i know that life is a cycle of constant evolution...

... but damnit, sometimes I just want to be finished evolving. When do I get to be finished? I know the answer is 'never,' but that doesn't make the idea of it any less fulfilling. I'm in this weird phase of my life right now. It feels like a crossroads period between who I was and who I will be. It's tiring. I'm also just generally exhausted - partially from life, but also from blood clots, which are terrible. Never have a blood clot. Just trust me on this one. I feel like this illness has turned me into a different person. It has kind of zapped my will to live. I mean, maybe that's a bit extreme. I don't want death. I just want to live an existence where all I do is like watch TV and sleep. I can feel myself turning into a giant sloth monster and it is no bueno. This was supposed to be Year of Fun, but I think we all know what happens when you make plans. Instead, I'm struggling to breathe (and I mean that literally) and I'm trying to get my shit together.

I've been thinking a lot about change. Something in me is very restless. I think about moving all the time. I think about doing something totally and completely crazy... like packing up shop and just moving to London. Or Tahoe. Or Southern California. Change is always good for me. I have several visions swirling in my head. The first is a direct result of this event I'm at now in Santa Barbara. I just imagine myself living near the beach, seeing sunshine every single day and living in paradise. The New Yorker in me rebels against it because I think deep down inside I don't believe in a life that's not lived somewhat cynically. Another vision is living in Napa, working in a vineyard and doing nothing but drinking wine all day. Then I wonder if I should keep my location, but change my lifestyle. Or maybe keep my corporate job and change the location. ARG. So many options and I don't really know what to do about them. Wheels keep spinning in my head, but I don't know how to make a move.

It's hard for me to live without a goal in sight. I'm great at goals. I wanted to get a job. Got a job. I wanted to move to New York. I did. I wanted to move back to CA. I did. I wanted to switch jobs. I did. I wanted a promotion. I got it. Right now, though, I have no goal and I'm not really sure how to handle that. Saturn Return is a bitch.