i don't really have anything i want to share with the group today.

And I'm okay with that.

#hermitmode

the time has come to set aside childish things.

We're coming up to the end of Q1 and all I can think about is the fact that I am ready for change in my life. I'm ready to seek it out, to grab it, to embrace it wholeheartedly. I'm learning to discern what things about my life need to change and which areas I'm okay with. I've never been afraid of doing things differently or fighting for what I want, but lately I've gotten a bit lazy and I want to get over that. I've been struggling a lot this year - with my body, my mind, and my spirit. I think it's good. I think it's leading me somewhere that I need to go. I'm not sure if this is going to be the easiest year. I mean, between blood clots and the stagnation of my job, it's already kind of crappy. I have faith, though, that things are going to be better because I'm going to make them better. I'm going to do what I have to do to get where I need to be, which is always my way.

I'm reexamining everything in my life. My job, my friendships, my routines, my vices, and my virtues. Some things will have to go and others will be allowed to stay, but I've decided that I have to set boundaries. I've lost sight of that in the past couple of years and while I enjoy being open and honest and free, it isn't always in my best interest to tell everyone everything or to be myself in all situations. Sometimes being guarded isn't a bad thing - it's self-preservation. I used to be a person who understood that, but I lost sight of it. Recent events have reminded me of that fact recently and I think I'm ready to learn that lesson.

ritual.

I've been reflecting on my life recently - thinking about what is missing and what there is too much of. Giving up alcohol for two weeks was amazing. I definitely want to stop drinking as much. I want to actually take a look at when I decide to drink and whether it's really necessary. I don't think I need to be 100% sober all of the time, but I think I should just be more critical about my drinking. I used to think that I should drink when I'm out of the house and never drink alone at home, but I'm starting to rethink that. I should have a drink when I feel like it and I should refrain from drinking when I don't feel like it. Those things aren't necessarily contingent on being social. Also, I sleep so much better and feel less sluggish without the alcohol, so just focusing on that should help me decrease my intake.

Beyond that, I need some order to my life. I think that when I started working in events, I gained a lot of excitement and spontaneity in my career, but also gained a lot of stress and lost my sense of order. I stopped working down the peninsula and instead I work in SF, where I can come and go as I please and I take Uber or public transportation to work. I travel at random intervals and I never really know what my workload will be like because events sometimes just spring up. While I enjoy it immensely, I learned in college that order and routine are good for me (I'm a Virgo... in so many ways). I need to start getting on some kind of schedule. It doesn't have to be rigid, but it does need to exist. I think it will just help me be more productive and happy.

One of the things I miss the most were my See No One Sundays. I used to reserve Sunday as a day strictly for me, back when I lived in SF in 2007-2008. It was nice. I usually just took the N down to the Starbucks by AT&T Park and read and wrote for hours. I'd do a little walking if it was nice outside, but really it was just good to clear my head and be free of social obligation to just recharge. It felt like a nice way to end the weekend and get my week started. While I know it's highly unlikely that I can do that every Sunday, I think I want to start reinstating that day at least once a month. So tomorrow, I'm going full hermit mode. Do not disturb.

basic life updates.

Howdy! I am trying to get better about blogging here, but to be honest, life has been pretty simple lately. I kept my no alcohol promise for  two weeks, which was amazing! Last night, though, I decided I wanted to drink so I had some cocktails with the work peeps and then went out to dinner and had some more margaritas. I got gloriously drunk really quickly, which is something I'm not all that used to I think I'm still going to try to keep up some kind of alcohol cleanse - I might do another two week stint and then break it, but I'm happy that I was able to go that long! In other news:

• I hate my job and my team right now. Shit is just hitting the fan and it's insane. I don't even know what more to say about it beyond the fact that work is making me MIZ and I can barely stand to go into the office each day. It's a struggle.
• I've been working with a life coach and it's been fabulous. It gives me something to think about besides work. Right now, we're really working on me getting a wedding planning business off the ground and also reinvigorating my interest in sex education and sex coaching. It feels good to work on something real.
• In the same vein of self-improvements, I'm working on setting more boundaries and being more comfortable saying no to people. I'm tired of the relentless people pleasing that I do on a daily basis. I really don't give a shit anymore.
• I bought a new vibrator! Super excited! Vest and I went shopping at Good Vibes over the weekend and I got a Hitachi Magic Wand. I'm normally not a vibrator person - I always have one, but they're not really my jam and I use them fairly sparingly - but I'm excited to try out something new! Yay!

