we still don't know what we are doing at work.

Today, we were supposed to get the big email telling us our new pods at work, but of course because everything about my team is terrible, we didn't get it yet. I'm nervous. I just feel so unmotivated to plan events right now, especially large conferences. I only have one event that seems even remotely exciting to me, and I'm so jaded that I'm sure that will get fucked up soon, too. I've just hit my wall when it comes to this event shit. I don't want to do it anymore, but I don't know what else I do want to do. I thought I might want to do communications, but I think I'm over the corporate life and need to figure something else out. I'm ready to be done with the ridiculous rat race that is living in San Francisco and working in tech. It's a holy freaking nightmare, and I don't know how people do this day in and day out for years and years.

I'm trying to recalibrate my idea of success and determine how I can get there. I thought it was the money, the lifestyle, the travel, and all the trappings of that life, but this shit is not making me happy anymore. I want something simple, something that is my own, something I can grow for myself. I'm ready for a different pace of life. Now I just need the courage to make that leap.

revelations.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and a few things have come to mind.

1. I need to set a deadline for leaving my company. It doesn't have to be tomorrow, but I need to put a date on calendar and commit myself to leaving by then.
2. I want to move to SoCal at some point. Most likely San Diego, but perhaps LA.
3. I want my own business. I'm never going to be satisfied unless I'm doing something for me, something that I've created and am passionate about.
4. I can't even begin to focus on love or relationships until I've figured out what my hustle is going to be. In the meantime, I want to have a lot of fun sexual exploration. 
5. I need to sleep more.
6. I need to do another juice cleanse because I already feel like shit from all of my drinking and eating over the past 5 days.

That's all. #tired

sex is a good way to forget you're not eating.

I survived Day 3 of the cleanse, mostly with help from The Activist, who continues to make me super happy in bed. So yay! After a rough day of nothing but juice for the third day in a row, The Activist texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out. He was being a little different than normal - wanting to hang out earlier, flip flopping on where we should go - so I was terrified that I was going to get the "It's been nice, but I'm out" speech. I was wrong - it must've been hunger making me crazy. Thank GOD because I cannot lose this FWB situation. It's the best one yet. I like him a lot as a person, but we are strictly screwing. We only text when we want to hang out, but when we do hang out, we have real conversations and treat each other like human beings, and then have awesome sex. Everybody wins and it's all good. Last night's hookup with interesting, though...

First off, his landlords weren't home, which was awesome because we got to hang out in the den and chat. He was eating chili when I came over and I wanted nothing more than to yank the bowl out of his hands and go HAM on that chili, but I'm a lady, so I just explained that I wasn't eating. He seemed mystified by me doing a cleanse, but generally respectful of it. He ate quickly and put the food away. Then, there were the pets. I've slept over there a bunch, but I never really knew they lived with animals. There are two dogs - they are so cute and affectionate! - and then a black cat. Oh Lord, that cat...

So apparently the cat, named Lumpy, has now become obsessed with The Activist. It sleeps with him at night and generally loves him. Needless to say, phe (we don't know its gender - Vest calls it Homo Cat) was NOT happy that I was in the picture. We were making out and rolling around on his bed and then all of a sudden, I turn around and open my eyes and these two green eyes are staring at me. It's the damn cat! It was generally all up in our business the entire evening and he had to put it out of the room several times, but whenever one of us would go to the bathroom or leave the room, it would immediately run back in. One time, I was alone, laying in the bed and phe came in. It kept looking at me and sizing me up like "Who dis woman?" Then it leapt onto the bed and kept making these noises and looking at me like it wanted me to move. Then when he came back, it would lay in between us. Stupid jealous cat. I had to laugh at it though, because it was amusing.

Yes, that was my night - trying to get laid while also swatting away a cat every 20 minutes. I still had fun, though. He made me some tea so I could get some kind of nutrients in my body and we watched a documentary on the Newark race riots of 1967 and then we went to sleep. Not my typical date night, but fun nontheless.

juice cleanse, day 2.

