2015 is going to be that year. #growingup 

in writing news...

I got chosen to be a curator for Travel Noire! They are a site all about showing the world that contrary to popular belief, black people do travel. They do lots of fun, interesting features and Hangouts with travel experts to help people travel cheaper, better, and more frequently. I'm getting ready to pitch 3 articles to them regarding my upcoming trip to the UK. Not sure if I mentioned it, but the day after Thanksgiving, I am heading out to meet up with AM (my coworker and lovely friend) in Edinburgh. I am SO excited because (1) I miss AM like whoa - she's been doing a rotation in London and I cannot wait for her to get back (2) Scotland is my favorite place on earth #MOARSHEEP, and (3) IT IS CHRISTMAS-TIME THERE AND I CANNOT WAIT.  www.edinburghschristmas.com is a real thing! It looks fabulous - I'm going to all of the events.

I'm still not 100% sure what I want to write about, but I cannot wait to do my first feature for them! Writing + Traveling = my favorite things!

how is it practically mid-november already?

This year is going by so damn quickly. It was definitely the fastest year on record, even though it sucked balls for me. All that angst about my job, my inability to really date... so happy to wash my hands of 2014. I'm trying to brainstorm my theme for 2015. Love? Rebirth? Resurrection? Fulfillment? Not really sure yet... but I still have a little less than two months to ponder this. I'm looking forward to the new year.

I'm throwing myself into new projects at work and it feels really good. I feel like I actually have the capacity to be creative and to think outside the box! I haven't felt that way in forever. It's a nice change of pace at the office. Rededicating myself to being an event manager and figuring out what's important to me and where I excel.

In my romantic life, I'm trying to grow the fuck up and stop dating children. It was a nice little detour (more on that in a later entry), but I'm ready to get off the carousel right now and get back to real life.

I'm thinking of moving. I'm just really over my apartment and my neighborhood. I'm also convinced I'm going to be killed, as two dudes were outside my window with a ladder last night, but I digress. There are so many things about the city I love, but I don't know if I can thrive here. (Shoutout to Vest - thrive like Maya!) So the East Bay may be calling me... seeing as how I cannot afford a new place in SF unless I move to Bayview, which I don't know if I'm willing to do. If I do move, though, buying is the only thing that makes sense. If I'm going to continue to rent, then I'm better off staying in my large, rent-controlled space.

Anyway, change is in the air. I love it.

work update!

I finally have work updates! Yay! I really need to get better about updating this little corner of the internet, but things have been busy lately, and my desire to write has been zapped. Luckily, I'm all settled in right now, getting ready to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta season premiere (OMG MY BODY IS READY FOR ALL THE DRAMA), so I can give a little update on my situation.

I got the pod I wanted! Hallelujah! I kind of knew I was going to get it before it happened, but I wasn't sure who else would be with me. Our pod is going to be a little smaller than the others - we only have 6 people, but everyone is a hard worker and low drama. THANK GOD. I cannot say that for some of the other pods, cuz those bitches be crazy. I have the same boss, which is perfect because she is fun and interesting and doesn't expect us to be chained to our desks 24/7. Also, homegirl can drink. I love a woman who can drink. One of my teammates I've been working with all year and I really like her - she's super creative, a little junior, but really eager and motivated. Two girls sit in the NYC office and then the other girl is someone I've worked with onsite and enjoy spending time with. I'm all set.

I got my performance review for the quarter and I'm exceeding expectations. Yay! My boss wants to start thinking about getting me to that next level over the next year. I'm leading my own event in February and I'm really hoping to have an bigger role on our executive event in early 2015. Things are looking up! I don't feel as stifled as I did before and I'm really ready to get dedicated to my job. There are so many amazing things about working in events, especially at my company, and I'm not ready to give it up just yet. The San Francisco office location, my amazing team, the amount of freedom and flexibility we have. Not to mention, working in events anywhere is pretty sweet. I think I was just in this terrible rut because I (a) didn't have enough work, (b) didn't have work that was challenging in a good way, and (c) this year we got fucked over by having our major project canceled. I'm all about going into 2015 with a positive attitude. Here's hoping I can keep it up!

we still don't know what we are doing at work.

Today, we were supposed to get the big email telling us our new pods at work, but of course because everything about my team is terrible, we didn't get it yet. I'm nervous. I just feel so unmotivated to plan events right now, especially large conferences. I only have one event that seems even remotely exciting to me, and I'm so jaded that I'm sure that will get fucked up soon, too. I've just hit my wall when it comes to this event shit. I don't want to do it anymore, but I don't know what else I do want to do. I thought I might want to do communications, but I think I'm over the corporate life and need to figure something else out. I'm ready to be done with the ridiculous rat race that is living in San Francisco and working in tech. It's a holy freaking nightmare, and I don't know how people do this day in and day out for years and years.

I'm trying to recalibrate my idea of success and determine how I can get there. I thought it was the money, the lifestyle, the travel, and all the trappings of that life, but this shit is not making me happy anymore. I want something simple, something that is my own, something I can grow for myself. I'm ready for a different pace of life. Now I just need the courage to make that leap.

revelations.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and a few things have come to mind.

1. I need to set a deadline for leaving my company. It doesn't have to be tomorrow, but I need to put a date on calendar and commit myself to leaving by then.
2. I want to move to SoCal at some point. Most likely San Diego, but perhaps LA.
3. I want my own business. I'm never going to be satisfied unless I'm doing something for me, something that I've created and am passionate about.
4. I can't even begin to focus on love or relationships until I've figured out what my hustle is going to be. In the meantime, I want to have a lot of fun sexual exploration. 
5. I need to sleep more.
6. I need to do another juice cleanse because I already feel like shit from all of my drinking and eating over the past 5 days.

That's all. #tired

sex is a good way to forget you're not eating.

I survived Day 3 of the cleanse, mostly with help from The Activist, who continues to make me super happy in bed. So yay! After a rough day of nothing but juice for the third day in a row, The Activist texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out. He was being a little different than normal - wanting to hang out earlier, flip flopping on where we should go - so I was terrified that I was going to get the "It's been nice, but I'm out" speech. I was wrong - it must've been hunger making me crazy. Thank GOD because I cannot lose this FWB situation. It's the best one yet. I like him a lot as a person, but we are strictly screwing. We only text when we want to hang out, but when we do hang out, we have real conversations and treat each other like human beings, and then have awesome sex. Everybody wins and it's all good. Last night's hookup with interesting, though...

First off, his landlords weren't home, which was awesome because we got to hang out in the den and chat. He was eating chili when I came over and I wanted nothing more than to yank the bowl out of his hands and go HAM on that chili, but I'm a lady, so I just explained that I wasn't eating. He seemed mystified by me doing a cleanse, but generally respectful of it. He ate quickly and put the food away. Then, there were the pets. I've slept over there a bunch, but I never really knew they lived with animals. There are two dogs - they are so cute and affectionate! - and then a black cat. Oh Lord, that cat...

So apparently the cat, named Lumpy, has now become obsessed with The Activist. It sleeps with him at night and generally loves him. Needless to say, phe (we don't know its gender - Vest calls it Homo Cat) was NOT happy that I was in the picture. We were making out and rolling around on his bed and then all of a sudden, I turn around and open my eyes and these two green eyes are staring at me. It's the damn cat! It was generally all up in our business the entire evening and he had to put it out of the room several times, but whenever one of us would go to the bathroom or leave the room, it would immediately run back in. One time, I was alone, laying in the bed and phe came in. It kept looking at me and sizing me up like "Who dis woman?" Then it leapt onto the bed and kept making these noises and looking at me like it wanted me to move. Then when he came back, it would lay in between us. Stupid jealous cat. I had to laugh at it though, because it was amusing.