That's pretty much all, folks! Happy tomorrow starts the weekend!

the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

I still cannot believe that I am honoring my 'no alcohol for Lent' pledge. I really did not think I would make it this far - 12 days without a sip of alcohol. I honestly haven't gone this long without alcohol since graduating college. I am insanely proud of myself because this is something I wanted to do for me. For my health and my sanity. I have an addictive personality and it has caused me tremendous trouble over the years. When I like something, I *really* like it and I'll overindulge in it until it makes me sick. Ask me about the great Entenmanns doughnut fiasco of 2000. Part of the reason I'm so picky about food is that I've OD'd on certain things and just cannot eat them anymore. Even my cutting was kind of an addictive thing. It was like once I started hurting myself, I couldn't stop. I got addicted to the pain and to the sight of the blood and it was something I just couldn't stop doing without taking a cold turkey approach to it. I don't live in the world of moderation. I would like to, but it's extremely difficult for me to do. I'm either 100 or I'm 0. I'd like to get to that place where I can be at a 50, but I'm just not there yet.

I get scared about a lot of things. I'm a giant 'fraidy cat most of the time, but the biggest thing that scares me is myself - mostly my capacity for self-harm, whether it's through alcohol, food, drugs, or (my weapon of choice) twin blade razors. I enjoy damaging myself and I find ways to do it frequently. It's like a little cycle I go through - what damaging behavior do I want to engage in next. Thank goodness I never developed a taste for drugs because that would've been a shitshow. Anyway, now that I'm legitimately sick, I'm trying to do the opposite and rebuild and repair myself. I want to be healthy and whole again, because I just feel so irreparably broken. I don't know if I can even describe to you what it feels like to recover from blood clots. It's terrible and tiring and a mental struggle. I need to be on my A game and I can't do that if I'm self-medicating with whatever habit I've decided to laser in on for the moment.

The most shocking thing about this no alcohol thing is how blissfully okay with it I am. I actually think other people seem more taken aback by my sobriety than I am. I haven't really felt a strong pull to drink when I'm out. I've thought about it while I'm at home, when I'm just chilling alone in the den or eating a nice meal, but I've been able to be social without alcohol and it's been just fine. I sat with my work girls at Park Chalet for 6 hours while they went through 3 bottles of wine and I sipped on some lemonade. I even survived brunch this morning without wanting to drink. I'm still not sure how long this will last - I'm taking it one day at a time - but I'm just grateful and proud that I've had the strength to make it this far, that I'm giving my body the break it needs. Every so often, I have to stop and calm myself and do what is best for me and right now this feels like what I need to be doing.

i know that life is a cycle of constant evolution...

... but damnit, sometimes I just want to be finished evolving. When do I get to be finished? I know the answer is 'never,' but that doesn't make the idea of it any less fulfilling. I'm in this weird phase of my life right now. It feels like a crossroads period between who I was and who I will be. It's tiring. I'm also just generally exhausted - partially from life, but also from blood clots, which are terrible. Never have a blood clot. Just trust me on this one. I feel like this illness has turned me into a different person. It has kind of zapped my will to live. I mean, maybe that's a bit extreme. I don't want death. I just want to live an existence where all I do is like watch TV and sleep. I can feel myself turning into a giant sloth monster and it is no bueno. This was supposed to be Year of Fun, but I think we all know what happens when you make plans. Instead, I'm struggling to breathe (and I mean that literally) and I'm trying to get my shit together.

