vacation is over...

... in more ways than one. Tomorrow I head back to reality - back to SF, back to work, back to my life. I'm feeling strange and kind of melancholy tonight, which I guess is typical after 5 days of intense partying and fun. My introvert side is definitely acting up, because as much fun as this Hawaiian wedding week was, I am also ridiculously tired and ready to be back in my own space.

There are so many thoughts going through my head right now that I can't even pin them all down. The week was GREAT! We got to Maui on Thursday and hit the ground running, meeting up with friends and colleagues and just having a grand old time. I love Life Coach and her *husband* (so crazy to say that) because they have such great family and friends. Everyone is SO welcoming and you just feel the love and warmth of everyone around them. Every night there was a different event and it was so great to come together and meet everyone. Drinks at a swanky hotel bar on Thursday night, a pre-wedding BBQ on Friday, the actual wedding on Saturday, brunch on Sunday, and tonight a potluck BBQ. The food tonight was amazing - having two chefs as friends is definitely where it's at!

The wedding was perfection. It was on Sugarman Estates, which is this beautiful, ocean-front private venue. Hearing the waves and the water rushing by was magical and I had so much fun dancing up a storm, even in the crazy Maui heat. Last night, we were celebrating AM's birthday and we went karaoking. Let me just say that I have NEVER gone up on stage alone at karaoke until last night. I don't know if it was the alcohol, the fact that I love showing off in front of boys, or the aloha spirit infecting me, but I did two songs and killed them both. I even had a guy at the bar ask me to sing with him - he said I seemed like a performer! I had to inform him that I only rap, so I had to decline, but it was nice to be asked. God I miss theater and acting and performing sometimes. I know I don't have the time to do any of that, but being on stage reminded me of a life that could have been... c'est la vie =)

I think this trip was a big turning point for me for a lot of reasons. I am really ready to go back to SF and focus on me and all those things I've let get away from me. Dating and finding a true partner. Losing weight. Writing more. Giving my all to my job. Coming up with a plan for a real career. All of these things have been weighing on me and being here on vacation has stirred up some desires I forgot I had, opened doors to new ideas, and closed doors that really should have shut a long time ago. There are only a few more months left of 2014's Year of Fun and I want to make them count!

i've been waiting for this trip for like a year.

OMG, Hawaii tomorrow for Life Coach's wedding! Almost everyone is there already, which makes me insanely jealous. But this time tomorrow, I will be drunk on a fucking beach probably yelling and being inappropriate. Wish me luck in getting laid! Although, now that I'm having regular sex, I'm a lot less stressed out. Seriously... I should have been all about this regular sex thing years ago.

Speaking of that, I spent last night with The Activist. I love sleeping with him. It's so goddamn fun and he's so sweet and just perfect in bed. These hippie dudes are kind of great - they don't care about you being waxed within an inch of your life, they want to make you orgasm (always repeatedly), and they are so complimentary. I've totally gained weight over the past 6 months, but he makes me feel like the sexiest human being on the planet when we're together. I like it. I'm hoping it gives me the sexual confidence to do something I've been dying to do for the past two and a half years.

Life is pretty fucking sweet right now. I probably won't be posting too much over the next few days, so I'll catch you next week!

back to the start.

As I approach 29, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my job, my life, and what I want the next 10 years to look like. There's really only one thing I know for sure - I don't want to work for "the man" for the rest of my life. I need to find a way to make money for myself, for a business with my name on the door. Now, if only I knew what I wanted that particular business to be.

I've been poring over some old personality tests and thinking about what made me happy as a child, and it always comes back to the same two things - reading and writing. Those were the things I loved to do the most when I was growing up. I was super bookish and nerdy and refused to go anywhere without a book or two. I'm pretty sure my extended family thought I was nuts because I would never dance or play or talk to anyone at family gatherings. I just sat in the corner reading. I loved to write, too - there's something about language that is so fascinating to me. When I'm bored, I like to look at random signs around me and jumble up the words to spell out different things (yes, I'm fucking weird... I'm aware). I don't write nearly as much as I used to and not even at the level that I used to. I've somehow let that piece of me die, which is sad as I'm pretty sure that's where most of my creativity and joy lie. I want to commit to more reading and more writing. That's why I've been trying so hard to get myself a job on the communications team, because even if I'm writing corporate fluff pieces or answering Q&As from employees, at least I would doing some kind of writing and maybe that would fulfill me in some small way.