Yes, that was my night - trying to get laid while also swatting away a cat every 20 minutes. I still had fun, though. He made me some tea so I could get some kind of nutrients in my body and we watched a documentary on the Newark race riots of 1967 and then we went to sleep. Not my typical date night, but fun nontheless.

juice cleanse, day 2.

I'm doing a juice cleanse right now (the goal is 3 days, I'm on Day #2), and to my shock and surprise, I actually like it! I never really feel hungry, except around like 5pm and then I'll usually take a little nap, awaken, and drink the next juice. I've just been feeling insanely sluggish and gross lately, and it's been nice to up my veggie intake and stop putting disgusting crap into my body. I also love doing things that show discipline. In many aspects of my life - eating, drinking and sex come to mind - I'm not all that disciplined. Sometimes, to combat that, I like to mix it up and try to challenge myself. I did a year of celibacy, I tried giving up alcohol for Lent, and now I'm trying this juice thing.

I enjoy playing with elements of control. Anyone who has seen one of my lists knows that I'm an insane OCD control freak. I panic when I don't feel like I'm on top of my shit. It's one of the big things I talked about with my old therapist. I am incredibly tightly wound, mostly because I know how I would behave if I wasn't. I need order and discipline so I don't fall into a downward spiral. Lately, I think I've gone down the rabbit hole of bad behavior with my personal health, and I'm trying to pull myself out. I've gained a lot of weight, mostly because I've picked up some godawful eating habits. I also know that I drink too much. So, I'm trying to fix this, and the juice cleanse is a refresh on how I'm eating and my feelings about food and my body. I have more insight into this, but I'm definitely not at 100% mental capacity while I'm not eating solid food, so I'll pop in later with more thoughts.

shut in weekend complete!

I needed this weekend for my sanity and mental health. I'm having the period from hell and I just could not bring myself to do anything even remotely active or involving other people. The Activist texted me and asked me if I wanted to come over last night, but I had to decline. I'm hoping I get to see him this week, though. I totally miss our hookups - he is the best. So instead, I spent time drinking wine, watching TV, and reading ALL of the books/magazines. Blissful.

Starting tomorrow, I'm doing a juice cleanse because I just can't ingest anything else into my body. I will probably regret this, but I feel so icky lately and I just want to hit the reset button. I even considered just fasting, but I need some kind of sustenance if I'm going to make it through this week at work. On the bright side, starting Friday, two of my favorites will be in SF for a wedding weekend! I cannot wait! It's my last wedding of the year and it's local. HOLLA!

In work news, I'm applying to another thing I probably won't get, but really want - a rotation program for Q1 (Jan-Mar) of next year. There's the PERFECT job in NYC that would be excellent for me. I want it so freaking badly. Then, there's a job that seems less perfect, but could work and is in Dublin, so I could live my dream of working abroad for a bit. I need to polish my resume and get those applications locked and loaded by Friday. Wish me luck - if this is anything like my job search process, I'm going to need it!

FINALLY. WEEKEND!

I feel like I haven't been in my apartment for a weekend in forever. Last weekend was all about volunteering, and the weeks before that were visitors, weddings, and birthday parties. This weekend, I only have one obligation - a dinner on Saturday night. Thank goodness! I'm hoping to get some cleaning done, do some work, and clear out my DVR. My body, soul, and spirit are just so tired. I need to relax, especially since I have a whole bunch of social obligations starting next week. Am I ready to be #butterfly again? I don't know.

Tonight, though - I'm all about being a shut in. One of the best things about being in your late 20s is losing that need to go out every weekend. I am perfectly content sitting at home, eating fried chicken, drinking a glass of red wine and watching ALL the DVR. Truly perfection. I'm so tired I can't even see straight, so I suppose there's no point in continuing to write anything. I need to get my butt in bed. Here's to a productive, yet chill Saturday and Sunday!

up late.

I'm up late watching American Horror Story: Freak Show and generally scaring myself. I took this epic 4 hour nap at 7pm, so that's going to screw me up for a bit. Not much has changed, but I feel like blogging. Work still sucks epically. Still hoping to sleep with The Activist this weekend - well, I guess just hooking up because #periodlife. I'm really praying that tomorrow is less of a shitshow at work than it's been the past couple of days. I need a break. I'm so happy I have little to no plans this weekend. I think it'll give me a chance to relax.

I'm applying for a rotation for next quarter at work - new job, new location. I really hope I get it, because I don't know how I'm going to survive if I don't get out of this job.

Pray for me.

i had the worst dream last night.

Work is really fucking with my ability to live a normal life. This morning, I woke up hysterically crying from a dream. This has only ever happened a couple of times, and they were all dreams where my father died, so this was really disturbing.

In the dream, my whole team was in a classroom and we had to present on our current projects. Most of the group went, and then it was my turn. I stood up and started to talk about the cancellation of this event, all of the work I was doing for it, and how it's been a learning experience. As I was talking, one of our team leaders interrupted me and told me that I was doing the assignment wrong and that everything had to be framed in a certain way. Then she pointed to a chalkboard and there were words on it that hadn't been there in the first place. That's when it happened. I flipped the fuck out - rubber band SNAP. I started yelling about how the company is bullshit and my team is bullshit and no one cares about anyone else and we just have to jump through these terrible hoops for nothing. Executives are bullshit and they don't care about us. I went OFF. I was shaking and screaming and raising hell. Then I sat down and everyone was like O_O, all staring at me. After that I ran out of the room and collapsed in the door jamb crying. I just kept on saying "I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. I have an Ivy League degree and I'm smart and I work hard, but this is just too much for me. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore."

So basically... I can't do this anymore. My subconscious is SCREAMING at me and I need to listen. Change is in the wind.

sex education

I spent 18 hours this weekend in sex education training, volunteering to help the trainers with the first week of classes. It was intense as fuck! I am so exhausted - I have no idea how long I'll last tonight. I just want to sleep and never wake up - "That's called death..." my friends remind me. To top it off, I went out last night to Butter, my favorite place, and had lots of jello shots and a Long Island Iced Tea with my lovely coworkers, former team lead, and her sisters. It was worth going out for a bit, but I'm ready to collapse.

One thing I was reminded of this weekend was my former passion for sex ed. I miss it. I miss it a lot, and there's such a void to be filled at the organization I volunteer with. I'm searching for something meaningful and exciting to do with my life, and I just wish I could find a way to make sex ed part of it. I'm even more motivated after this weekend to find a way to make this a part of my life, but my way and on my terms.

The sex ed community in San Francisco is hella white, hella poly/bi/kinky, and if you don't fit into those labels, you can feel ostracized. My goal is to find (or create) a community for people who don't necessarily fit inside those lines. I still would like to be a part of the organization, and to do work for them, but I acknowledge that I'm not going to get all of my needs met there. So I have to find my own niche. You know, that 'be the change you want to see in the world' shit.

Maybe it'll give me a reason to live. Lately, it's been one shitty thing after another. I could use something positive.

well, that was an interesting experience.

