Friday, February 28, 2014
jesus, this year.
So far, Year of Fun has been #YearOfIllness. Which is fine... shit happens and all, but I'm really looking forward to being a normal human being again. Had a long talk with one of my girls at work and we are both sick of the status quo. I'm trying to figure out why my body is rebelling against me and what it's trying to tell me. Obviously change is needed, but it's hard to change when all you want to do is curl in the fetal position and sleep. All of this coughing I've been doing is so not the business. I wish I could just take a week off and do nothing but straighten my apartment, eat healthy, and sleep for like 10 hours a night, but I have events so that's not going to happen. I'm just really ready to feel whole again. I'm not used to feeling limited - it sucks. I can't drink the way I used to, I can't hang out the way I used to - everything is different and it's painful. Sigh. Here's hoping March is better than February!
Sunday, February 23, 2014
the struggle is real.
I hate being sick. I am the worst sick person in the history of sick people. I can't bring myself to get out of bed, I stop showering for long periods of time, and I get so lazy that I refuse to eat for days. It's really not okay. Don't worry, though - I showered both yesterday and today, so I am actually somewhat clean =) I think my body is telling me that I need to slow the fuck down. Going from the cruise, which was a massive exercise in poor decisions (both with alcohol and with men), straight to an offsite for work was a bad idea. I immediately felt feverish in Santa Barbara and the flight back was agony. I took Thursday and Friday to work at home and I've basically been a recluse ever since. I also feel this strange melancholy where I pretty much can't deal with socialization. So I've said no to a bunch of outings because I just can't handle the social pressure, especially when my body feels like crap.
Tomorrow, I leave for a day trip to Vegas, which is exactly the wrong thing for my body, but I need to do it for work. I have been slacking hardcore at my job lately and I need to figure out a way to push through this. I think a lot of it is my whole blood clot thing and then being sick on top of it, but I need to figure out how I'm going to make this shit happen because I can't continue to be this unmotivated or there will be consequences. I don't know if I'm burned out from 2013 or what, but I need to step my shit up. I'm not usually like this.
One thing I have been doing is watching epic amounts of television - True Detective, House of Cards, Breaking Bad. ALL SO GOOD. Being sick is good for something at least. I also finished the last Divergent book! Anyway, I have a lot of work to get done, so time to get onto that. Hoping to get at least 4 hours of sleep tonight, if possible!
Tomorrow, I leave for a day trip to Vegas, which is exactly the wrong thing for my body, but I need to do it for work. I have been slacking hardcore at my job lately and I need to figure out a way to push through this. I think a lot of it is my whole blood clot thing and then being sick on top of it, but I need to figure out how I'm going to make this shit happen because I can't continue to be this unmotivated or there will be consequences. I don't know if I'm burned out from 2013 or what, but I need to step my shit up. I'm not usually like this.
One thing I have been doing is watching epic amounts of television - True Detective, House of Cards, Breaking Bad. ALL SO GOOD. Being sick is good for something at least. I also finished the last Divergent book! Anyway, I have a lot of work to get done, so time to get onto that. Hoping to get at least 4 hours of sleep tonight, if possible!
Thursday, February 20, 2014
because i just can't help myself...
I'm back from the Train Cruise! Good Lord... it was quite a trip (warning: this is long). We flew to Miami last Thursday, had dinner at the hotel, and then turned in early to get a good night's sleep. Friday was brunch and boarding the ship. First of all, it was HUGE. I forgot how big cruise ships are - I think this one had like 2500 people on it. The crowd was different than I thought. I knew everyone was going to be white, but I really thought it would be people in their 30s. Instead, it was a lot of middle-aged folks and there were children, too. I saw about 5-8 black people (including myself) and like a handful of Asians, but yeah - the Train fan base is mostly white. The first night was a shitshow - I got SO FUCKING DRUNK. I don't know how it happened or if it was a combination of seasickness or what, but I do not remember dinner. We were sitting at the table with two famous chefs and then they left and all I remember is me and D being like, "We're going to leave and go puke!" and then heading back to the room. I promptly vomited everything into the toilet, while D threw up over the balcony. Then, LC and her fiance came in and piled on top of me while I was passed out. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are so freaking classy.
