ooooohhhh we're halfway there!

Holy shit! Today is the last day of June - tomorrow officially begins the second half of the year. Crazy town! I cannot believe how fast time has flown. I've been thinking back to my goals for the year and how Year of Fun (#YOF) has been going. Some reflections:

Where I've Been

1. YOF started off with a bang! Or a blood clot! That kind of put a cramp in my style as far as being fun and social was concerned, but I think I've bounced back fairly well. I have a medication regimen, a really good primary care physician, and I'm doing much better.
2. I went on #TrainCruise. So, what started out as a funny little proposition ended up being amazingly fun. And I got laid. I'd say that's a win-win. I'll also be joining the band Train on their 2015 cruise and I couldn't be more excited!
3. I've been proud of myself for getting out there and branching out, while also spending time with my core group of friends. There have been Giants games, bingo nights, brunches, a Boston wedding, a trip to DC, visit to Hidden Gem, annual Oscar party, dance nights at Butter, and lots of #collusion. I feel so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. They make me so happy!
4. I started looking for a new job. I finally admitted to myself that I want *more* - that I've become stagnant and I need some change. I'm also contemplating leaving my company of SEVEN FREAKING YEARS. That is a long time to be somewhere and I'm excited about the new prospects, but also quite terrified. Still, motion is good. "Those who do not move, do not notice their chains."

Where I Need To Go

1. For whatever reason, I tend to be more of an entertainer in the latter half of the year - I'm looking forward to having more folks in my place for birthday, Christmas, and maybe some other special fun nights in between. 
2. I need to get control of all this weight I've gained. Year of Exercising lol. I'm hoping to get back into my fitness regimen and also start focusing on what I'm putting into my body. 28 year old me cannot hang the way 22 year old me could.
3. This job shit needs to get settled. I need a new role by the end of the year. That is a promise I'm making to myself.
4. More SF exploration. While I think Vest and I have been good about branching out, doing more shit (we marched at Pride!), and being more social - we need to try more new hotspots. No more same old, same old - trying out new bars and restaurants is a must!
5. SEX. I need more sex in 2014. I don't think I'll meet a soul mate this year - there's just too much in flux right now, but damnit - I WILL get laid on a regular basis.

Yay - here's to the rest of 2014!

Pride & Sex Things.

OMG - first Pride ever! It was awesome - my company had a huge float and we went and drank and marched and had a grand old time. JazzGirl painted rainbows on me and Vest and we all went and showed our love for the gay community. It was a long ass march, for sure, but I'm glad I did it and it was great to see so many people out supporting gay rights. I love this city, for serious. Never want to leave.

Then, tonight I went on a date to pre-screen a potential fuck buddy. I was a little nervous - he's kinda young (23) and I've never really entered into a business-like friends with benefits situation, but I like him. He was so open and forthright about everything and it just felt so natural. We spent a lot of time talking about sex - what we like, what we don't like, how society fucks up our relationships and ability to communicate. It was honestly SO refreshing. I was really impressed that 23 year old dude could be so level-headed about that stuff. I was not expecting it. We have a date on Thursday to test our physical chemistry. I'm looking forward to it! This could be just what I need while I'm getting my work stuff figured out.

return to dating.

I went on my first real-life date in forever the other night. Sushi dinner and then a walk home with a tall legal translator from North Carolina. It was actually nice, in the sense that he was where he said he would be and he was interesting to talk to, but I don't think it's a love connection. He was into it, though, which is always hard. Having mutual feelings is obviously easier. He was really smart - brilliant, actually - and accomplished and all that. He was tall and handsome in an interesting way. He was just really, really nerdy and a little awkward. Don't get me wrong - I'm a colossal nerd myself, but I like to drink and party and have a good time, too. I don't think he really liked any of those things. He also mentioned a board game club he started and I was just like - oh no, this will not do. I don't really get excited unless I can picture us getting wildly drunk together, because that's just one of my favorite things to do. Sad, but true =)

He tried to kiss me. Well, I guess he did kiss me. I totally laughed. I just can't help it - he was complimenting me all night, so I knew it was going to happen, but I was still a little caught off guard by how aggressive he was about it. On the walk home, he told me I had nice lips - that they were pillowy and soft. OMG WHO SAYS THAT? Then he asked me how I would describe my own lips. Girl, bye. I mean, he was sweet, but I just need something ... more. I don't know. I get frustrated by my love life ALL THE TIME. I can't seem to find whatever it is that I'm looking for and I get so disillusioned. Sigh.