I had a sexual experience the other day that is blowing my mind! Yes, this is going to be a sex post. The mind-blowing piece isn't about the actual sex, but more how it's reframing how I think about sex in general. So you know I've been seeing The Activist pretty regularly and it's awesome and amazing and things are just the right level of friends-with-benefits. On Monday, though, I went out with San Jose, this dude I had a first date with like a month ago but then we both got busy and were traveling and it was hard to meet up.

First off - I went to San Jose for a date. I mean, I was down in Mountain View for work already, so it was less annoying at first, but still. It took me almost two hours to get home. I need to stick to San Francisco boys. Maybe Oakland/Berkeley. Maybe some people think love knows no bounds, but I'm pretty sure my capacity for love taps out around Daly City. Anyway, he picked me up from the shuttle stop and took me to this little cute wine bar. We had a couple of glasses of wine, and then he asked me if I wanted to watch some cartoon he thought I would like. I said yes, because I was intrigued by him (I could give two shits about a cartoon). We got to his place, he put on the cartoon, and then he started giving me a foot rub. Normally that skeeves me out, because I fucking hate feet, but I went with it. That turned into a back rub, which is literally the key to my soul vagina. Seriously. If you rub my back, I'll do anything you want me to. Maybe twice. Then, we're making out a little bit and he pulls me toward the bed and he's like, "I want to tie you up."

GIRL, I FROZE. I mean, I've been tied up before, so it wasn't that. I was just so taken aback by it. I mean, he went from 0 to 100 in like no time flat. We had talked about BDSM during our first date, but this was really abrupt. But, because I'm always game for a story (note: this will be why I die someday), I was like, "Okay." So what followed was maybe like an hour or 90 minutes of being tied up, blindfolded, and gagged. We had absolutely no penetration - no vaginal sex, no anal sex, no oral sex. Nothing. Yet... I probably climaxed more than I have with 85% of my partners. So yeah, I'm like - did we have sex? I mean, we didn't have sex... but it was kind of like sex. I DON'T KNOW. I'm so confused. I don't know if I want it to happen again. I mean, I probably want it to happen again. He was very talented, and yet - I missed the actual intimacy of sex. I love my BDSM shit - it's fun and kinky and exciting. But, there's something about the intimacy of penetration that I like a lot.

I will continue to explore this and write back.

holy shit.

My life is currently in a state of WTF. I can't even really describe it, especially not at 2:30AM. Of course, I took one of my epic naps and am now up trying to finish my to do list. I'm also watching American Horror Story: Freak Show because apparently, I don't want to sleep a wink tonight.

My job has truly gone off the rails. That huge event that was going to happen - it's canceled, and now I'm spending all of my time at work cleaning up the mess. In the words of my coworker JS, "I can't believe this is my job right now." You all thought I hated my job back in May? Well, now I loathe and despise it. I'm having my come to Jesus moment and I don't know what's going to happen, but something has got to give. Everything is monumentally fucked and I need to draw on all of my resources, strength, and hustle to figure out my life. There really aren't words to describe how you feel when one year of your career just blows up in smoke, right in front of your face. It's maddening, frustrating, and makes you want to scream. I am not myself anymore - I'm angry and I don't have any fucks left to give.

I think all of this is showing me that corporate America is not where I'm meant to be, and I need to figure something else out. I'm taking the Foreign Services Officer Test on Friday, I'm exploring the "going back to school" option, and I'm thinking of how I can turn my likes and hobbies into something that will give me a living wage. I need some kind of new life, and I don't know what makes the most sense, but the tide is turning and shit is going down.

Stay tuned.

crunch.

Back from Hawaii and shit is about to get real. We are 6 weeks out from the biggest event we've ever done as a company and we are so freaking behind. I need to step up my game over the next 6 weeks and get through this shit. I absolutely cannot wait to be finished, but I'm really proud of what I've done in regards to this event. Even through the shittiness of hating my job, I think I was able to deliver big time on the chunk of the event that I owned.

It's time to get serious about a lot of other shit, too. I'm currently dating two men and I feel really good about that. Sex with The Activist is amazing and lovely and he's busy enough that I don't feel smothered, but available enough that I'm getting laid on the regs. He invited me to go to a concert with him and his friends tomorrow (cue shocked face!)... but I'm out of town for a friend's birthday, so I had to decline. Then there's San Jose, who I'm going out with on Monday for our second date. I feel like he has a lot of promise and I'm looking forward to seeing if we have chemistry on this date.

I need to get my fat ass back in the gym. This is a MUST for the next three months. Even if I don't lose a damn pound, I want to get back in shape. I miss being athletic and I miss enjoying my body and loving it. I'm like 65% okay with it and that needs to change.

I'm ready to spend more time in SF - there has been too much travel lately and I miss my adopted city. I love it here. I want to enjoy it more and spend time doing fun shit. I also miss and love my friends, who have made the past four years here an absolute dream. I need to invest more in those relationships, too.

THERE'S JUST SO MUCH TO DO. WHY IS LIFE SO COMPLICATED?

Anyways, I need to pack for Tahoe and finish up some work, but these are the thoughts swirling in my head right now.

vacation is over...

... in more ways than one. Tomorrow I head back to reality - back to SF, back to work, back to my life. I'm feeling strange and kind of melancholy tonight, which I guess is typical after 5 days of intense partying and fun. My introvert side is definitely acting up, because as much fun as this Hawaiian wedding week was, I am also ridiculously tired and ready to be back in my own space.

There are so many thoughts going through my head right now that I can't even pin them all down. The week was GREAT! We got to Maui on Thursday and hit the ground running, meeting up with friends and colleagues and just having a grand old time. I love Life Coach and her *husband* (so crazy to say that) because they have such great family and friends. Everyone is SO welcoming and you just feel the love and warmth of everyone around them. Every night there was a different event and it was so great to come together and meet everyone. Drinks at a swanky hotel bar on Thursday night, a pre-wedding BBQ on Friday, the actual wedding on Saturday, brunch on Sunday, and tonight a potluck BBQ. The food tonight was amazing - having two chefs as friends is definitely where it's at!

The wedding was perfection. It was on Sugarman Estates, which is this beautiful, ocean-front private venue. Hearing the waves and the water rushing by was magical and I had so much fun dancing up a storm, even in the crazy Maui heat. Last night, we were celebrating AM's birthday and we went karaoking. Let me just say that I have NEVER gone up on stage alone at karaoke until last night. I don't know if it was the alcohol, the fact that I love showing off in front of boys, or the aloha spirit infecting me, but I did two songs and killed them both. I even had a guy at the bar ask me to sing with him - he said I seemed like a performer! I had to inform him that I only rap, so I had to decline, but it was nice to be asked. God I miss theater and acting and performing sometimes. I know I don't have the time to do any of that, but being on stage reminded me of a life that could have been... c'est la vie =)

I think this trip was a big turning point for me for a lot of reasons. I am really ready to go back to SF and focus on me and all those things I've let get away from me. Dating and finding a true partner. Losing weight. Writing more. Giving my all to my job. Coming up with a plan for a real career. All of these things have been weighing on me and being here on vacation has stirred up some desires I forgot I had, opened doors to new ideas, and closed doors that really should have shut a long time ago. There are only a few more months left of 2014's Year of Fun and I want to make them count!

i've been waiting for this trip for like a year.