Day 2 was one of the worst hangovers ever. Because you're on a damn boat and you can see the waves moving and feel it and you just want to die. I wasn't a human being for the whole day. We laid out a bit upstairs, but I couldn't drink anything and looking at the water made me ill. So... we went back to dinner and hung out with the chefs, which is where I met Tatted Chef. We're basically sitting in our little group of four when he and some of the other celebrity chef dudes come over. He basically shoves me over to sit next to me and I'm like OMG RUDE. I basically ignore him because he's not my type. Life Coach's fiance had mentioned that he was super into black girls and just broke up with his Kenyan girlfriend of 3 years. I was like whatever - I'm not here to mack on dudes.
He ends up leaving and then he comes back and asks if he could sit next to me. So the chefs are chatting and then he turns to me and introduces himself. I'm still like - meh - because he literally has two full sleeves of tatts, along with tatts on his hands and knuckles. Every so often, he breaks off from the chef convo to talk to me. Then LC's fiance goes, "So how many of these Filipina cruise ship girls are you going to screw this week?" Again, so much class. So Tatted Chef looks at me and is like "I'm sorry, darling, I don't mean to be weird, but I exclusively date African or African-American women." I laugh because I'm uncomfortable and nervous. Basically, for the rest of the night, he is all up in my grill. He gave me a rose (which I threw away) and he keeps iterating his love for black girls. I mean, he was looking at me like I was a pool of water and he'd been in the desert for 10 years. It was... special. I felt like I was being really rude and not playful or flirty because I felt like shit and because I am the kind of girl who is not comfortable with a lot of male attention. Makes me nervous. I'm not used to men pursuing me like that. Anyhow, LC gets sick and the chefs are all talking about boring chef stuff and sponsorships, so the girls leave to go back to the room and call it a night. Tatted Chef gives me a hug and I scramble away uncomfortably.
Day 3 - I feel much better, so much more human and acclimated to the boat. We went on land to the Cayman Islands and had a beautiful day with the four of us in the sun. Glorious. We come back and decide that we're going to hang out at the casino bar after dinner. I'm sitting there and Tatted Chef comes up to my left and I'm like - Okay, Miss... let's play nice and not be a see you next Tuesday. So I engage him and ask how he's doing. He's still in the trying to impress me mode - telling me about the rappers he knows in Chicago and his love of hip hop clubs. Then, he whips out all his money and it's like 50s and 100s and he counts it and puts it in his wallet. I'm like - omg, really?! Then, I tell him I don't like gambling because it makes me nervous, and so he puts $50 into the machine and is like, "Let's see how lucky you are." I watch him and do all the flirty shit and finally convince him to stop once he's $100 up. I reiterate that I hate gambling my own money, and he's like, "Sweetie - you can gamble all of my money. I don't care if you lose it, I'll just make some more." Cue eye roll. We talk a bit and he makes some little innuendos. I tell him I can't wait to go home and call my mom and tell her about the ridiculousness of this cruise. He is like "Yeah, you can tell her how you met this amazing guy and had the best sex ever." I kind of ignored the comment. More about how I have vices, but not gambling, and him speculating on what I would or wouldn't do. The typical sexy flirting shit.
My friends decide to bounce and he asks me if I'm going to leave with them. Moment of truth - I tell him I can stay out a bit and I send my friends back to the room. He sits down next to me and we actually get to talk. He seems interesting. I don't know where his black girl fetish came from, but he hasn't been with a white woman in 10 years and he just says he thinks black women are beautiful. I didn't feel like doing a racial feminist analysis of it. He tells me about his brother who died and explains his tattoos to me and we chat. He orders another drink and is like, "After this, I'm going to go back to my room. Do you want to come and relax with me?" I say yes and we head back and sit on his bed and I mock him for not having a balcony. Of course, I'm a chatterbox, so eventually he has to kiss me to shut me up. He turns off the lights and we start getting into it. He has even more tatts under his shirt - on his chest and two on his back, one of which is a naked lady with the words Peep Show on it haha. The sex was pretty good - I like older men (he's 37) because they just know what to do. I also love when men go down on you (especially before you do anything to them) without you having to ask. So after we screw, he gets this major case of the hiccups and I'm like - umm, should I sit here and listen to hiccups or should I leave? Is this him trying to kick me out? When we finished, he said "Round 1" so I'm assuming there are more rounds, but it's already 3am and my friends don't know where I am. So I decide to start getting dressed and try to sneak out, but I can find my bra, so I nudge him and tell him I have to go. He tries to get me to stay, but I know that LC will freak if I'm not in the room and we have to be up at 8 the next morning. We kiss a bunch and he's like - we still have one more day. Let's do this again tomorrow.