I'm doing a juice cleanse right now (the goal is 3 days, I'm on Day #2), and to my shock and surprise, I actually like it! I never really feel hungry, except around like 5pm and then I'll usually take a little nap, awaken, and drink the next juice. I've just been feeling insanely sluggish and gross lately, and it's been nice to up my veggie intake and stop putting disgusting crap into my body. I also love doing things that show discipline. In many aspects of my life - eating, drinking and sex come to mind - I'm not all that disciplined. Sometimes, to combat that, I like to mix it up and try to challenge myself. I did a year of celibacy, I tried giving up alcohol for Lent, and now I'm trying this juice thing.

I enjoy playing with elements of control. Anyone who has seen one of my lists knows that I'm an insane OCD control freak. I panic when I don't feel like I'm on top of my shit. It's one of the big things I talked about with my old therapist. I am incredibly tightly wound, mostly because I know how I would behave if I wasn't. I need order and discipline so I don't fall into a downward spiral. Lately, I think I've gone down the rabbit hole of bad behavior with my personal health, and I'm trying to pull myself out. I've gained a lot of weight, mostly because I've picked up some godawful eating habits. I also know that I drink too much. So, I'm trying to fix this, and the juice cleanse is a refresh on how I'm eating and my feelings about food and my body. I have more insight into this, but I'm definitely not at 100% mental capacity while I'm not eating solid food, so I'll pop in later with more thoughts.

shut in weekend complete!

I needed this weekend for my sanity and mental health. I'm having the period from hell and I just could not bring myself to do anything even remotely active or involving other people. The Activist texted me and asked me if I wanted to come over last night, but I had to decline. I'm hoping I get to see him this week, though. I totally miss our hookups - he is the best. So instead, I spent time drinking wine, watching TV, and reading ALL of the books/magazines. Blissful.

Starting tomorrow, I'm doing a juice cleanse because I just can't ingest anything else into my body. I will probably regret this, but I feel so icky lately and I just want to hit the reset button. I even considered just fasting, but I need some kind of sustenance if I'm going to make it through this week at work. On the bright side, starting Friday, two of my favorites will be in SF for a wedding weekend! I cannot wait! It's my last wedding of the year and it's local. HOLLA!

In work news, I'm applying to another thing I probably won't get, but really want - a rotation program for Q1 (Jan-Mar) of next year. There's the PERFECT job in NYC that would be excellent for me. I want it so freaking badly. Then, there's a job that seems less perfect, but could work and is in Dublin, so I could live my dream of working abroad for a bit. I need to polish my resume and get those applications locked and loaded by Friday. Wish me luck - if this is anything like my job search process, I'm going to need it!

FINALLY. WEEKEND!

I feel like I haven't been in my apartment for a weekend in forever. Last weekend was all about volunteering, and the weeks before that were visitors, weddings, and birthday parties. This weekend, I only have one obligation - a dinner on Saturday night. Thank goodness! I'm hoping to get some cleaning done, do some work, and clear out my DVR. My body, soul, and spirit are just so tired. I need to relax, especially since I have a whole bunch of social obligations starting next week. Am I ready to be #butterfly again? I don't know.

Tonight, though - I'm all about being a shut in. One of the best things about being in your late 20s is losing that need to go out every weekend. I am perfectly content sitting at home, eating fried chicken, drinking a glass of red wine and watching ALL the DVR. Truly perfection. I'm so tired I can't even see straight, so I suppose there's no point in continuing to write anything. I need to get my butt in bed. Here's to a productive, yet chill Saturday and Sunday!

up late.

I'm up late watching American Horror Story: Freak Show and generally scaring myself. I took this epic 4 hour nap at 7pm, so that's going to screw me up for a bit. Not much has changed, but I feel like blogging. Work still sucks epically. Still hoping to sleep with The Activist this weekend - well, I guess just hooking up because #periodlife. I'm really praying that tomorrow is less of a shitshow at work than it's been the past couple of days. I need a break. I'm so happy I have little to no plans this weekend. I think it'll give me a chance to relax.