I've grown a little too complacent and way too comfortable in my current job. I love the salary, the perks, and the people I work with, but I'm slowly starting to see that it's not enough. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I know that I don't have it yet and I have to push forward for some kind of meaningful change. I've been putting a bunch of irons in the fire - signing up to take the Foreign Service Officers exam, looking into going to grad school, trying to improve my event manager job, and looking into other opportunities at my company. I'm just hoping if I throw enough shit at the wall, something will stick. Maybe the answer is that I stick with what I'm doing and where I'm doing it and I use that money and those perks to do something outside of work that makes me happy. I have no idea where this road is going to take me, but I know that something has got to give and change needs to be made. I can only hope I'm up to the challenge.

i like boys.

I get irrationally excited when The Activist texts me and wants to hang out. It's nice to be excited about someone, but in a measured sort of way. It's different from the way I've been with other guys and I feel like the nature of our relationship is different. Maybe I'm finally getting the friends with benefits situation I've always wanted. We like and respect each other, but we're also insanely attracted to each other - the chemistry is perfect. Yet, I don't want it to be some girlfriend/boyfriend thing and I don't think he does either. It feels oddly healthy and perfect for where I am right now. Now if only my damn period would cooperate and go away so we can have fun!

birthday weekend.

Ever since I turned 21, the weekend before (or immediately after) my birthday has been all about partying. I like to have people over to my apartment - or that one year where I had a party at a club in NYC - for music, alcohol, and general merriment. This year, I'm just not feeling it. I really want to spend this weekend relaxing, chilling out at home, and not micromanaging a party. Tomorrow, I plan on coming home and sleeping like a baby. Sounds like a hot Friday night to me! Saturday, I'm going to the As game for a JS' birthday and that night I may try to hang out with The Activist, but my period/extreme laziness may get in the way of that. On Sunday, Jammerz is visiting, so we will do brunch and then a dinner out! Sounds like a nice, relaxing weekend to me.

29 here I come!

trying to be more spontaneous.

Last night, I made spontaneous plans to see The Activist like 45 minutes before we hung out. I'm so proud of myself! Normally, I'm too much of a stick in the mud Virgo to do such things. We met up for pizza and beer (for him) and wine (for me) in our neighborhood. I know we're kind of doing the "casual" thing, but I like that he actually wants to speak to me before we hook up. We chatted about random subjects, our lives, and religion. I like that we talk about things you're not supposed to talk about when you first meet someone. Afterwards, we walked back to his place.

I know we're not compatible for a variety of reasons, but having sex with him is amazing. Like really fucking amazing. I spent the night there and then walked home this morning through the park. It was lovely. Yay!

attitude adjustment.

I've been in a bad mood for a really long time. Part of it is work - actually, most of it is work. Part of it is life, though. Life Coach says I'm running from something and that's why I've been taking so many vacations. She's probably right. She's usually right. I think that with all of my job unhappiness, I'm just tired of my life and I find any excuse I can to just check out. Hence the ridiculous amount of traveling that happened in 2014. Now, it's time for me to find happiness in the spot I'm currently in, instead of dreaming of something else. At least for a little bit.

We changed desks at work this week. Now, we're upstairs on a higher floor and my desk faces a window. Everything is new and I'm not going to lie, the difference environment just feels so much better. I think getting direct sunlight every day is making me feel better about my life. Baby steps. I'm trying to get more involved in life in SF - looking for cool events to attend, being more open and saying yes when people ask me to do things. I'm hoping that it improves my mood.

I'm also just trying to enjoy my job - the perks and the negatives. I'm embracing it all and trying to come up with a plan for how I can be a better event manager. I want to develop more of my creative skills, work on different kinds of events, and really stretch myself as far as my career. I think this year I allowed myself to get stagnant - hell, I needed to be stagnant - after the craziness of last year and the blood clot of this year. Now, I'm ready to get back into being healthier - mentally, physically, and emotionally. The rest of September is going to be a whirlwind of activity, but I'm ready to get my shit together. Game on.

trying to establish some sense of normalcy.

I am exhausted tired and there is so much about my life that is in shambles right now, but I'm holding out hope that Q4 is when I can get my shit together. There are so many things on my list that I want to tackle, but this month is going to be a bit insane. I have Hawaiian wedding, which I am SO excited about! I have my birthday, which I'm less excited about. I also have a whole bunch of career conversations to have in the upcoming weeks. There really is so much to do. When I'm done, though, I need to tackle the following:

• Cleaning my apartment. My bedroom and my closet are a shitshow. I need to fucking handle that. I'm a grown ass woman and I'm not trying to be on an episode of Hoarders, but I'm getting close.
• Getting fit. I miss working out. My body misses it. I need to get back to it before I gain even more weight than I already have.
• Getting on a normal sleep schedule. I think if I got more rest life would just be better in general.
• Dating for serious. I've been kind of just dicking around lately and I've decided that I want to get serious about dating and meeting someone who could be a life partner. I'm hoping that somehow putting this intent out into the universe will yield something positive. But then I'm also a cynical bitch who is like... well, maybe there really is no one for me. Womp womp. We'll see if the intent thing works.