Cue next day and the awkwardness. My friends obvi know I was out late. All the chefs definitely have been talking about it because I get shit-eating grins from them (and the chef handler). We see them all at dinner, but Tatted Chef doesn't come over - his boss does, though, and he's talking about their plans for the night and they're joking about how Tatted Chef likes chocolate milkshakes. Jesus, I wanted to die. Long story short - they invited us out, but my friends were tired and I didn't want to be that girl chasing dick around, so I stuck with our crew. So it was a one-night stand kind of deal. I'm definitely happy I got laid (it's been since October), and it goes to show that you cannot tell a book by its cover. Who thought a biker, neo Nazi looking dude would be so into black girls? Now it's back to SF and my dating drought...
Day 2 was one of the worst hangovers ever. Because you're on a damn boat and you can see the waves moving and feel it and you just want to die. I wasn't a human being for the whole day. We laid out a bit upstairs, but I couldn't drink anything and looking at the water made me ill. So... we went back to dinner and hung out with the chefs, which is where I met Tatted Chef. We're basically sitting in our little group of four when he and some of the other celebrity chef dudes come over. He basically shoves me over to sit next to me and I'm like OMG RUDE. I basically ignore him because he's not my type. Life Coach's fiance had mentioned that he was super into black girls and just broke up with his Kenyan girlfriend of 3 years. I was like whatever - I'm not here to mack on dudes.
He ends up leaving and then he comes back and asks if he could sit next to me. So the chefs are chatting and then he turns to me and introduces himself. I'm still like - meh - because he literally has two full sleeves of tatts, along with tatts on his hands and knuckles. Every so often, he breaks off from the chef convo to talk to me. Then LC's fiance goes, "So how many of these Filipina cruise ship girls are you going to screw this week?" Again, so much class. So Tatted Chef looks at me and is like "I'm sorry, darling, I don't mean to be weird, but I exclusively date African or African-American women." I laugh because I'm uncomfortable and nervous. Basically, for the rest of the night, he is all up in my grill. He gave me a rose (which I threw away) and he keeps iterating his love for black girls. I mean, he was looking at me like I was a pool of water and he'd been in the desert for 10 years. It was... special. I felt like I was being really rude and not playful or flirty because I felt like shit and because I am the kind of girl who is not comfortable with a lot of male attention. Makes me nervous. I'm not used to men pursuing me like that. Anyhow, LC gets sick and the chefs are all talking about boring chef stuff and sponsorships, so the girls leave to go back to the room and call it a night. Tatted Chef gives me a hug and I scramble away uncomfortably.
Day 3 - I feel much better, so much more human and acclimated to the boat. We went on land to the Cayman Islands and had a beautiful day with the four of us in the sun. Glorious. We come back and decide that we're going to hang out at the casino bar after dinner. I'm sitting there and Tatted Chef comes up to my left and I'm like - Okay, Miss... let's play nice and not be a see you next Tuesday. So I engage him and ask how he's doing. He's still in the trying to impress me mode - telling me about the rappers he knows in Chicago and his love of hip hop clubs. Then, he whips out all his money and it's like 50s and 100s and he counts it and puts it in his wallet. I'm like - omg, really?! Then, I tell him I don't like gambling because it makes me nervous, and so he puts $50 into the machine and is like, "Let's see how lucky you are." I watch him and do all the flirty shit and finally convince him to stop once he's $100 up. I reiterate that I hate gambling my own money, and he's like, "Sweetie - you can gamble all of my money. I don't care if you lose it, I'll just make some more." Cue eye roll. We talk a bit and he makes some little innuendos. I tell him I can't wait to go home and call my mom and tell her about the ridiculousness of this cruise. He is like "Yeah, you can tell her how you met this amazing guy and had the best sex ever." I kind of ignored the comment. More about how I have vices, but not gambling, and him speculating on what I would or wouldn't do. The typical sexy flirting shit.