I'm applying for a rotation for next quarter at work - new job, new location. I really hope I get it, because I don't know how I'm going to survive if I don't get out of this job.

Pray for me.

i had the worst dream last night.

Work is really fucking with my ability to live a normal life. This morning, I woke up hysterically crying from a dream. This has only ever happened a couple of times, and they were all dreams where my father died, so this was really disturbing.

In the dream, my whole team was in a classroom and we had to present on our current projects. Most of the group went, and then it was my turn. I stood up and started to talk about the cancellation of this event, all of the work I was doing for it, and how it's been a learning experience. As I was talking, one of our team leaders interrupted me and told me that I was doing the assignment wrong and that everything had to be framed in a certain way. Then she pointed to a chalkboard and there were words on it that hadn't been there in the first place. That's when it happened. I flipped the fuck out - rubber band SNAP. I started yelling about how the company is bullshit and my team is bullshit and no one cares about anyone else and we just have to jump through these terrible hoops for nothing. Executives are bullshit and they don't care about us. I went OFF. I was shaking and screaming and raising hell. Then I sat down and everyone was like O_O, all staring at me. After that I ran out of the room and collapsed in the door jamb crying. I just kept on saying "I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. I have an Ivy League degree and I'm smart and I work hard, but this is just too much for me. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore."

So basically... I can't do this anymore. My subconscious is SCREAMING at me and I need to listen. Change is in the wind.

sex education

I spent 18 hours this weekend in sex education training, volunteering to help the trainers with the first week of classes. It was intense as fuck! I am so exhausted - I have no idea how long I'll last tonight. I just want to sleep and never wake up - "That's called death..." my friends remind me. To top it off, I went out last night to Butter, my favorite place, and had lots of jello shots and a Long Island Iced Tea with my lovely coworkers, former team lead, and her sisters. It was worth going out for a bit, but I'm ready to collapse.

One thing I was reminded of this weekend was my former passion for sex ed. I miss it. I miss it a lot, and there's such a void to be filled at the organization I volunteer with. I'm searching for something meaningful and exciting to do with my life, and I just wish I could find a way to make sex ed part of it. I'm even more motivated after this weekend to find a way to make this a part of my life, but my way and on my terms.

The sex ed community in San Francisco is hella white, hella poly/bi/kinky, and if you don't fit into those labels, you can feel ostracized. My goal is to find (or create) a community for people who don't necessarily fit inside those lines. I still would like to be a part of the organization, and to do work for them, but I acknowledge that I'm not going to get all of my needs met there. So I have to find my own niche. You know, that 'be the change you want to see in the world' shit.

Maybe it'll give me a reason to live. Lately, it's been one shitty thing after another. I could use something positive.

well, that was an interesting experience.

I had a sexual experience the other day that is blowing my mind! Yes, this is going to be a sex post. The mind-blowing piece isn't about the actual sex, but more how it's reframing how I think about sex in general. So you know I've been seeing The Activist pretty regularly and it's awesome and amazing and things are just the right level of friends-with-benefits. On Monday, though, I went out with San Jose, this dude I had a first date with like a month ago but then we both got busy and were traveling and it was hard to meet up.

First off - I went to San Jose for a date. I mean, I was down in Mountain View for work already, so it was less annoying at first, but still. It took me almost two hours to get home. I need to stick to San Francisco boys. Maybe Oakland/Berkeley. Maybe some people think love knows no bounds, but I'm pretty sure my capacity for love taps out around Daly City. Anyway, he picked me up from the shuttle stop and took me to this little cute wine bar. We had a couple of glasses of wine, and then he asked me if I wanted to watch some cartoon he thought I would like. I said yes, because I was intrigued by him (I could give two shits about a cartoon). We got to his place, he put on the cartoon, and then he started giving me a foot rub. Normally that skeeves me out, because I fucking hate feet, but I went with it. That turned into a back rub, which is literally the key to my soul vagina. Seriously. If you rub my back, I'll do anything you want me to. Maybe twice. Then, we're making out a little bit and he pulls me toward the bed and he's like, "I want to tie you up."

