last post ever.

It's the last day of 2014. This year was a fucking roller coaster, and I'm happy as hell that it's over. 2015 is a new year. I'm going to turn 30. I'm going to try to inch closer to adulthood. In that vein, this is my last post here. I never really got into this blog the way I have my old ones, so I'm shutting it down. I'm starting a new grown-up blog over on Wordpress called "Tears. Sweat. Sea." Nothing's up there now, but I have a few posts in the queue and I'll be writing there regularly next year. It'll be a little different. A little less anonymous, a little more raw and honest, and hopefully updated more regularly.

Happy New Year, everyone! I wish you all the best!

yay! i have a theme for 2015.

I've been struggling to figure out what I wanted 2015 to be about. As most of you know, 2014 was Year of Fun. Somehow, it was successful! I made a lot of plans, kept them, and did some epically fun shit with my friends. I cut off some old ties, established some boundaries, and tried some new things. Fun was had, even though the year started off with a blood clot (or 10).

After a long time of thinking about what I want in 2015, I've decided it will be a new YoF - Year of Fitness. By fitness, I mean my emotional, mental, spiritual, sexual, financial and physical health. It's time for me to look at the different pieces of my life and make sure they are healthy. I want to get my money right - it's time to actually live with a budget and save more and have a plan for my finances. I want to start meditating and doing yoga to get some zen back in my life. I can't just drink all my problems away (although, it's pretty damn fun to do that). I want to continue to reevaluate my friendships and relationships and make sure they are healthy and reciprocal. I want to have more sex (and better sex), even if it's just with myself. Lastly, I want to get fit. I've never much cared about weight or anything - I don't want to become someone who lives and dies by the scale - but I do care about feeling like my body is capable of anything. I want to get back into my athlete mindset and really push my body to its limits. It's going to be agonizing, but it's time. I want my old body back, the one that could run, jump, and sprint. Also, sleeping better. I have the most fucked up sleep schedule of anyone I know. It's time to fix that.

2015 - I'm ready for you!

i deleted my online dating profiles.

All of them. No Tinder, no Coffee Meets Bagel, no Hinge, no OKCupid. I think this is the first time since graduating college that I haven't been actively online dating. It's kind of nice. I just want to start 2015 with a clean slate. I am really tired of the annoying, soul sucking nature of online dating and a break is necessary. It's weird, though, because I have very little outlets for flirting, which I miss. I'm kind of hoping that if I tone down the online shit, I'll be more likely to force myself to be in situations where I meet people in the real world. More bars, more clubs, more extracurricular activities where single men may be present. This is the goal, although I'm sure I'll probably end up reactivating all my shit sometime in January when I get bored and want attention. I'm just considering it a little sabbatical from online dating. My hopes are not all that high, but at least I won't be dealing with disappointing bullshit for a little while. That's always a plus.

thoughts from christmas break.

This was the first year that I didn't really want to go home. I don't know why... I just felt unsettled and I wanted to stay put in SF. Also, there's been so much traveling this year and I was hoping for the chance to chill and relax. So, I decided to shorten my stay in NY and come back to SF early so I could spend New Years there. I have no plans, which is kind of scary, but I really just want to relax and prepare for the New Year.

Today, the fam went to go look for a kitten to keep my mom company. We didn't find one, so the hunt continues! It's kind of strange to be home without a pet in the house. Catface (RIP) didn't like me much, but it was nice to have her presence and she was super friendly when she wanted to be fed. The house just feels kind of empty without an animal to keep us company. I'm hoping we find a new kitten soon!

I'm trying to plan out what things look like for me in the New Year. This year was the Year of Fun and I think it went really well, even despite hating my job and almost dying like 5 days into the year. I'm not sure what I want my theme to be for 2015. I'm turning 30, which is CRAZY. I still act feel like I'm in my mid-twenties. There are several things that I want to focus on - love, adulthood, finding my passion and purpose, traveling, being a kick-ass event marketer. I think 2015 is going to be a good year. It just has to be. I'm really ready to make certain things happen for myself this year. 2014 was a lot of dullness, a lot of being unhappy and unfulfilled at my job, and really not knowing where or who I wanted to be. Now, the cloud is lifting and I am looking forward to January 1st.

Anyway, I have to pop away to go wrap all of my gifts for the fam. Have a happy holiday, everyone!

late night blogging.

Vest told me to blog about something interesting. There really is nothing interesting going on in my life right now, so I will just blog. I will probably be pulling an all-nighter to get all my shit done before tomorrow. Hosting a party is hard work!

I'm saddened by the lack of men in my life, but at the same time, I'm kind of feeling a bit lazy and icky, so maybe it's for the best. This is definitely nowhere near my longest sexual drought, but I miss flirtation. I have pretty much no prospects right now, though. The holidays always seem to be a huge dating drought. I wish something fun would happen while I'm home in New York, but the likelihood is that I will just see 10 movies with Cindy and spend a lot of time at my parents' house in my pajamas. I've even stopped waxing, that's how bleak shit is.