My friends decide to bounce and he asks me if I'm going to leave with them. Moment of truth - I tell him I can stay out a bit and I send my friends back to the room. He sits down next to me and we actually get to talk. He seems interesting. I don't know where his black girl fetish came from, but he hasn't been with a white woman in 10 years and he just says he thinks black women are beautiful. I didn't feel like doing a racial feminist analysis of it. He tells me about his brother who died and explains his tattoos to me and we chat. He orders another drink and is like, "After this, I'm going to go back to my room. Do you want to come and relax with me?" I say yes and we head back and sit on his bed and I mock him for not having a balcony. Of course, I'm a chatterbox, so eventually he has to kiss me to shut me up. He turns off the lights and we start getting into it. He has even more tatts under his shirt - on his chest and two on his back, one of which is a naked lady with the words Peep Show on it haha. The sex was pretty good - I like older men (he's 37) because they just know what to do. I also love when men go down on you (especially before you do anything to them) without you having to ask. So after we screw, he gets this major case of the hiccups and I'm like - umm, should I sit here and listen to hiccups or should I leave? Is this him trying to kick me out? When we finished, he said "Round 1" so I'm assuming there are more rounds, but it's already 3am and my friends don't know where I am. So I decide to start getting dressed and try to sneak out, but I can find my bra, so I nudge him and tell him I have to go. He tries to get me to stay, but I know that LC will freak if I'm not in the room and we have to be up at 8 the next morning. We kiss a bunch and he's like - we still have one more day. Let's do this again tomorrow.
Cue next day and the awkwardness. My friends obvi know I was out late. All the chefs definitely have been talking about it because I get shit-eating grins from them (and the chef handler). We see them all at dinner, but Tatted Chef doesn't come over - his boss does, though, and he's talking about their plans for the night and they're joking about how Tatted Chef likes chocolate milkshakes. Jesus, I wanted to die. Long story short - they invited us out, but my friends were tired and I didn't want to be that girl chasing dick around, so I stuck with our crew. So it was a one-night stand kind of deal. I'm definitely happy I got laid (it's been since October), and it goes to show that you cannot tell a book by its cover. Who thought a biker, neo Nazi looking dude would be so into black girls? Now it's back to SF and my dating drought...
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
zomg vacation!!!
Thank the Lord! Tomorrow, I leave for Miami to go on a cruise vacay with some of my favorite people. I am beyond excited to get the fuck out of San Francisco and into the sun. It is going to be a shitshow - I know it. We're going on the Sail Across the Sun Cruise, hosted by Train. Yes, the band. I'm laughing just typing that, but it was so nice of Life Coach and her fiance to invite me, so I'm happy to go and hang out with a bunch of crazy white people for the next 5 days and 4 nights. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to be drunk 24/7. I'm hoping there are some hotties on the boat, since my situation in SF has become pretty dire, but beggars can't be choosers, so I'm not expecting anything.
I really just want to decompress and relax. Work has been one hell of a roller coaster lately. I have more responsibility (which I love), but a ton of ambiguity (which I hate). I just want our team to be staffed already so we can start really doing shit. That said, I want to forget about work for the time that I'm there. I want to tan like crazy, read a lot of books, and drink copious amounts of alcohol with strangers. I will also most likely see more concerts on that boat than I have in my life, so there's that.
Let the games begin!
I really just want to decompress and relax. Work has been one hell of a roller coaster lately. I have more responsibility (which I love), but a ton of ambiguity (which I hate). I just want our team to be staffed already so we can start really doing shit. That said, I want to forget about work for the time that I'm there. I want to tan like crazy, read a lot of books, and drink copious amounts of alcohol with strangers. I will also most likely see more concerts on that boat than I have in my life, so there's that.
Let the games begin!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
fog.
My brain feels like thick, soupy fog lately. It sucks. I don't know if it's related to the drugs that I'm taking or the recovery or what, but I'm not on my mental A game. I miss being my usual zippy, talkative self. I wonder if that girl will ever return. Instead, it's 9:42pm and I feel like I just ran a marathon. I'm breathing heavily and I feel like I want to curl up and sleep forever. Meanwhile, I've been sitting on a couch for the past couple of hours. Jesus take the wheel, please.
