Lent!

I'm not a very religious person. I used to be, though, and I have a soft spot for it in my life. When I was younger, I went to Catholic school and we said the rosary every day after lunch and there was mass and religion was part of the regular school day. Outside of school, my family is Lutheran and I spent a lot of my youth forming a strong bond with religion and faith. I've read the Bible cover to cover, and church used to move me so much. At the lowest times in my youth, religion was a tremendous comfort to me. It got me to stop cutting myself and helped pull me out of the adolescent funk that settled on me during middle school. In the years that followed, though, I kind of stopped believing. I still believe in God, but I don't know if I can call myself a Christian anymore. Anyway, this is all background to explain why I'm giving up things for Lent this year. When I was a kid, we used to do it at school and I would always cheat. I remember one year I gave up soda, which basically meant I didn't drink it at home or school, but would guzzle it when I got to my grandmother's house because she really didn't care what I did when I stayed with her after school. I want to do better in 2014.

This year, I decided to give up three things - pizza, pasta, and wine. So I guess I'm not going to any Italian restaurants anytime soon! Basically, these three things are a huge source of unhealthiness for me. They're like my Achilles heels when it comes to eating/drinking. So far, pizza and pasta are okay - no cravings. I still get to eat Mexican food, so it's all good. Wine, though, is the hard part. I mean, I actually want to give up ALL alcohol for Lent and that's my real goal, but I figure if I cut down on wine, that will be enough for me to feel accomplished.

I don't publicize this to most people, except maybe Vest, who knows all my inner turmoil and fear, but I am deathly afraid of becoming an alcoholic. Actually, I'm deathly afraid I already am one. I've had a close childhood friend question my drinking habits, and while I think it's bullshit, I will agree I could probably stand to cut back on drinking. My uncle died of alcoholism and it was not pretty. I remember seeing him before he died and even I knew that I wasn't doing a good job of hiding the absolute terror and horror I felt watching someone waste away in front of my eyes. I could see him reacting to my fear and it was heartbreaking. That was 11 years ago and I can still see it so damn vividly. I don't want that. While I don't think I'm near that, I think taking a break from the sauce is a good thing, even if just for 40 days. A piece of me wants to just see if I can do it. Since getting sick, I've kind of been doing whatever the fuck I want. Not exercising, eating whatever, going out and partying when I want, not being responsible. There is nothing like almost dying to make you want to fucking live and not do any of this pansy ass 2014 bullshit like eat organic food and live at the gym. However, I think that period has passed and I'm ready to really rehabilitate myself.

Another reason I want to do this is because some people think I can't. I hate when people tell me I can't do something. Fuck that. Maybe I can't, but that doesn't mean you have to be negative about it. I'm a stubborn motherfucker, so I enjoy doing things people think I can't do. I picked a good time to do this - I only have one event and it's a low-key one. The only major holiday is St. Patty's Day and I'm not even about that life anyway, so I will most likely be locked inside my apartment that night. Truth be told, I don't even feel like drinking - I'm really tired. This is a rough period in my recovery and drinking just makes it worse, so I'm going to gracefully bow out of this until April 20th, where I will most likely drink like a fish. Maybe I'll even have a party =)