OMG, Hawaii tomorrow for Life Coach's wedding! Almost everyone is there already, which makes me insanely jealous. But this time tomorrow, I will be drunk on a fucking beach probably yelling and being inappropriate. Wish me luck in getting laid! Although, now that I'm having regular sex, I'm a lot less stressed out. Seriously... I should have been all about this regular sex thing years ago.

Speaking of that, I spent last night with The Activist. I love sleeping with him. It's so goddamn fun and he's so sweet and just perfect in bed. These hippie dudes are kind of great - they don't care about you being waxed within an inch of your life, they want to make you orgasm (always repeatedly), and they are so complimentary. I've totally gained weight over the past 6 months, but he makes me feel like the sexiest human being on the planet when we're together. I like it. I'm hoping it gives me the sexual confidence to do something I've been dying to do for the past two and a half years.

Life is pretty fucking sweet right now. I probably won't be posting too much over the next few days, so I'll catch you next week!

back to the start.

As I approach 29, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my job, my life, and what I want the next 10 years to look like. There's really only one thing I know for sure - I don't want to work for "the man" for the rest of my life. I need to find a way to make money for myself, for a business with my name on the door. Now, if only I knew what I wanted that particular business to be.

I've been poring over some old personality tests and thinking about what made me happy as a child, and it always comes back to the same two things - reading and writing. Those were the things I loved to do the most when I was growing up. I was super bookish and nerdy and refused to go anywhere without a book or two. I'm pretty sure my extended family thought I was nuts because I would never dance or play or talk to anyone at family gatherings. I just sat in the corner reading. I loved to write, too - there's something about language that is so fascinating to me. When I'm bored, I like to look at random signs around me and jumble up the words to spell out different things (yes, I'm fucking weird... I'm aware). I don't write nearly as much as I used to and not even at the level that I used to. I've somehow let that piece of me die, which is sad as I'm pretty sure that's where most of my creativity and joy lie. I want to commit to more reading and more writing. That's why I've been trying so hard to get myself a job on the communications team, because even if I'm writing corporate fluff pieces or answering Q&As from employees, at least I would doing some kind of writing and maybe that would fulfill me in some small way.

I've grown a little too complacent and way too comfortable in my current job. I love the salary, the perks, and the people I work with, but I'm slowly starting to see that it's not enough. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I know that I don't have it yet and I have to push forward for some kind of meaningful change. I've been putting a bunch of irons in the fire - signing up to take the Foreign Service Officers exam, looking into going to grad school, trying to improve my event manager job, and looking into other opportunities at my company. I'm just hoping if I throw enough shit at the wall, something will stick. Maybe the answer is that I stick with what I'm doing and where I'm doing it and I use that money and those perks to do something outside of work that makes me happy. I have no idea where this road is going to take me, but I know that something has got to give and change needs to be made. I can only hope I'm up to the challenge.

i like boys.

I get irrationally excited when The Activist texts me and wants to hang out. It's nice to be excited about someone, but in a measured sort of way. It's different from the way I've been with other guys and I feel like the nature of our relationship is different. Maybe I'm finally getting the friends with benefits situation I've always wanted. We like and respect each other, but we're also insanely attracted to each other - the chemistry is perfect. Yet, I don't want it to be some girlfriend/boyfriend thing and I don't think he does either. It feels oddly healthy and perfect for where I am right now. Now if only my damn period would cooperate and go away so we can have fun!

birthday weekend.

Ever since I turned 21, the weekend before (or immediately after) my birthday has been all about partying. I like to have people over to my apartment - or that one year where I had a party at a club in NYC - for music, alcohol, and general merriment. This year, I'm just not feeling it. I really want to spend this weekend relaxing, chilling out at home, and not micromanaging a party. Tomorrow, I plan on coming home and sleeping like a baby. Sounds like a hot Friday night to me! Saturday, I'm going to the As game for a JS' birthday and that night I may try to hang out with The Activist, but my period/extreme laziness may get in the way of that. On Sunday, Jammerz is visiting, so we will do brunch and then a dinner out! Sounds like a nice, relaxing weekend to me.

29 here I come!

trying to be more spontaneous.

Last night, I made spontaneous plans to see The Activist like 45 minutes before we hung out. I'm so proud of myself! Normally, I'm too much of a stick in the mud Virgo to do such things. We met up for pizza and beer (for him) and wine (for me) in our neighborhood. I know we're kind of doing the "casual" thing, but I like that he actually wants to speak to me before we hook up. We chatted about random subjects, our lives, and religion. I like that we talk about things you're not supposed to talk about when you first meet someone. Afterwards, we walked back to his place.

I know we're not compatible for a variety of reasons, but having sex with him is amazing. Like really fucking amazing. I spent the night there and then walked home this morning through the park. It was lovely. Yay!

attitude adjustment.

I've been in a bad mood for a really long time. Part of it is work - actually, most of it is work. Part of it is life, though. Life Coach says I'm running from something and that's why I've been taking so many vacations. She's probably right. She's usually right. I think that with all of my job unhappiness, I'm just tired of my life and I find any excuse I can to just check out. Hence the ridiculous amount of traveling that happened in 2014. Now, it's time for me to find happiness in the spot I'm currently in, instead of dreaming of something else. At least for a little bit.

We changed desks at work this week. Now, we're upstairs on a higher floor and my desk faces a window. Everything is new and I'm not going to lie, the difference environment just feels so much better. I think getting direct sunlight every day is making me feel better about my life. Baby steps. I'm trying to get more involved in life in SF - looking for cool events to attend, being more open and saying yes when people ask me to do things. I'm hoping that it improves my mood.

I'm also just trying to enjoy my job - the perks and the negatives. I'm embracing it all and trying to come up with a plan for how I can be a better event manager. I want to develop more of my creative skills, work on different kinds of events, and really stretch myself as far as my career. I think this year I allowed myself to get stagnant - hell, I needed to be stagnant - after the craziness of last year and the blood clot of this year. Now, I'm ready to get back into being healthier - mentally, physically, and emotionally. The rest of September is going to be a whirlwind of activity, but I'm ready to get my shit together. Game on.

trying to establish some sense of normalcy.

I am exhausted tired and there is so much about my life that is in shambles right now, but I'm holding out hope that Q4 is when I can get my shit together. There are so many things on my list that I want to tackle, but this month is going to be a bit insane. I have Hawaiian wedding, which I am SO excited about! I have my birthday, which I'm less excited about. I also have a whole bunch of career conversations to have in the upcoming weeks. There really is so much to do. When I'm done, though, I need to tackle the following:

• Cleaning my apartment. My bedroom and my closet are a shitshow. I need to fucking handle that. I'm a grown ass woman and I'm not trying to be on an episode of Hoarders, but I'm getting close.
• Getting fit. I miss working out. My body misses it. I need to get back to it before I gain even more weight than I already have.
• Getting on a normal sleep schedule. I think if I got more rest life would just be better in general.
• Dating for serious. I've been kind of just dicking around lately and I've decided that I want to get serious about dating and meeting someone who could be a life partner. I'm hoping that somehow putting this intent out into the universe will yield something positive. But then I'm also a cynical bitch who is like... well, maybe there really is no one for me. Womp womp. We'll see if the intent thing works.

Those are some things on my mind. Now back to me trying to get a shit ton of things done before 3am.

another epic weekend of vacation.