I'm kind of happy that I'm so tired, though, because boredom always leads me to make really risky sexual decisions. I won't even talk about the random ass shit that I have done (and wanted to do) all because I was bored with life. However, I don't think I have it in me this time around. I tried and it just wasn't happening. The motivation is lacking. Which means I'll probably remain untouched until 2018. I mean, my ideal night right now is watching Pretty Little Liars, gchatting for hours with Vest, drinking wine and snacking on Werther's Originals candies. God help me. Let's hope I get a life real soon or else I'm going to have nothing to write about.
I'm kind of happy that I'm so tired, though, because boredom always leads me to make really risky sexual decisions. I won't even talk about the random ass shit that I have done (and wanted to do) all because I was bored with life. However, I don't think I have it in me this time around. I tried and it just wasn't happening. The motivation is lacking. Which means I'll probably remain untouched until 2018. I mean, my ideal night right now is watching Pretty Little Liars, gchatting for hours with Vest, drinking wine and snacking on Werther's Originals candies. God help me. Let's hope I get a life real soon or else I'm going to have nothing to write about.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
i'm excited!
I did basically nothing this weekend, except for a lovely brunch with L&S. It has been raining cats and dogs all weekend and that is not really giving me the motivation to get my lazy ass out of bed. Also, blood clots. I like using the weekend to catch up on sleep and be a waste of space since I don't have to go to work. I'm starting to feel really shitty about it lately, though. I need to not have another weekend of lying prone in my bed. On the bright side, Vest introduced me to Prone Shooting - an Olympic sport that we both feel would I could dominate. I mean, lying down and shooting a gun! I'm already pretty fucking amazing at the former and well, the latter - I could learn! Anyhow, there are things I am happy about today. Here they are:
- OMG AUSSIE TEXTED ME and friended me on Facebook. He doesn't hate me! I'm grinning. I want him to take me tango dancing. I'm going to suggest this as our Date #2. OMG, look ma - I'm dating!
- I am going on a cruise to the Cayman Islands with Life Coach, her fiance, and a friend on Friday! I am so excited to escape this rain, doom and gloom and be in sunny Miami (where we leave from) and then in the Caribbean. SO HAPPY. Also, Life Coach and I haven't talked in forever, so it will be some much needed bonding time. Yay vacation!
- I'm feeling better about my job. I have more responsibility right now and I'm enjoying doing the extra work. I'm starting to feel more renewed.
- I had my first call with my brand new actual life coach and it was amazing. I think we're going to do some really good work together and I'm hoping she can help lead me down a positive path with my career and life. Yay!
Okay, time to order dinner - ain't nobody trying to go out in this rain and I have no food!
Saturday, February 8, 2014
apparently, i'm kind of ready?
On Wednesday night, I went on my first date in umm... like 5 months. And it was at 9:30pm. GO ME! I'm livin' it up, even with one bum lung. Holla! I recently started using Coffee Meets Bagel. Well, that's a lie - I've had it forever and I HATE it. I never feel compelled by the profiles and the interface is not what I'm used to. You get a match every day and the person is friends with someone you're friends with on Facebook. You can reject or accept them. If you both accept, it opens up a text line with them and you can make plans and set up dates, etc etc. The profiles have four photos and some really basic information. I'm more of an OKCupid girl - where I can read someone's profile, get a really good sense of them, have some back and forth, and then go out. The whole 'match a day' thing can get overwhelming if you get a lot of matches that you connect with. Also, I hate not being able to browse. So, I've had this for around 8 months, but have never met anyone off of it, even when I matched with people.
Anyways... on Monday, I matched with a boy that looked fairly cute, was 6'4" and from Australia - and a physics PhD. Yes, please! He texted and I was really pleased to find that we had a lot of stuff in common. He likes musicals and BBC shows and theater and seemed really nice and genuine. We texted back and forth on Monday, and then on Wednesday, he asked if I'd like to get a drink with him that night. Normally, you know I'm not a spontaneous kind of girl, but he was cute and it's been so long that I said yes. Oh, also weird randomness - Vest knows who he is because they have mutual friends in common. So I got assurance from Vest that the Aussie (let's just call him that) was attractive. He also said he was "awkward in a way you would like." That sounded good.
