I stopped going to therapy sometime last year - I think maybe around the holidays. My insurance was changing and I wasn't super excited about my therapist and so I just dropped it. I thought it was fine at the time. Then there was blood clot and when I didn't descend into the usual depression that had consumed me when it happened in 2008, I figured I was okay not seeing anyone. Now, I'm starting to think that I seriously overestimated my mental health.
I just feel like shit most of the time. I had a really good date last night and even that isn't making me feel bad. There's a piece of me that feels like I'm descending into that teenage angst that defined my middle and high school experience. Every day is a struggle, I'm constantly tired, and I just feel so blah. More than blah, I feel unsettled and it's really difficult to explain. I don't know what I want to do with my life and it's scary. Sometimes I feel so dead inside. I know I'm not at that "I want to cut myself with a razor" stage and I don't think I'll ever go back to that, but I feel the same deadness that inspired those actions. One day, I would love to write about those experiences, but today is not that day.
Anyway, yeah. Therapy. I need to focus on that. For my own sanity lol.
Samesies. :( I've been getting progressively worse all summer, and have gotten to the random bursts of crying phase, with NO IDEA why. No triggers or pattern or anything. I need to find a therapist for sure, but also am hoping that getting back into the structure of school will help.
ReplyDelete=( yeah, having a routine can help. i think once i figure out my career trajectory i'll be a less stressed, less emotional person
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