I had my first workout with my new trainer today. I'm really going to start recommitting myself to fitness. I've lost so many parts of my personality over the years, and many of them I don't miss. I'm not as shy as I used to be. I'm way more comfortable with sex and sexuality than I've ever been before. I am no longer afraid to be myself. However, I miss my old athleticism. I've found all the changes to my body and my weight gain really interesting over the past couple of years. My trainer was asking me if I was overweight as a child, which sparked my memories of being much smaller. My best friend in middle school would call me grasshopper, because I was long-legged and slender. Most of that was due to my insane workout regimen aka playing every sport under the sun. I will say this - my parents forced me to do a lot of shit I hated, but sports - that was one of the best things I was forced to do. I was on the swim team, played lacrosse, field hockey, and volleyball. I miss those days.

I get into random bouts of working out - a 30 day boot camp here or there - times when I'm really focused on putting my body through the ringer. Lately, I just haven't had the motivation. I've gone a good 18 months without really focusing on my body and I hate it. I have no desire to be thin (Team #thicksnack forever), but I am not loving all of the areas where my weight has settled. If I could get on that Nicki Minaj track, that would be awesome. I love food, so I'm never going to be one of those girls who is like OMG SALAD ALL DAY EVERYDAY. So, in exchange I need to tap into my youthful love of workouts and get my booty moving. The session was good today - I like her and I think we're going to really work on a holistic plan to improve my overall health. Yay!

Okay, this is already too long and I have cleaners coming in T minus 4 hours. Happy holidays!

work is a never-ending roller coaster.

I like my job right now. I really do. The reorg seems amazing - I'm getting to work on a new brand, while also keeping a lot of the events that I love. I like my teammates - there's one that I'm a little lukewarm on, but she's generally okay. Everyone is pretty zen for the most part, and we have a lot of fun together. I think 2015 is going to be crazy busy, but I'm ready for it. I had a really nice, slow year, and I think next year it's time to kick it into high gear. I want to get promoted, I want to work on a bunch of new events, and I want to find my niche on the team.

Of course, because I'm happy, I just found out that my references for the government job I'm pursuing are being contacted this week! Holy ish! I'm excited, because I want to see how far I can get in this process, but I'm also scared. I'm just starting to like things at work and feel like I have a place there, so of course shit is getting mixed up now and a new opportunity is presenting itself. I guess it's a good problem to have, but I'm very curious to see what happens next. This process is super freaking slow, so I don't think I'd have any real concrete sense of what's going to happen until June, but it's still exciting/terrifying!

jesus lord, i need to stop drinking.

These past four days have been out of fucking control. I am reminded that I am not 22 anymore and cannot be doing this shit on the regular. Thursday night was our holiday party - it was fun! Vest and I split a bottle of wine at my house, then met the work girls for drinks at Raven. Then we all hit up the party. It was a good time - drinking, dancing, an ice luge, acrobats, snapchatting - I didn't even drink that much, but I didn't have any food, so I was a hot mess. I came home, cooked a bunch of eggs and ate them in front of my Christmas tree and then passed out. My life is sad lulz.

Friday, I could not move. It was the worst hangover of my life. I was in so much pain and there was no way I was going to work. Headache, stomachache - hell, my motherfucking FACE hurt. It was tragic. I overslept and missed a meeting. I had a dream about missing the meeting. I could do no things that whole entire day. Aging is real, y'all. Then, Saturday was gay brunch. SO much fun as usual! We tried a new place, Monsieur Benjamin, and it was lovely yummy goodness. After brunch, I was going to go home and be good and take a nap, but that all got flushed down the drain when two of my friends texted and were like - COME PLAY BINGO! I figured I could still take a nap, but then their request was - come over to Life Coach's house now and let's drink and play Sorry. Because I can't say no, I ventured out to play with them. Wine and watching TV at LC's house turned into bingo, where we fucking dominated! I won round one and got a top shelf Long Island iced tea (mind you, this was after two pint glasses of whiskey gingers). There was a jello shot involved and a shot of fireball that I can barely recall. Then we won Round 3, which is the $50 bar tab round. I was lowkey wasted and it wasn't even 8pm. Eventually, I Ubered home where I proceeded to order a Postmates burrito delivery from the car. I came home and faceplanted in my bed, only to be awoken by my bell ringing and the burrito. Eating it was like seeing the face of God, no fucking lie. Then I passed out.

Today, I simply could not. I canceled on brunch and I canceled on a party in Oakland. Major flakage. I napped forever and could only really get out of bed to get my prescription so I can stop being delinquent with my pills. So yes, me and alcohol are going to have an arm's length relationship for a little bit. I think it's for the best if we see other people - at least until my Christmas party on Friday.

why am i awake?