I picked Bloodhound and we got drinks there on Wednesday. It wasn't like my typical dates - I didn't get shitfaced drunk, I kept the sex talk to a minimum, and it was only like two hours - but it was really nice and refreshing. Aussie is even more attractive in person than in photos. He has the most genuine sweet smile I have ever seen on a man. I'm gonna be vain here, but I have a pretty fucking amazing smile. No, seriously, I do. Randos tell me that shit all the time and it's the #1 compliment I receive, so I'm going to just own it at this point. His smile, though - SO much better than mine. I love that he was so passionate about his work and about singing and he loves Argentine dance and knows Hedwig and the Angry Inch (one of my fave plays), but still sleeps with women. I mean - sigh, soon, faint, dead. Like, for real. He was a little shy and reserved, though, which I was nervous about. I think I sometimes fear being my full self in front of guys who aren't as out there as I am. Since we only had one drink, I wasn't really loose enough to be the normal crazy chick I am.
I'm still not sure if he was super into it, though. I mean, we had good conversation. There were some lulls, but I let them be and didn't try to fill the space, which is new for me. He asked me about my sex ed stuff and I talked about bestiality and strippers a bit, so I don't know if that was too much for him. He did make a joke about us going to the Cat Club for Bondage A-Go-Go, which was funny to me. I told him about Bring Your Human Pet Night at Wicked Grounds and he asked me what kind of human pet I would be. He didn't seem that put off by it, but I didn't know if he was just being nice. The one drink thing was weird. He ordered me a drink of my choice and put a card down for tab, but then never asked if I wanted another one. I wasn't sure if I should've asked him if he wanted a drink and bought him one. It was weird, but we both needed to be up early the next day so maybe that was it. Then, there was the moment when I made fun of people who carry backpacks to bars and of course, he had a backpack. LORD ALMIGHTY. I apologized profusely and he said all was forgiven, but a real foot in the mouth moment there.
Our goodbye was so awkward. Basically, he had to leave to head back to the East Bay and I had an 8am the next morning, so we left the bar. He asked how I was getting home and I told him by bus, which was right near his BART station. We walked there and I enjoyed the talk on the walk back. He's lowkey funny and made some jokes and quips that led me to believe that we could get on well. My bus was coming, though, and I was about to miss it, so he ran to hold it for me. Then we did an awkward hug as the bus driver and the people on the bus were watching (I hate people looking at me lol) and he gave me that amazing smile and I waved at him as the bus pulled off. I texted him to say I had a good time and would like to hang out again and goodnight. He wrote back and said he had a good time, too. And now we play that waiting game that is SO annoying with dating. I texted him today but I had forgotten he was going to wine country with his acapella group, so it was a brief exchange. I feel like our second date should be something more active and less just us sitting. If he'll have me, I'm going to suggest going out dancing. I've never done any Argentine tango, but it sounds sexy and an excuse for me to wear this brand new HOT red dress I bought. Stay tuned!
Anyways... on Monday, I matched with a boy that looked fairly cute, was 6'4" and from Australia - and a physics PhD. Yes, please! He texted and I was really pleased to find that we had a lot of stuff in common. He likes musicals and BBC shows and theater and seemed really nice and genuine. We texted back and forth on Monday, and then on Wednesday, he asked if I'd like to get a drink with him that night. Normally, you know I'm not a spontaneous kind of girl, but he was cute and it's been so long that I said yes. Oh, also weird randomness - Vest knows who he is because they have mutual friends in common. So I got assurance from Vest that the Aussie (let's just call him that) was attractive. He also said he was "awkward in a way you would like." That sounded good.
I picked Bloodhound and we got drinks there on Wednesday. It wasn't like my typical dates - I didn't get shitfaced drunk, I kept the sex talk to a minimum, and it was only like two hours - but it was really nice and refreshing. Aussie is even more attractive in person than in photos. He has the most genuine sweet smile I have ever seen on a man. I'm gonna be vain here, but I have a pretty fucking amazing smile. No, seriously, I do. Randos tell me that shit all the time and it's the #1 compliment I receive, so I'm going to just own it at this point. His smile, though - SO much better than mine. I love that he was so passionate about his work and about singing and he loves Argentine dance and knows Hedwig and the Angry Inch (one of my fave plays), but still sleeps with women. I mean - sigh, soon, faint, dead. Like, for real. He was a little shy and reserved, though, which I was nervous about. I think I sometimes fear being my full self in front of guys who aren't as out there as I am. Since we only had one drink, I wasn't really loose enough to be the normal crazy chick I am.
