I still cannot believe that I am honoring my 'no alcohol for Lent' pledge. I really did not think I would make it this far - 12 days without a sip of alcohol. I honestly haven't gone this long without alcohol since graduating college. I am insanely proud of myself because this is something I wanted to do for me. For my health and my sanity. I have an addictive personality and it has caused me tremendous trouble over the years. When I like something, I *really* like it and I'll overindulge in it until it makes me sick. Ask me about the great Entenmanns doughnut fiasco of 2000. Part of the reason I'm so picky about food is that I've OD'd on certain things and just cannot eat them anymore. Even my cutting was kind of an addictive thing. It was like once I started hurting myself, I couldn't stop. I got addicted to the pain and to the sight of the blood and it was something I just couldn't stop doing without taking a cold turkey approach to it. I don't live in the world of moderation. I would like to, but it's extremely difficult for me to do. I'm either 100 or I'm 0. I'd like to get to that place where I can be at a 50, but I'm just not there yet.
I get scared about a lot of things. I'm a giant 'fraidy cat most of the time, but the biggest thing that scares me is myself - mostly my capacity for self-harm, whether it's through alcohol, food, drugs, or (my weapon of choice) twin blade razors. I enjoy damaging myself and I find ways to do it frequently. It's like a little cycle I go through - what damaging behavior do I want to engage in next. Thank goodness I never developed a taste for drugs because that would've been a shitshow. Anyway, now that I'm legitimately sick, I'm trying to do the opposite and rebuild and repair myself. I want to be healthy and whole again, because I just feel so irreparably broken. I don't know if I can even describe to you what it feels like to recover from blood clots. It's terrible and tiring and a mental struggle. I need to be on my A game and I can't do that if I'm self-medicating with whatever habit I've decided to laser in on for the moment.
The most shocking thing about this no alcohol thing is how blissfully okay with it I am. I actually think other people seem more taken aback by my sobriety than I am. I haven't really felt a strong pull to drink when I'm out. I've thought about it while I'm at home, when I'm just chilling alone in the den or eating a nice meal, but I've been able to be social without alcohol and it's been just fine. I sat with my work girls at Park Chalet for 6 hours while they went through 3 bottles of wine and I sipped on some lemonade. I even survived brunch this morning without wanting to drink. I'm still not sure how long this will last - I'm taking it one day at a time - but I'm just grateful and proud that I've had the strength to make it this far, that I'm giving my body the break it needs. Every so often, I have to stop and calm myself and do what is best for me and right now this feels like what I need to be doing.
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