grown up life.

I struggle with the concept of adulthood. I spent most of my childhood longing to be an adult - chasing after this vision of grown-up perfection that seemed so elusive. I distinctly remember being 6 years old and fascinated with who I would be at 16 (in my mind, 16 was the best age and meant I would be a mature woman... ah, the folly of youth!). For some reason, I imagined myself with a long braid, wearing a lot of gingham and short shorts. Basically, my young mind was picturing my adult self as the black version of Daisy Duke. I would have a boyfriend and straight As and ALL the friends and it would be glorious. When I reached 16, I didn't hit all of those milestones - finding a boyfriend seems to be damn near impossible for me, my hair was short, and I got over my love of gingham - and I realized pretty quickly that my vision of adulthood was extremely naive.

I'm in another phase of longing for adulthood right now. From the outside looking in, everything is settled. I have a good job, I make good money, I live alone, I even go on the occasional date. Yet, I still feel so stuck. I want to feel a sense of permanence that I don't have. I've always been kind of commitment-phobic, but I thought that was mostly in my dating life. The more time passes, though, the more I see this in other aspects of my life. I just want to commit to something and stick to it - a house, a career, a man, a pet, a city. I just don't think I'm going to feel like an adult until I do those things.

2015 is a big year for me. It's time to finally going to get my shit together. If I don't commit to new levels of growth and change, I am never going to feel settled. Until I feel like I'm in a permanent space in my life, I don't think I'm going to be able to achieve the happiness I so desperately crave.