I've been thinking a lot about change. Something in me is very restless. I think about moving all the time. I think about doing something totally and completely crazy... like packing up shop and just moving to London. Or Tahoe. Or Southern California. Change is always good for me. I have several visions swirling in my head. The first is a direct result of this event I'm at now in Santa Barbara. I just imagine myself living near the beach, seeing sunshine every single day and living in paradise. The New Yorker in me rebels against it because I think deep down inside I don't believe in a life that's not lived somewhat cynically. Another vision is living in Napa, working in a vineyard and doing nothing but drinking wine all day. Then I wonder if I should keep my location, but change my lifestyle. Or maybe keep my corporate job and change the location. ARG. So many options and I don't really know what to do about them. Wheels keep spinning in my head, but I don't know how to make a move.

It's hard for me to live without a goal in sight. I'm great at goals. I wanted to get a job. Got a job. I wanted to move to New York. I did. I wanted to move back to CA. I did. I wanted to switch jobs. I did. I wanted a promotion. I got it. Right now, though, I have no goal and I'm not really sure how to handle that. Saturn Return is a bitch.

Lent!

I'm not a very religious person. I used to be, though, and I have a soft spot for it in my life. When I was younger, I went to Catholic school and we said the rosary every day after lunch and there was mass and religion was part of the regular school day. Outside of school, my family is Lutheran and I spent a lot of my youth forming a strong bond with religion and faith. I've read the Bible cover to cover, and church used to move me so much. At the lowest times in my youth, religion was a tremendous comfort to me. It got me to stop cutting myself and helped pull me out of the adolescent funk that settled on me during middle school. In the years that followed, though, I kind of stopped believing. I still believe in God, but I don't know if I can call myself a Christian anymore. Anyway, this is all background to explain why I'm giving up things for Lent this year. When I was a kid, we used to do it at school and I would always cheat. I remember one year I gave up soda, which basically meant I didn't drink it at home or school, but would guzzle it when I got to my grandmother's house because she really didn't care what I did when I stayed with her after school. I want to do better in 2014.

This year, I decided to give up three things - pizza, pasta, and wine. So I guess I'm not going to any Italian restaurants anytime soon! Basically, these three things are a huge source of unhealthiness for me. They're like my Achilles heels when it comes to eating/drinking. So far, pizza and pasta are okay - no cravings. I still get to eat Mexican food, so it's all good. Wine, though, is the hard part. I mean, I actually want to give up ALL alcohol for Lent and that's my real goal, but I figure if I cut down on wine, that will be enough for me to feel accomplished.

I don't publicize this to most people, except maybe Vest, who knows all my inner turmoil and fear, but I am deathly afraid of becoming an alcoholic. Actually, I'm deathly afraid I already am one. I've had a close childhood friend question my drinking habits, and while I think it's bullshit, I will agree I could probably stand to cut back on drinking. My uncle died of alcoholism and it was not pretty. I remember seeing him before he died and even I knew that I wasn't doing a good job of hiding the absolute terror and horror I felt watching someone waste away in front of my eyes. I could see him reacting to my fear and it was heartbreaking. That was 11 years ago and I can still see it so damn vividly. I don't want that. While I don't think I'm near that, I think taking a break from the sauce is a good thing, even if just for 40 days. A piece of me wants to just see if I can do it. Since getting sick, I've kind of been doing whatever the fuck I want. Not exercising, eating whatever, going out and partying when I want, not being responsible. There is nothing like almost dying to make you want to fucking live and not do any of this pansy ass 2014 bullshit like eat organic food and live at the gym. However, I think that period has passed and I'm ready to really rehabilitate myself.

Another reason I want to do this is because some people think I can't. I hate when people tell me I can't do something. Fuck that. Maybe I can't, but that doesn't mean you have to be negative about it. I'm a stubborn motherfucker, so I enjoy doing things people think I can't do. I picked a good time to do this - I only have one event and it's a low-key one. The only major holiday is St. Patty's Day and I'm not even about that life anyway, so I will most likely be locked inside my apartment that night. Truth be told, I don't even feel like drinking - I'm really tired. This is a rough period in my recovery and drinking just makes it worse, so I'm going to gracefully bow out of this until April 20th, where I will most likely drink like a fish. Maybe I'll even have a party =)