all black everything.

Lately, all I can think about is blackness, for a variety of reasons. I'm way too tired to be writing this post, but I might as well empty my brain out a bit. I haven't been journaling a lot lately, so this is a way for me to capture my thoughts. I feel like the past two weeks have been full of things that have me thinking about race and society and sexuality and it's painful and riveting at the same time. Some things:

1. Ferguson - I don't even have words to express the fear, anger, and exasperation that one feels as a black person in this country. Shit like this makes me want to move somewhere far away where the specter of slavery and lynchings and police brutality don't exist. You just carry around this anger with you that you don't even realize is there until something like the shooting of Mike Brown happens and there it is again. Burning a hole in your soul that will never be filled. Making you question if you even want to bring new life into this world because what's the point? 
2. Twitter - Black Twitter has given me so much sustenance over the past year. The brilliance of some of these folks like @feministajones, @thetrudz, and @karnythia makes me so proud to be a black woman and also so motivated to be better - to think critically, to take action, to organize. It's a beautiful thing.
3. Nicki Minaj - The release of the Anaconda video has me so sprung for this woman. There have been a ton of critiques and analysis about the video, and I'm not nearly coherent enough right now to do any of that, but I fucking love it. She is beautiful and she does whatever the fuck she wants and it's not for the male gaze and it's not about being exploited. It's a bad ass bitch being a motherfucking bad ass bitch and looking hot while she's doing it. I get so tired of respectability politics and the notion that a woman isn't smart because she is sexual. Fuck that noise. 
4. Social media - there is nothing that will remind you how many stupid ass kids you went to high school with more than social media after something like Ferguson or Trayvon Martin or any time Obama speaks in public. It reminds me how happy I am that (a) I went to one of the more liberal schools in the nation, not that that insulated me from racism or sexism completely, but it certainly lowered the number of people who I think are completely bigoted idiots. My best friend was on the executive board of the College Republicans at Brown and as a result, I met a lot of people who identify as conservative at a school where you could probably fit all of the Republicans in one dorm room. I find it amazingly awesome that none of them have posted anything that has grossly offended me in the past few weeks. In fact, one posted a video of NWA's Fuck Tha Police as a result of what's going down in Ferguson. Dumb ass people from high school, though. That's another story. It just makes you want to defriend people you've known forever. Mostly because it makes you wonder how those people view you and that's unsettling. Luckily, it's no one I care to be friends with in real life, but that doesn't mean it isn't somewhat painful. 

Anyway, I'm rambling and this is poorly written and incoherent, but it's my state of mind right now.