Anyway, now I'm just in the market for sex. I have a interview date of sorts with a potential fuck buddy tomorrow night after Pride. Hopefully my period decides to come a day or so late so I can get laid. He seems interesting - smart, tall, well-built, hung, and young (he's 23 lol). So yeah, we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!

the waiting game.

I'm terrible at waiting, but it looks like it'll be another week before I know about this job. Good Lord! I guess this is good, though - more time to think. Plus Mercury will be out of Retrograde then! Yay! Haha yes, I'm a complete New Age hippie freak and I don't give a fuck what people think about it.

In other news, since I'm waiting, I'm trying to focus on some other shit. I am finally at the point where I know I want to change my eating and fitness habits. I've felt so gross lately. My new hair is helping to balance that, but I know that I'm ready to start working out and stop eating crap (and maybe curbing my drinking). I like to think this is a completely new phase in my life where everything is going to change. More effort on getting healthy. More effort on finding happiness in my career. More effort in dating (or at least getting laid). I don't often make time for those kinds of things, and I need to start being more selfish with my time. It's hard for me, though. I like to be a part of everything and hate missing out, so it's hard to turn down invitations or to prioritize the search for a man over other areas of my life. Here's hoping I can figure my shit out over the next couple of months!

job update!

The job at my current company doesn't want me and I am BEYOND relieved. The more I went down the interview process, the less I wanted the job. I was kind of hoping to use it to force the other opportunity to give me an answer sooner, but you know what? I'm good with waiting. What's another couple of weeks? I'm just happy I didn't have to go back and say no and waste anyone's time. They do like me, though, and want me to apply for another role, but I'm not really sure I want to do that. We'll see.

Pray for me.

deadlines.

I gave myself a deadline of June 30th to have sex. I'm not sure I can realistically keep this, but I am damn sure going to try. I don't know why, but I keep on talking to these men and everything is all good and then all of a sudden, poof! They disappear into the ether. I do not know why this is happening, but I feel like half of the reason I'm so tense all the time is because I haven't seen a real life penis since February. I am going stir crazy. I'm on every dating site imaginable and I know I could just screw someone (example: a boy yesterday asked me to come over and make out with him), but I want a little romance... or at least the pretense of it. Buy me a drink, damnit!

Anyway, I don't really have anything that awesome to report, just the fact that sex is on my mind 24/7 so apologies if I don't pay attention to anything anyone is saying to me.

ugh... i hate those moments

... when something happens at work that makes you want to stay, even though you're not sure it's the best decision. Had my performance review today and it was good. It's nice to hear people you work with say nice things about you - feeling validated in your work. My old manager basically told me that she thinks that no one else on the team could have done the role that I'm doing on my current project. That feels good. We also talked about international opportunities and roles on bigger projects. All things I want. Sigh. And then they give you an equity letter with all your new stock and you're just like - motherfucker. 

They don't call them golden handcuffs for nothing. Sometimes I am awed by the privileged position I find myself in now. I'm grateful for it, but it doesn't make decision making any easier.

#firstworldproblems 

adventure.

I am craving adventure - I can feel it in my bones, in my soul, in the deepest core of my being. I just want something new. It doesn't even really matter what it is. I feel like a prisoner in my own life. It's the same shit, day-in and day-out, and I really just want something fresh and new to bring me out of this funk. There's the job aspect of things. I have thoughts of leaving my current company, as well as a brand new idea to just take a sabbatical from my current job to go and do something new and different. I'm dreaming of Europe, of New Orleans, of tropical paradise.