GIRL, I FROZE. I mean, I've been tied up before, so it wasn't that. I was just so taken aback by it. I mean, he went from 0 to 100 in like no time flat. We had talked about BDSM during our first date, but this was really abrupt. But, because I'm always game for a story (note: this will be why I die someday), I was like, "Okay." So what followed was maybe like an hour or 90 minutes of being tied up, blindfolded, and gagged. We had absolutely no penetration - no vaginal sex, no anal sex, no oral sex. Nothing. Yet... I probably climaxed more than I have with 85% of my partners. So yeah, I'm like - did we have sex? I mean, we didn't have sex... but it was kind of like sex. I DON'T KNOW. I'm so confused. I don't know if I want it to happen again. I mean, I probably want it to happen again. He was very talented, and yet - I missed the actual intimacy of sex. I love my BDSM shit - it's fun and kinky and exciting. But, there's something about the intimacy of penetration that I like a lot.

I will continue to explore this and write back.

holy shit.

My life is currently in a state of WTF. I can't even really describe it, especially not at 2:30AM. Of course, I took one of my epic naps and am now up trying to finish my to do list. I'm also watching American Horror Story: Freak Show because apparently, I don't want to sleep a wink tonight.

My job has truly gone off the rails. That huge event that was going to happen - it's canceled, and now I'm spending all of my time at work cleaning up the mess. In the words of my coworker JS, "I can't believe this is my job right now." You all thought I hated my job back in May? Well, now I loathe and despise it. I'm having my come to Jesus moment and I don't know what's going to happen, but something has got to give. Everything is monumentally fucked and I need to draw on all of my resources, strength, and hustle to figure out my life. There really aren't words to describe how you feel when one year of your career just blows up in smoke, right in front of your face. It's maddening, frustrating, and makes you want to scream. I am not myself anymore - I'm angry and I don't have any fucks left to give.

I think all of this is showing me that corporate America is not where I'm meant to be, and I need to figure something else out. I'm taking the Foreign Services Officer Test on Friday, I'm exploring the "going back to school" option, and I'm thinking of how I can turn my likes and hobbies into something that will give me a living wage. I need some kind of new life, and I don't know what makes the most sense, but the tide is turning and shit is going down.

Stay tuned.

crunch.

Back from Hawaii and shit is about to get real. We are 6 weeks out from the biggest event we've ever done as a company and we are so freaking behind. I need to step up my game over the next 6 weeks and get through this shit. I absolutely cannot wait to be finished, but I'm really proud of what I've done in regards to this event. Even through the shittiness of hating my job, I think I was able to deliver big time on the chunk of the event that I owned.

It's time to get serious about a lot of other shit, too. I'm currently dating two men and I feel really good about that. Sex with The Activist is amazing and lovely and he's busy enough that I don't feel smothered, but available enough that I'm getting laid on the regs. He invited me to go to a concert with him and his friends tomorrow (cue shocked face!)... but I'm out of town for a friend's birthday, so I had to decline. Then there's San Jose, who I'm going out with on Monday for our second date. I feel like he has a lot of promise and I'm looking forward to seeing if we have chemistry on this date.

I need to get my fat ass back in the gym. This is a MUST for the next three months. Even if I don't lose a damn pound, I want to get back in shape. I miss being athletic and I miss enjoying my body and loving it. I'm like 65% okay with it and that needs to change.

I'm ready to spend more time in SF - there has been too much travel lately and I miss my adopted city. I love it here. I want to enjoy it more and spend time doing fun shit. I also miss and love my friends, who have made the past four years here an absolute dream. I need to invest more in those relationships, too.

THERE'S JUST SO MUCH TO DO. WHY IS LIFE SO COMPLICATED?

Anyways, I need to pack for Tahoe and finish up some work, but these are the thoughts swirling in my head right now.