I'm still not sure if he was super into it, though. I mean, we had good conversation. There were some lulls, but I let them be and didn't try to fill the space, which is new for me. He asked me about my sex ed stuff and I talked about bestiality and strippers a bit, so I don't know if that was too much for him. He did make a joke about us going to the Cat Club for Bondage A-Go-Go, which was funny to me. I told him about Bring Your Human Pet Night at Wicked Grounds and he asked me what kind of human pet I would be. He didn't seem that put off by it, but I didn't know if he was just being nice. The one drink thing was weird. He ordered me a drink of my choice and put a card down for tab, but then never asked if I wanted another one. I wasn't sure if I should've asked him if he wanted a drink and bought him one. It was weird, but we both needed to be up early the next day so maybe that was it. Then, there was the moment when I made fun of people who carry backpacks to bars and of course, he had a backpack. LORD ALMIGHTY. I apologized profusely and he said all was forgiven, but a real foot in the mouth moment there.
Our goodbye was so awkward. Basically, he had to leave to head back to the East Bay and I had an 8am the next morning, so we left the bar. He asked how I was getting home and I told him by bus, which was right near his BART station. We walked there and I enjoyed the talk on the walk back. He's lowkey funny and made some jokes and quips that led me to believe that we could get on well. My bus was coming, though, and I was about to miss it, so he ran to hold it for me. Then we did an awkward hug as the bus driver and the people on the bus were watching (I hate people looking at me lol) and he gave me that amazing smile and I waved at him as the bus pulled off. I texted him to say I had a good time and would like to hang out again and goodnight. He wrote back and said he had a good time, too. And now we play that waiting game that is SO annoying with dating. I texted him today but I had forgotten he was going to wine country with his acapella group, so it was a brief exchange. I feel like our second date should be something more active and less just us sitting. If he'll have me, I'm going to suggest going out dancing. I've never done any Argentine tango, but it sounds sexy and an excuse for me to wear this brand new HOT red dress I bought. Stay tuned!
Monday, February 3, 2014
i want to think i'm ready, but i'm pretty sure i'm not ready.
Illness is so not a good look on me. I don't like to deny myself anything, especially something my body really likes and enjoys. Right now, that something is sex. I miss sex. Preferably with another human being, but even alone is pretty damn good. Unfortunately, my body goes into something like a deep coma anytime anything even remotely approaching an orgasm is achieved. Oh yeah, BTW - this may be a TMI post. Welcome to the blog!
Anyhow, I want to get back into that whole dating scene, but I don't know if I'm ready. The thought of going out at night with a man after work makes me ill. Hell, the thought of going out with my FRIENDS after work makes me ill. I am so tired right now I can barely see straight. This was my first day back at work where I actually spent close to 8 hours - I had a fuckton of meetings and did a bunch of work. I want to die. So of course, because I'm a terrible person and hate myself, I'm pursuing like 6 leads (yes, I view men as leads until they prove themselves to be worth more than that) and I may have two dates coming up. What is my life?! I need to slow my roll before I become one of those Sex Put Me in the ER stories. Although, not gonna lie - being on that show would probably be the highlight of my life. I love me some drama.
Anyhow, I want to get back into that whole dating scene, but I don't know if I'm ready. The thought of going out at night with a man after work makes me ill. Hell, the thought of going out with my FRIENDS after work makes me ill. I am so tired right now I can barely see straight. This was my first day back at work where I actually spent close to 8 hours - I had a fuckton of meetings and did a bunch of work. I want to die. So of course, because I'm a terrible person and hate myself, I'm pursuing like 6 leads (yes, I view men as leads until they prove themselves to be worth more than that) and I may have two dates coming up. What is my life?! I need to slow my roll before I become one of those Sex Put Me in the ER stories. Although, not gonna lie - being on that show would probably be the highlight of my life. I love me some drama.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)