Super excited about tomorrow! I head out to San Diego with Vest for a couple of days of sunny, warm Southern California sunshine. All paid for because my job has some sick perks (that's a + in the staying in events column). I have to be awake in 5 hours, which is terrifying, but oh well! I'm going to spend all day tomorrow doing nothing but eating, drinking, and lying by a pool. I can sleep between cocktails.

Then I have the weekend to play bingo and dance with my lovelies when we get back on Saturday. Sunday, 7 hours of hair twisting await me. I'm excited to have long hair again. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it gives me way more self-esteem when my hair is long. Can't wait to take my fab hair to Hawaii for Life Coach's wedding. The month of September is just crazy busy! Also, it's my birthday in less than two weeks! Holla!

dating updates!

Well, my dating life is certainly picking up, I'm happy to say. It's been a fairly slow, odd year for dating. I slept with a boy on the Train Cruise (lulz) and then I had a threesome with a guy and a girl from OKCupid. Definitely not the normal par for the course. Lately, I've been keeping it a bit tamer. I've had two awesome dates and I'm happy that all seems to be going well.

I'm still seeing The Activist. We had our third date on Sunday and it was pretty awesome. I was extremely tired from Bachelorette Weekend and he was just getting off of work, but we decided to go grab drinks at a bar near our apartments. We talked about domestic violence and our families (no relation... two completely separate topics) and then he asked if I was weird about PDA because he couldn't remember. I told him I was a little shy, so I wouldn't initiate it, but okay. Which is a lie - PDA makes me so uncomfortable unless I'm blind drunk. He was basically like, "I'm sitting here next to you and I really just want to kiss you." I was expecting like one kiss, but he wanted to make out, which I was not okay with, so I made him stop and we kept talking. Finally, he was like "I can't sit here without touching you, so we have to leave and go back to my place." I asked him if he wanted to finish his drink and he said, "I don't even care about that anymore" hahaha. So we went back to his place and totally got it on. The sex was AMAZING. Earth-shatteringly amazing. He's so not selfish at all and just really affectionate and physical and I adored every moment of it. I had planned to go home but was having so much fun that I just decided to spend the night, which he was more than happy to have me do.

We did have a discussion and he's not looking for anything serious, and I am not looking for anything serious with him, so we're going to keep seeing each other but keep it casual. Which allows me to date other people, so I went on a date last night. I liked him. He's my usual - well, an engineer. He's Italian, though, so not my standard Jewish engineer. He talks more than I do. It's insane. I love it. I never meet anyone who talks more than I do. He asks questions, though, and loves traveling and food and is super smart. I like it.

We'll see how this all progresses!

job searching freaking sucks.

There is nothing like a failed job search to make you feel absolutely shitty about yourself. I've been getting rejected left and right and nothing is working out. I'm one of those people that believes that things work out for a reason, so maybe I just haven't found the right position yet. I'm trying to decide if I should be putting effort into making my current job better or if I should just keep looking for a new role. I honestly don't know what the best course of action is.

My job has it's perks and there are things about it that are absolutely amazing. I don't have to commute down to Mountain View (check plus!). I get to go to cool events and have access to a lot of connections - for example, the amazing getaway I have planned for next week in San Diego, free of charge. My manager is super lenient about working from home and taking vacation. All of this is pretty freaking sweet - I acknowledge that. I just don't feel fulfilled with what I'm doing on a day to day basis. I'm trying to figure out if it's just a bad year for me and the team or if there's something bigger at play. I mean, I had a fucking blood clot in January. I went for about 7 months without having a manager or any kind of direction, and I'm currently on a team of 7 other people and 6 of them are brand new to the company (including my new manager). It's been a rough year. I think I need to find a way to fall in love with my job again.

Contrary to popular believe amongst my friends, I really like to work. I like feeling useful and getting shit done and staying up til 2am answering emails or planning amazing experiences for our attendees. I love 20 hour days when you're up before the sun and then up late to shut down an event. Event planning is stressful and most of us in the industry thrive on that stress. I don't even like talking to my friends about work because it's hard to explain what we do and I feel like there's no respect for it at all. It's really hurtful when people you care about act like you don't do anything ever and belittle your job. But, that's another entry for another time. Point is - I used to LOVE this job and I enjoyed giving my all to it. Last year, I worked my ass off, producing a ton of events for one of the most visible brands in the world. I love the company I work for and whenever I'm physically at an event, I remember what is so amazing about them. Maybe that's it - maybe I just haven't done enough events this year? Admittedly, it's been a slow year as we've been ramping up all these new people - last year, I did 9 major events before September (including a conference for 12,000 people). This year, it's September and I've done ONE event. One. It's disgusting, quite frankly. Maybe I just need to throw myself into work again and get re-motivated. I also think the fact that two of my work besties are no longer on the team has certainly made it less appealing. I got really used to working with certain people, and I had this rhythm and now there are new people and that rhythm is gone.

I've always been one of those Jill of All Trades types. I like change and movement and gaining new skills. So moving to another department and having a different life appeals to my sense of change. This is the longest I've been on a single team, as well as the longest amount of time I've lived in one place continuously. Maybe I'm just bored. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know that I cannot live apathetically. I have to be immersed in whatever it is I'm doing to feel fulfilled. So maybe it's time to fucking dive in and if that doesn't work, at least I know I tried.

date #2

With my Hawaiian vacation and all of the random things that are floating in my brain, I realized that I never updated on status with The Activist. We had to move our date to tomorrow, but I'm happy because that gave me today to be crazy productive before LE's Bachelorette on Friday.  I think we're just going to hang out in his neighborhood - I've charged him with the planning of the date and me with the paying for it. Hopefully we'll go back to his place... To be honest, I really just want to get high (he has a medical marijuana card), talk about the universe, and have sex. Sounds like the perfect pre-vacay date. God, I really did go to Brown, didn't I?

Anyway, for date #2 we met at 10pm (this is what I get for dating 25 year olds) at the bar where The Cajun dumped me. I'm over Cajun, so I wanted to reclaim my love for that particular spot. He got there first, ordered me a drink and set up a tab, which was major brownie points. Boys who pay for dates = amazing. We found a quiet corner upstairs and just talked. I really like chatting with him. He's such a good listener and he remembers things and we talk about real shit. I like that it's not sugarcoated or the usual bullshit, but we talk about our beliefs and our dreams and what's wrong with the world. It was hard to be affectionate based on the seating arrangement, but when I get to talking, I don't even think about sex anymore.

After like 4 drinks, I had to call it a night. He offered to walk me home, so I let him. We got to my apartment and he asked me if he could kiss me again. I find it so cute that he asks me that every time. I told him yes and we started making out outside of my apartment. I hate PDA so I invited him upstairs. I didn't want to be awkward, so I just left the lights off when we sat in my den and we started hooking up. My period (and the fact that I'm a motherfucking lady this month) meant no sex. He was cool with it, though, and didn't mind doing other things. Love that hippie dudes are not afraid of blood in the slightest lol. So no sex, but lots of touching, making out, etc. I kicked him out around 1am. He left his watch at my place, so I figured that was a good sign that he wants to come back.

All in all, I like him and we have fun together. I don't know if it's major love potential, but he's so interesting and intriguing and I never say that about men. He's not my usual type in any way - Vest made a snarky comment about him being smaller than most of the guys I date - but I think that's a good thing. So on with more dates!

hawaii weekend.