I'm not meant to be caged. It works for a little bit - I feel content and happy and warm, but then my mind starts to wander and I just want new and exciting adventures to make me feel something. I feel dead inside most days. There's the rare exception - nights out dancing with friends, the exhilaration of travel, long conversations with people I love - but in general, I feel this sense of nothing. Wake up, go to work, come home, rinse and repeat. Nothing to really be excited about. No men, no new job, no new scenery. I want change. Something different. Something new.

Pray for me, please, because when I get like this I tend to do stupid (usually slutty) things.

life updates!

Ugh, I'm in a shitty mood and I'm up at 3:25am doing work and life stuff. Interviews are OVER! Well, God willing. I really don't want to go in for another one. I'm leaning towards leaving my current company, which is terrifying but exciting at the same time! I feel like good things may come of this and I'm really looking forward to the change. I just went in to the other internal interview and I didn't get a good vibe. It felt stodgy and boring and I didn't connect with the hiring manager at all. I think he was distracted and it just felt odd. So, no bueno on that.

My date got canceled =( His grandfather passed and he had to go away. I really hope I hear from him because he seems like a good time and I enjoyed chatting with him. I just hate how timing and dating never seem to work out for me. In the meantime, I've been chatting with a bunch of other men that I'm really not interested in AT ALL. Just little distractions.

I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired and I don't want to do any of the social obligations I've signed myself up for. I'm stressed out and breaking out because of it. I can't stay awake to save my life and take these epic naps and I just really don't want to deal with people (beyond my core group of friends that are low-key and low maintenance). I just want to chill out. Instead, I have a week full of annoying things - work offsite (which is weird when you want off the team), a work dinner down in MTV, and a fucking 9pm dinner at House of Prime Rib on Thursday that literally makes me want to shoot myself in the face. I am so looking forward to the little bit of travel I've got planned over the next two months. I'm craving the change of scenery and pace.

Okay, back to work and Real Housewives!

tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be a long fucking day. I'm already not looking forward to it.

1. I have interview number 1: three and a half hours in-person. What the hell could they possibly have to say to me in three and a half hours. I'm tired just thinking about it. Of course, it starts at 9am. Loverly.
2. I have interview number 2: just a 45 minute thing, but I'm still incredibly nervous. It's with the hiring manager so I have to get all of my questions together since this is who would manage me. God help me.
3. We may be launching our registration program tomorrow for our 20,000 person event. Part of me is hoping it doesn't happen because it's going to be a shitshow once it does.
4. I have a first date tomorrow. I'll call him the Piano Man because he plays keyboard in a band. He's the first guy in a long time to make me laugh. He sent me an erotic voicemail that is the best thing ever in life. It's not really erotic, it's more silly, BUT basically he's playing the piano and singing falsetto about going down on me. Most people would find this inappropriate - I instead find it hilarious and amazing. I've listened to it like 5 times now. Perfection.

Wish me luck!

xoxo

omg life!

Sorry I haven't been updating lately. Things here have been absolutely insane. Job interviewing is basically a full-time job, in addition to the craziness that is my regular full-time job. I'm still as conflicted as ever and I'm not really sure what to do. The best thing about this is that I have a lot of time to think and mull things over. I'm trying to decide what's important to me and what I want my next move to be. I meet with my "mentor" in t minus 30 min, and I'm really excited to get some type of guidance. I just don't know what it is that I want out of life, and while I know that there's no wrong decision, I don't want to have any regrets. I've committed myself to taking on a new role, but what kind of role do I want? Does my love for my company trump my love for event planning? Do I want to keep my foot in the corporate world or do I want to eventually become an entrepreneur? I hate how complicated life is sometimes. I miss the days where things were just laid out for you. It was so easy to excel in the good old days because you knew exactly what was expected of you. There was grade school, then middle school, then high school, and then college. Even leaving college didn't feel as crazy, because it was expected that you just get a job. Now that I have one, I don't know what to do. I really just want to feel fulfilled. Is that really all that difficult?

Sigh. Things.