Those are some things on my mind. Now back to me trying to get a shit ton of things done before 3am.

another epic weekend of vacation.

Super excited about tomorrow! I head out to San Diego with Vest for a couple of days of sunny, warm Southern California sunshine. All paid for because my job has some sick perks (that's a + in the staying in events column). I have to be awake in 5 hours, which is terrifying, but oh well! I'm going to spend all day tomorrow doing nothing but eating, drinking, and lying by a pool. I can sleep between cocktails.

Then I have the weekend to play bingo and dance with my lovelies when we get back on Saturday. Sunday, 7 hours of hair twisting await me. I'm excited to have long hair again. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it gives me way more self-esteem when my hair is long. Can't wait to take my fab hair to Hawaii for Life Coach's wedding. The month of September is just crazy busy! Also, it's my birthday in less than two weeks! Holla!

dating updates!

Well, my dating life is certainly picking up, I'm happy to say. It's been a fairly slow, odd year for dating. I slept with a boy on the Train Cruise (lulz) and then I had a threesome with a guy and a girl from OKCupid. Definitely not the normal par for the course. Lately, I've been keeping it a bit tamer. I've had two awesome dates and I'm happy that all seems to be going well.

I'm still seeing The Activist. We had our third date on Sunday and it was pretty awesome. I was extremely tired from Bachelorette Weekend and he was just getting off of work, but we decided to go grab drinks at a bar near our apartments. We talked about domestic violence and our families (no relation... two completely separate topics) and then he asked if I was weird about PDA because he couldn't remember. I told him I was a little shy, so I wouldn't initiate it, but okay. Which is a lie - PDA makes me so uncomfortable unless I'm blind drunk. He was basically like, "I'm sitting here next to you and I really just want to kiss you." I was expecting like one kiss, but he wanted to make out, which I was not okay with, so I made him stop and we kept talking. Finally, he was like "I can't sit here without touching you, so we have to leave and go back to my place." I asked him if he wanted to finish his drink and he said, "I don't even care about that anymore" hahaha. So we went back to his place and totally got it on. The sex was AMAZING. Earth-shatteringly amazing. He's so not selfish at all and just really affectionate and physical and I adored every moment of it. I had planned to go home but was having so much fun that I just decided to spend the night, which he was more than happy to have me do.

We did have a discussion and he's not looking for anything serious, and I am not looking for anything serious with him, so we're going to keep seeing each other but keep it casual. Which allows me to date other people, so I went on a date last night. I liked him. He's my usual - well, an engineer. He's Italian, though, so not my standard Jewish engineer. He talks more than I do. It's insane. I love it. I never meet anyone who talks more than I do. He asks questions, though, and loves traveling and food and is super smart. I like it.

We'll see how this all progresses!

job searching freaking sucks.

There is nothing like a failed job search to make you feel absolutely shitty about yourself. I've been getting rejected left and right and nothing is working out. I'm one of those people that believes that things work out for a reason, so maybe I just haven't found the right position yet. I'm trying to decide if I should be putting effort into making my current job better or if I should just keep looking for a new role. I honestly don't know what the best course of action is.

My job has it's perks and there are things about it that are absolutely amazing. I don't have to commute down to Mountain View (check plus!). I get to go to cool events and have access to a lot of connections - for example, the amazing getaway I have planned for next week in San Diego, free of charge. My manager is super lenient about working from home and taking vacation. All of this is pretty freaking sweet - I acknowledge that. I just don't feel fulfilled with what I'm doing on a day to day basis. I'm trying to figure out if it's just a bad year for me and the team or if there's something bigger at play. I mean, I had a fucking blood clot in January. I went for about 7 months without having a manager or any kind of direction, and I'm currently on a team of 7 other people and 6 of them are brand new to the company (including my new manager). It's been a rough year. I think I need to find a way to fall in love with my job again.