Seriously, though. This vacation was exactly what I needed to clear my head and just calm the fuck down. The level of anxiety in my life lately has been too much to bear, so getting out of dodge was a nice break. I turned off my gChat for most of the weekend and ignored texts and emails. It was blissful. I started every morning off with a spiked iced espresso and then the mandatory 5 hours of sitting by the pool, drinking frozen coconut mojitos, tanning, and hopping into the pool when the heat got unbearable. Did some time at the beach. Had fancy dinners at Morimoto and Morton's Steakhouse. I'm so not ready to go back to reality tomorrow.

There are a few things I'm looking forward to, though. I have a tentative date with The Activist on Wednesday. I really hope it happens because I really want to sleep with him. It's Date #3 and I don't have my period #winning. Then there's LE's bachelorette in Palm Springs on Friday. I love that girl so much, and I'm so excited to spend time with all our work girlies and her friends and fam. Also the house we're staying at looks SO BALLER. I'm also supposed to talk to the director of internal communications about a job. I'm nervous about that, but hoping to really settle all these job anxieties one way or another.

So yeah... that's my life right now. Enjoying the lats 12 hours of freedom in Hawaii!

ugh i need a therapist.

I stopped going to therapy sometime last year - I think maybe around the holidays. My insurance was changing and I wasn't super excited about my therapist and so I just dropped it. I thought it was fine at the time. Then there was blood clot and when I didn't descend into the usual depression that had consumed me when it happened in 2008, I figured I was okay not seeing anyone. Now, I'm starting to think that I seriously overestimated my mental health.

I just feel like shit most of the time. I had a really good date last night and even that isn't making me feel bad. There's a piece of me that feels like I'm descending into that teenage angst that defined my middle and high school experience. Every day is a struggle, I'm constantly tired, and I just feel so blah. More than blah, I feel unsettled and it's really difficult to explain. I don't know what I want to do with my life and it's scary. Sometimes I feel so dead inside. I know I'm not at that "I want to cut myself with a razor" stage and I don't think I'll ever go back to that, but I feel the same deadness that inspired those actions. One day, I would love to write about those experiences, but today is not that day.

Anyway, yeah. Therapy. I need to focus on that. For my own sanity lol.

i'm bored.

So I booked a trip to Hawaii for Friday. I've become increasingly impulsive in my unhappiness with work and life in general, so I want to get away. I've kind of been in this weirdly depressed state lately where all I think about it how much I want things to change. To be honest, I haven't felt this crappy since Blood Clot #1. I just need to DO something so I don't go stir crazy. I couldn't handle the thought of hanging alone in my apartment all Labor Day weekend and hotel rooms in the Bay Area were banana cakes expensive, so Honolulu, here I come! I'm staying here, and I'm so fucking giddy about it! It looks SO beautiful. I plan to spend all my time on the beach, and I also made a reservation for Morimoto on Friday night so I can be extra fancy. What is my life? Oh yeah - I'm young, single, child-free, impulsive and I have nothing else to spend my money on. God Bless America. #nevergrowingup #firstworldproblems

i've recommitted myself to dating.

For a while, I've been kind of put off by the whole dating thing. I've been more focused on sleeping around and just chatting with guys who clearly only want one thing from me. Most of it was my displeasure at work and not really feeling like I could be *all in* when it came to meeting people. I like sex, though, so I didn't want to give that up, and I enjoy sexting with various people. It's a nice little distraction. However, lately, I'm all "you're worth more than that" and now I'm trying to switch it up and date seriously. I went out on Friday night with this kid that I actually liked. Which means it will probably not happen, but I like to think we had a nice time.

JazzGirl and I decided we will call him The Activist. He's hella Portland - like the crunchy granola type. His new OKC photo is him onsite yelling at a rally - haha. I kind of like it though. He's a mental health/addiction counselor and he's liberal as hell, which I like. We spent the date talking about Ferguson, the militarization of the police, activism and sex education while we both drank whiskey. Swoon. He told me his organization is having a hard time finding people willing to risk arrest, which made me laugh. He definitely keeps himself really busy and he has a weird work schedule. Thursday - Monday, 12-8pm, which means he's not always available on weekends. I like dating men with different work schedules because it means I get to have my own life with my friends on the weekends.

Things were going smoothly at the bar, and he was massaging my shoulders, so I knew he wasn't just into my mind. He also was definitely staring at my chest at various points in the date, but I had worn this ridiculous tank top. The last time I wore this particular top, one of my straight guy friends had a LOT of comments about it, so I wasn't that surprised he would be looking. I was so damn tired, though, so I cut our date short and told him I had to go home. He was cool with it and we walked back to our apartments - we lived in the same direction from the bar. When we got to his place, he gave me a hug and then he asked me if he could kiss me. I giggled and said yes and we made out a little bit outside, until I was like - OMG I HATE PDA. ICK. I made him stop and walked home.

The next morning, I got the sweetest text from him - "needless to say, last night was awesome. can we do something like that again soon?" So I'm hoping we can go out this week before I head to Hawaii for Labor Day weekend.

Yay! Good dates!

all black everything.

Lately, all I can think about is blackness, for a variety of reasons. I'm way too tired to be writing this post, but I might as well empty my brain out a bit. I haven't been journaling a lot lately, so this is a way for me to capture my thoughts. I feel like the past two weeks have been full of things that have me thinking about race and society and sexuality and it's painful and riveting at the same time. Some things:

1. Ferguson - I don't even have words to express the fear, anger, and exasperation that one feels as a black person in this country. Shit like this makes me want to move somewhere far away where the specter of slavery and lynchings and police brutality don't exist. You just carry around this anger with you that you don't even realize is there until something like the shooting of Mike Brown happens and there it is again. Burning a hole in your soul that will never be filled. Making you question if you even want to bring new life into this world because what's the point? 
2. Twitter - Black Twitter has given me so much sustenance over the past year. The brilliance of some of these folks like @feministajones, @thetrudz, and @karnythia makes me so proud to be a black woman and also so motivated to be better - to think critically, to take action, to organize. It's a beautiful thing.
3. Nicki Minaj - The release of the Anaconda video has me so sprung for this woman. There have been a ton of critiques and analysis about the video, and I'm not nearly coherent enough right now to do any of that, but I fucking love it. She is beautiful and she does whatever the fuck she wants and it's not for the male gaze and it's not about being exploited. It's a bad ass bitch being a motherfucking bad ass bitch and looking hot while she's doing it. I get so tired of respectability politics and the notion that a woman isn't smart because she is sexual. Fuck that noise. 
4. Social media - there is nothing that will remind you how many stupid ass kids you went to high school with more than social media after something like Ferguson or Trayvon Martin or any time Obama speaks in public. It reminds me how happy I am that (a) I went to one of the more liberal schools in the nation, not that that insulated me from racism or sexism completely, but it certainly lowered the number of people who I think are completely bigoted idiots. My best friend was on the executive board of the College Republicans at Brown and as a result, I met a lot of people who identify as conservative at a school where you could probably fit all of the Republicans in one dorm room. I find it amazingly awesome that none of them have posted anything that has grossly offended me in the past few weeks. In fact, one posted a video of NWA's Fuck Tha Police as a result of what's going down in Ferguson. Dumb ass people from high school, though. That's another story. It just makes you want to defriend people you've known forever. Mostly because it makes you wonder how those people view you and that's unsettling. Luckily, it's no one I care to be friends with in real life, but that doesn't mean it isn't somewhat painful. 

