There is nothing like a failed job search to make you feel absolutely shitty about yourself. I've been getting rejected left and right and nothing is working out. I'm one of those people that believes that things work out for a reason, so maybe I just haven't found the right position yet. I'm trying to decide if I should be putting effort into making my current job better or if I should just keep looking for a new role. I honestly don't know what the best course of action is.
My job has it's perks and there are things about it that are absolutely amazing. I don't have to commute down to Mountain View (check plus!). I get to go to cool events and have access to a lot of connections - for example, the amazing getaway I have planned for next week in San Diego, free of charge. My manager is super lenient about working from home and taking vacation. All of this is pretty freaking sweet - I acknowledge that. I just don't feel fulfilled with what I'm doing on a day to day basis. I'm trying to figure out if it's just a bad year for me and the team or if there's something bigger at play. I mean, I had a fucking blood clot in January. I went for about 7 months without having a manager or any kind of direction, and I'm currently on a team of 7 other people and 6 of them are brand new to the company (including my new manager). It's been a rough year. I think I need to find a way to fall in love with my job again.
Contrary to popular believe amongst my friends, I really like to work. I like feeling useful and getting shit done and staying up til 2am answering emails or planning amazing experiences for our attendees. I love 20 hour days when you're up before the sun and then up late to shut down an event. Event planning is stressful and most of us in the industry thrive on that stress. I don't even like talking to my friends about work because it's hard to explain what we do and I feel like there's no respect for it at all. It's really hurtful when people you care about act like you don't do anything ever and belittle your job. But, that's another entry for another time. Point is - I used to LOVE this job and I enjoyed giving my all to it. Last year, I worked my ass off, producing a ton of events for one of the most visible brands in the world. I love the company I work for and whenever I'm physically at an event, I remember what is so amazing about them. Maybe that's it - maybe I just haven't done enough events this year? Admittedly, it's been a slow year as we've been ramping up all these new people - last year, I did 9 major events before September (including a conference for 12,000 people). This year, it's September and I've done ONE event. One. It's disgusting, quite frankly. Maybe I just need to throw myself into work again and get re-motivated. I also think the fact that two of my work besties are no longer on the team has certainly made it less appealing. I got really used to working with certain people, and I had this rhythm and now there are new people and that rhythm is gone.
I've always been one of those Jill of All Trades types. I like change and movement and gaining new skills. So moving to another department and having a different life appeals to my sense of change. This is the longest I've been on a single team, as well as the longest amount of time I've lived in one place continuously. Maybe I'm just bored. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know that I cannot live apathetically. I have to be immersed in whatever it is I'm doing to feel fulfilled. So maybe it's time to fucking dive in and if that doesn't work, at least I know I tried.
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