Contrary to popular believe amongst my friends, I really like to work. I like feeling useful and getting shit done and staying up til 2am answering emails or planning amazing experiences for our attendees. I love 20 hour days when you're up before the sun and then up late to shut down an event. Event planning is stressful and most of us in the industry thrive on that stress. I don't even like talking to my friends about work because it's hard to explain what we do and I feel like there's no respect for it at all. It's really hurtful when people you care about act like you don't do anything ever and belittle your job. But, that's another entry for another time. Point is - I used to LOVE this job and I enjoyed giving my all to it. Last year, I worked my ass off, producing a ton of events for one of the most visible brands in the world. I love the company I work for and whenever I'm physically at an event, I remember what is so amazing about them. Maybe that's it - maybe I just haven't done enough events this year? Admittedly, it's been a slow year as we've been ramping up all these new people - last year, I did 9 major events before September (including a conference for 12,000 people). This year, it's September and I've done ONE event. One. It's disgusting, quite frankly. Maybe I just need to throw myself into work again and get re-motivated. I also think the fact that two of my work besties are no longer on the team has certainly made it less appealing. I got really used to working with certain people, and I had this rhythm and now there are new people and that rhythm is gone.

I've always been one of those Jill of All Trades types. I like change and movement and gaining new skills. So moving to another department and having a different life appeals to my sense of change. This is the longest I've been on a single team, as well as the longest amount of time I've lived in one place continuously. Maybe I'm just bored. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know that I cannot live apathetically. I have to be immersed in whatever it is I'm doing to feel fulfilled. So maybe it's time to fucking dive in and if that doesn't work, at least I know I tried.

date #2

With my Hawaiian vacation and all of the random things that are floating in my brain, I realized that I never updated on status with The Activist. We had to move our date to tomorrow, but I'm happy because that gave me today to be crazy productive before LE's Bachelorette on Friday.  I think we're just going to hang out in his neighborhood - I've charged him with the planning of the date and me with the paying for it. Hopefully we'll go back to his place... To be honest, I really just want to get high (he has a medical marijuana card), talk about the universe, and have sex. Sounds like the perfect pre-vacay date. God, I really did go to Brown, didn't I?

Anyway, for date #2 we met at 10pm (this is what I get for dating 25 year olds) at the bar where The Cajun dumped me. I'm over Cajun, so I wanted to reclaim my love for that particular spot. He got there first, ordered me a drink and set up a tab, which was major brownie points. Boys who pay for dates = amazing. We found a quiet corner upstairs and just talked. I really like chatting with him. He's such a good listener and he remembers things and we talk about real shit. I like that it's not sugarcoated or the usual bullshit, but we talk about our beliefs and our dreams and what's wrong with the world. It was hard to be affectionate based on the seating arrangement, but when I get to talking, I don't even think about sex anymore.

After like 4 drinks, I had to call it a night. He offered to walk me home, so I let him. We got to my apartment and he asked me if he could kiss me again. I find it so cute that he asks me that every time. I told him yes and we started making out outside of my apartment. I hate PDA so I invited him upstairs. I didn't want to be awkward, so I just left the lights off when we sat in my den and we started hooking up. My period (and the fact that I'm a motherfucking lady this month) meant no sex. He was cool with it, though, and didn't mind doing other things. Love that hippie dudes are not afraid of blood in the slightest lol. So no sex, but lots of touching, making out, etc. I kicked him out around 1am. He left his watch at my place, so I figured that was a good sign that he wants to come back.

All in all, I like him and we have fun together. I don't know if it's major love potential, but he's so interesting and intriguing and I never say that about men. He's not my usual type in any way - Vest made a snarky comment about him being smaller than most of the guys I date - but I think that's a good thing. So on with more dates!

hawaii weekend.

Seriously, though. This vacation was exactly what I needed to clear my head and just calm the fuck down. The level of anxiety in my life lately has been too much to bear, so getting out of dodge was a nice break. I turned off my gChat for most of the weekend and ignored texts and emails. It was blissful. I started every morning off with a spiked iced espresso and then the mandatory 5 hours of sitting by the pool, drinking frozen coconut mojitos, tanning, and hopping into the pool when the heat got unbearable. Did some time at the beach. Had fancy dinners at Morimoto and Morton's Steakhouse. I'm so not ready to go back to reality tomorrow.

There are a few things I'm looking forward to, though. I have a tentative date with The Activist on Wednesday. I really hope it happens because I really want to sleep with him. It's Date #3 and I don't have my period #winning. Then there's LE's bachelorette in Palm Springs on Friday. I love that girl so much, and I'm so excited to spend time with all our work girlies and her friends and fam. Also the house we're staying at looks SO BALLER. I'm also supposed to talk to the director of internal communications about a job. I'm nervous about that, but hoping to really settle all these job anxieties one way or another.

So yeah... that's my life right now. Enjoying the lats 12 hours of freedom in Hawaii!