Anyway, I'm rambling and this is poorly written and incoherent, but it's my state of mind right now.

lazy sunday.

I'm lying in bed, still in my pajamas, with the worst crick in my neck. I must have slept funny last night because moving my head is super painful. I'm kind of mad at myself for wasting a weekend. I've been in a really odd mood lately and I'm not sure why. I just feel... boring. Maybe it was the exhilaration of Italy two weeks ago, but I'm back to real life and I feel stagnant. Still waiting on job things. I don't have too many fun things planned for the rest of the year. My birthday is creeping up and I don't really know what to do for it. Blah.

I spent about 7 hours taking down my twists and detangling my hair. What a beast! I didn't even have the strength to wash it after all of that, so that will be on tonight's to do list. I have to go to Vegas tomorrow for work and sit through a bunch of asinine meetings with a girl on my team whose work style kind of irks me. I haven't packed for that yet... Hell, I haven't unpacked from the past two weeks. My apartment is a hot mess. Everything is just kind of low energy and I wasted this weekend doing my hair and then lazing about reading and watching TV.

I need to get out of this slump, but I'm not really sure how to do that.

interviews.

Tomorrow I have two interviews for a position I really want. I'm super freaking nervous, but I'm hoping everything will be fine. I haven't really prepared, because I'm not really sure how to prepare. I'm just praying that I can be poised, confident, and knowledgeable. Of course, because God knows I don't like to wait, I won't hear back about next steps until next week. The recruiter is out on vacation. Please pray for me. If I don't get out of this current role, I'm going to scream!

weird mood.

I know I need to blog about Italy, but getting all the photos together and writing everything out sounds like work. I'm going to table that for the weekend, when I have some time to relax. Catching up after a week away from work is kind of insane! I also just feel so strange. I have this weird pit in my stomach that I can't explain. I feel that way sometimes when people visit and they leave or when a big change is about to happen. I'm not really sure what big change is happening and maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm leaving New York on Monday, but I just feel kind of oddly melancholy. I slept until 10am today, which is SO not like me. I normally like to get up early and putter around the house.

I miss vacation. I know I take a lot of them (Holla - 7 years at my company gets me 5 weeks off and I have a shit ton of comp time!), but I miss relaxing. Most of the time when I go away domestically, I check email, I respond to things, and I'm active with work. Last week, I barely checked anything at all and certainly didn't reply to anything that wasn't personal or related to my potential job transfer. It was nice.

Speaking of job transfer, I have my final two interviews next Wednesday. SO freaking nervous. Then, if I pass that hurdle, I have to meet with the person who would be my director, who I actually already know and have worked with before. My interviews so far have been good and I'm still excited about the role. I do have some nervousness around it, though. I'm scared to go back to working in Mountain View. The commute is terrible. Although, it can be argued that I spend 90 min every day on a city bus to get to a job that is only 4 miles away. The plus side of Mountain View is that the campus is amazing, there's a lot down there, and I'd get to get out of the crummy SF weather. However, going to Giants games during the week would be a lot more of a challenge =)

I think I'm feeling odd because I know that a major lifestyle change is going to happen. This potential career change is going to be very different for me. That jetsetting travel shit I do will be gone. Although, since I've developed a taste for travel, I'm really hoping it just motivates me to take more personal trips. One thing I am kind of happy about is that my job will use some different parts of my brain. I love events and they are SO DAMN DIFFICULT. Seriously, I have a tremendous amount of respect for everyone in the industry and the levels of stress that we deal with, but when you're in the moment freaking out about a goddamn piece of swag, you can't help but think WHAT IS MY LIFE?! If I got this new role, it would be working with the team that does machine learning and search and geo engineering. That shit is exciting! Also, I'd get to write. I love to write. The written word and language has always excited me. As a kid, I would read these weird books about etymology, and even now, I love finding the perfect word or turn of phrase to describe something. Anyway. Change is a'comin. I better prepare myself.

In the meantime, this weekend is all about Long Island things - mani/pedi, threading, BEACH, movies, and being outside in the warm night air. Cannot wait.

i'm back!

God, Italy is beautiful. I want to go there every year until I die. Or until I move myself there =)

I'm exhausted, so I'll post more about the trip later, but it was nice to get away with friends and take myself out of the day-to-day rush of life. I've been thinking about the life I want and how I plan to go about creating it and I'm excited. The great thing about being young, single, childless, and employed is that there is so much possibility. I just need to be willing to do the work to figure out what I want and alto to have the courage to go for it. I think I'm starting to get there -- it's taken a while, but I'm starting to realize what's important to me and how I'm going to go about getting it.

Anyway, jet lag is still killing me, so let me keep plugging away on my list!

wedding weekend!

Currently en route to NYC on Amtrak from Harrisburg. Had an amazing time at SW's wedding! It was so nice to see MW - last time I saw her was at her own wedding. The wedding was at a beautiful winery and the night was full of wine and dancing. I love weddings! I don't even know why. I'm so cynical about my own love life, but there's something magical about them. It's also fun to catch up with old friends and see what everyone is doing. So glad I was able to make it!

I can't believe I leave for MILAN in 6 hours. Insanity! Meeting with Gremlin and Creeper is going to be so much fun. Been waiting for this for a long time! I hope there are beautiful Italian men in our futures. Also hope there is a beautiful Chanel bag in my future. I feel like burning cash right now =)

Anyway, so much more to update on: my weird mood, my job plans, and my younger brother's pending engagement. More to follow from the airport.

a little quick update on work.

I have bounced back from my external rejection and am forging ahead! I currently have my sights set on 3 jobs (realistically, though, only two). One is in London and the other two are Bay Area, but they are both with my company. The more I think about it, the more I don't want to leave. I know I'm being ensnared by the perks and the shiny nature of all of it, but I'm okay with that. I like my lifestyle and I want to keep it. Ain't no shame.

The job in London is doing community manager work there - throwing events locally, discovering the hotspots of London. I'm really just excited about it because it's in London. I don't expect to be seriously considered for the role, as there is a lot of interest and I'm not local, but doesn't hurt to try! The second one would be amazing - it's a marketing role for one of our top secret groups. I think it would be great to be working closely with technology again and working with a group that is trying to change the world. Last is a communications role. I love writing (duh!) and it would be writing for engineering, so I could escape the awful world of sales and marketing.

Wish me luck!

this time next week...

I'll be in Italy! With Creeper and Gremlin (my lovely NYC work friends). I miss them SO much and I'm so happy we were able to plan this time away together. I am getting so damn excited about it! I still have no idea what I'm going to wear there or how to pack or what kind of suitcase to take. THERE ARE SO MANY OPTIONS. I also have SW's wedding before then and a train trip (my favorite kind) to NYC. I am not ready for this week at all, but I hope that makes the vacation that much more enjoyable!

Wish me luck getting ready!

omg my life.