It is 2:30am and I am wide awake, finishing up a list. Today was a lot of running around, but I feel SO ahead of the game. I got up before 8am, went to Target, bought all kinds of Christmas goodies, then headed out to get a mani/pedi for my holiday party this week, and topped it off with buying hair for my twists. Then, I came home and wrangled the shit out of this Christmas tree. I swear to God, I've been feeling so lonely lately, and putting up that tree was the icing on the cake. I couldn't figure out how to get the lights to turn on and all the plugs were all messed up and I was like - JESUS CHRIST I WISH I HAD A MAN/HETEROSEXUAL LIFE PARTNER/HOMOSEXUAL LIFE PARTNER/ROOMMATE TO HELP ME WITH THIS SHIT. In the end, though, I figured it out and now I have a lovely Christmas tree to sit by at night. Whew. Crisis averted.

I don't know what this weird melancholy is that has settled over me. Maybe I just need to be social and that will help. I also need to be awake in 4 hours to head down to Mountain View for work. Ick. I need to get some better sleeping habits in 2015. Maybe that's what I should ask for for Christmas.

overwhelmed.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by life today, so I'm doing what I need to do - going into this weird hermit mode. I feel like I have so many things to do and so little time to do them in. It's funny - I used to LOVE the holiday season as a kid. Christmas is one of my favorite holidays and the magic of the season is inspiring. However, now that I'm a full-fledged adult (well, sort of), it's just stressful. There's the holiday travel - booking a flight to New York is not cheap - plus it cuts into how much Christmas time I get in my permanent home. Then, I always throw a party, so I get to be all stressed out about how my apartment looks and who to invite and decorating and all that shit. Oh, and gifts - I am the world's worst gift-giver, so it takes me about 3x the normal amount of time to decide what to buy my family. This year, I have an event in February, so that means I can't really coast at work because I have to be planning, planning, planning. Then, there's the social aspect of it all - trying to see friends, going to holiday parties, work obligations. I just want to be ~still~ for a moment, but it seems as though that is impossible. So I can just sit here stressed out, making lists, watching TV, and running errands. I really need to start a meditation practice or do yoga or something. My whole life is seriously devoid of Zen. It's moments like this when I want to should out to the world - I KNOW I SEEM LIKE I LOVE PEOPLE AND GOING PLACES AND SHIT, BUT I AM A FREAKING INTROVERT, AND I NEED TO BE ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS.

That's all.

real life sucks.

Ugh, vacation is over. I'm excited to be back in the city and see friends, but I'm not excited about work. I am SO far behind on this February event - it's insane. I cannot fuck around anymore. I have ALL the meetings and need to get so much done for them. I'm also tired as hell, but luckily tomorrow is Friday and I just need to get through the day. Then I can come home and relax for the night.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm failing at work, even when I know I'm not. It's not even that others make me feel this way - it's just that based on my own standards, I fall short. I know I need to stop doing this to myself - it doesn't help anything and it stresses me out. Right now, I'm at peak anxiety. Also I think exhaustion and jetlag have something to do with it, but I need to power through. It will all be okay. The best thing about events - they have an end date.

i love scotland!

I've only been here for four days, and I'm in love. My last trip to Scotland was mostly all about the Highlands - I spent like 10 hours in Edinburgh. Most of my time was spent traipsing through the countryside of Scotland, looking at sheep and running up hills. This trip, I've only seen like 10 sheep and it was while I was on the train. Instead, I've been exploring the city life here, and I absolutely adore it. I'll update more later, but both Glasgow and Edinburgh are amazing -- I never want to leave.

It feels so nice to be away from the world. I was nervous coming here, but AM and I had the BEST time. I miss her so much. It's so crazy to think how we've become such good friends. I remember when I barely knew her and now we've grown so close. I really cherish her friendship - so unexpected, but so welcome. I've been alone for the past two days, exploring Glasgow. I'm proud of myself - I didn't pull any hermit shit. I've been out and about and walking like a crazy person. I've even taken the subway! Exploring everything I possibly can. Tomorrow, I head off to London because it's so much easier to grab a flight to SFO from there.

I'm not looking forward to reentering the real world. I have a Christmas party to plan. I am super far behind on this event I'm leading. I'm struggling with my role for next year on the team. Also, I had a recruiter reach out to me about another job at another company. Oh, and there's the whole Foreign Service thing. Top it all off with me having no idea what I want to do for New Year's - there's just too many people to see and too many options, so in my paralysis I'm doing nothing. Arg, real life - I'm stressed already and I still have about 36 hours of freedom.

Anyhow, I'm loving Europe - it is amazing. More to come. Miss everyone! Oh, and I love British television. I can't sleep at night because I'm too busy watching these zany sitcoms. #love