I haven't written in a bit because I'm exhausted and I've been drinking like whoa. What is my life? Anyway, I had a spectacularly unproductive weekend these past couple of days, but it was so much fun! Things that happened:

• I had a spa day with my work girls and it was blissful. ALL the catching up, tons of champagne, a body wrap, and a pitstop at the Riptide to end the night. So many favorite things!
• I had a threesome. I guess I should blog about it, but I'm kind of tired, so I'm not going to. If you know me IRL, just ask! Maybe I'll write about it later. There was a guy. And another girl. I didn't know either of them. It was fun. Yeah...
• I got my urban hiking in on Saturday and was generally a hermit. I have 4 new books to read and I had to get cracking.
• Sunday brunch was glorious. There was too much alcohol, too much ice cream, and too much napping. Also pretty sure I'll never be allowed in Absinthe again. 
• There is this kid who will not stop texting me about how badly he wants to go down on me. He keeps using that emoji with the tongue sticking out and I immediately dry up like the Sahara every time I see it. Gross.

That's all folks!

what is my life?

Good Lord, last night. Because, according to all my gay male friends, "I'm the gayest person they know," I decided I wanted to go to a musical night at this gay bar in the Castro with two of my favorites. We had no clue what to expect, but after a delicious dinner, we headed over to see what was what. The bar was kind of quiet, I was pretty much the only one with a vagina there, and they were playing videos of different musicals on the screen. It was a little awkward, so Vest and I decided to just start drinking. Super strong whiskey gingers on deck and after a few songs, everything was AMAZING. They played the best stuff - Rocky Horror, Little Shop of Horrors, The Wiz, Wicked, Hairspray, Company, Cabaret - IT WAS AMAZING. My face lit up with glee with each new song and Vest mocked my enthusiasm. #thisiswhyimsingle #thisiswhyicantgetlaid Whatever, though - I love me some musicals and I enjoyed shouting along to everything and being a general drunken mess. We left around like 12:15am-ish and headed back home. I was starting to feel kind of ill. Then I got an OKC message from this dude I've been chatting with who lives 3 hours away.

Cut to like 15 min later and I'm skyping with this kid. He is beautiful. I mean, total mountain man type - he had a freaking hammock in his room and was wearing some kind of necklace on a leather strap with an artifact-looking pendant on it. He has long hair and a full beard and his muscles - Jesus Christ. His arms - omg there are no words. And his abs were phenomenal as well. Not the Ken Doll 6-pack type, but the rugged I WORK IN THE FIELDS ALL DAY AND COME HOME AND EAT RAW MEAT WITH MY BARE HANDS BEFORE I CLUB A NEARBY WOMAN AND DRAG HER TO MY CAVE type. I'm in love. Okay, maybe not love - but definitely lust. He's hot. I want it. Yes, please. So - he's supposed to be in SF next week and I'm praying that he does come here so we can get it on. That would make me so freaking happy, you have no idea.

Okay, wiping the drool off my mouth and getting back to work. He was a nice diversion last night.

but i am le tired.

I really need to get back into a regular sleep schedule. Working with international offices while not being in an international office is rough. It's 1:30am and I still have a million things on my to do list. So of course, I'm currently watching Breaking Bad and taking the time out to blog about nonsense. #mylife #mychoices

Did a quick day trip to Vegas today with my team. I love them. I really am starting to enjoy the people I work with, if only I enjoyed the tasks I was doing. If only I had time to reflect on my career and my goals. I'm just so burnt out right now. Going to bed every night at 2 or 3am and then getting up in time to get to the office by 9am. It's exhausting.

One good thing - Italy is on the horizon. I leave in t minus 12 days! Cannot wait!

finally!

Finally heard back from the outside job and it's a no. To be honest, I'm just so happy to have ANY answer at all that I'm not even all that upset. It stings a bit - all rejection stings a bit - but as more and more time passed and they hadn't gotten back to me, the enthusiasm waned. Although I may not have the job I want, I do have a *good* job, at a great company, and that's something. Now I just need to find my way forward. I'm not sure what to do next. I think I'm too tapped out for a real, long intensive job search. I'll apply to things here and there as I hear about them, but I think instead I'm going to try and fix the problem from the inside instead of just running from it. I'm going to try and figure out what would make me happy at this company - a new role, a transfer, trying to fix the role I'm currently in. I'm not really sure, but I've got some time to think about it, and I'm going to do just that.

what to be when i grow up?

This is all assuming that I ever grow up. I've been so pensive lately about my career path. I'm also exhausted because the job I'm currently in is going crazy and I stay up every night until 2:30am trying to answer emails from Europe and Asia. I just feel like this is a time of a lot of upheaval and I want to make sure I'm pursuing the correct path. If I'm going to make a move or a change, I want it to be the right change. Not an impulsive decision that I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life.

Obviously, I still haven't heard back from the external job. I'm looking at a new internal one, but still waiting on that as well. I was chatting with Senior Year Roomie today and it made me think about what I actually want out of a career. I just can't seem to find that magic answer. What would make me happy? The worst thing about being a jack of all trades is that when your interests and skills are so varied, you can see yourself in a wide variety of roles. Yet, none of them seems like it's the "one."

I love the pace of my current job - I love traveling, I love planning, I love getting lost in the details. However, I've never been an ultra-creative in the way that some of my teammates are. My favorite things to do with events are curation and technology. Also, communication and solving large puzzles. If I could just find a role that would allow me to do all those things, without the bullshit politics (or planning the perfect evening reception), I would be happy.  I don't want to give up my travel schedule, though, and a normal 9-5 desk job just isn't in the cards for me. I get bored too easily.

Anyway, while I wait I might as well try to see what I want. Who knows? Maybe I'm at the point in my life where I need to decide to create my own opportunities, whether that's at my current company or out on my own. Scary.

late night musings.

Sigh. I have a long list tonight and I want to get most of it done. I don't know why I keep staying up like this. I have an early meeting tomorrow and then a baseball game in Oakland, so I really shouldn't be up, but oh well.

1. Still no word from this other job. It's agonizing and at this point, I'm like WTF.
2. I applied for another role at my current company, but working in the London office. Pray they write me back. Somebody must want to hire me.
3. I just spent 90 minutes on the phone with a new boy. There have been too many new boys. It's crazy. I really just need to get my sexual frustration out somewhere and then maybe I can chill the fuck out. 
4. My job is eating away at my soul. It's really hard to be in this role and I hate not feeling creative. Instead, I'm spending all my time answering emails from terrible people who are entitled and awful. I need a new creative outlet.

Anyhow, I should get back to being productive. Wish me luck!

i don't want to go back to the real world.

The thought of work tomorrow is agonizing. I just want to stay at home all day, watch all the Boardwalk Empire, and take epic walks around the city. Instead, I get to go in to the office and answer whiny emails from entitled jackasses. Jesus, my life right now. I'm in the midst of hating this whole dating thing. It's a long story that I don't feel like getting into, but I just feel so undesirable right now, which is the common thing that happens when I know I'm on the verge of being rejected. So I overcompensate and look for things to make me feel better about my situation. Currently, those things are two new men that I'm not all that interested, but that will do for my purposes. Don't ever let anyone tell you dating is fun. It's hell.

I was super depressed this morning, but then JK and I had brunch at our favorite #hiddengem, where I ate all the things. That was followed by Riptide for their 10th Anniversary, where there was more food (omg BBQ!) and alcohol. I felt immensely better after hanging out, but now I'm full and dying after my 2 hour nap. I need to get my life in order, but I also don't have time to get my life in order. I was supposed to be productive this weekend, but that went out the window. I'm okay with that, though. I got to spend time with my friends, who I hadn't seen in forever - lots of yummy dinners and fun conversation.

One day my shit will be together, but it may take some time and I just need to be patient.