off to europe!

I would love to write about all the feelings I've been feeling about Ferguson and the clusterfuck that is being black in America (and the fact that I work with people who don't know what is happening in Ferguson ::dazed blank look::), but I don't have the emotional capacity to do that right now. Instead, let's talk about the fact that in 7 hours I'll be flying to Edinburgh to meet up with AM and spend an amazing weekend exploring the city! Then I head out to Glasgow on Monday for two days of solo exploration. Then Londontown! I cannot wait. I love the UK - it's so magical and wonderful, and with the start of the Christmas season, I'm sure it'll be even more precious.

I feel so fortunate that I've been able to go on some really cool trips over the past year. Traveling has been a constant source of pleasure for me, and I know I'm not going to have the same amount of time next year to do all of this stuff, so I have to get it in now. I am so looking forward to going to haunted castles, seeing the Underground of Scotland, and visiting every little pub I can possibly find.

in new york!

Let the Thanksgiving break begin! I got in to JFK at 6pm today and now I'm at home, staying in my brother's room, since my other brother's girlfriend is in my old room. This is the first time meeting my youngest brother's long-term girlfriend. My youngest brother is my favorite for sure, so this probably makes me biased, but I really like her! She's personable, sweet, and kind, but a little spunky. She's cute, but in that casual laid-back way. Not a lot of makeup or showiness - just adorable. I support it. It's kind of weird being back home where 2/3 of my brothers have significant others and I'm just alone, but my oldest brother is also #foreveralone so that takes some of the sting out of it.

I'm tired as hell, but looking forward to a whirlwind trip. I don't have much time here - that's the downside to getting in on a Sunday and still having work the next day. Tomorrow is reunion dinner and sleepover with my old NYC work girls. Tuesday, I'm hoping to see Jamabam; Wednesday is movie time; Thursday is Thanksgiving, and on Friday I leave for Scotland. As per usual, my life is banana cakes crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way! It's kind of crazy that I have 3 more trips to make before the end of the year!

i finally got my chart read!

Most of you know that I'm into a lot of New Age craziness - I love psychics, astrology, and anything esoteric. I've been that way since I was a little girl, and it just works for me. Some people have religion, some people have no religion, and I'm just sitting over here like a little hippie, believing in the mysteries of the universe. I've been dying to get a chart reading my whole life. I've dabbled in it a little bit, but I've never had the kind of reading I had yesterday. I told Vest that I thought it was better than anyone I've seen thus far. I think a lot of it had to do with having something physical and tangible to refer to - my birth chart.

Basically, the process went as follows - I submit my exact birth date, time, and location, and the astrologer creates a birth chart with a map of where all of the planets were in the sky at that time. Then, on top of that chart, he looks at where the planets are now and over the next year and what that means in relation to my unique birth chart. The reading is basically him going through your personality and identifying strengths and weaknesses and telling you how you can get to your true path. I LOVE LOVE LOVE personality tests - from Myers Briggs, Insights, Strengthsfinder, etc. - so I enjoy this activity immensely.

Most of what he said were things I already know about myself. I'm a Virgo, but my rising sign is Libra, and people often misconstrue and misunderstand me, which is 100% true. I don't know if anyone out there really "gets" me completely - it's the great tragedy of my life. We talked about career and love - the two things that are constantly eluding me. Or to quote @sororityproblem, "My favorite American Horror Story is my love life." My job is a close second. We spoke about my desire for entrepreneurship. He said that it is all there - that I have the capacity and the personality to do it, but I have to take some steps first. One, get my money right. I've never had a reason to really watch my funds (which, let me tell you is a tremendous piece of privilege that I struggle with daily). If I'm going to take the risk of doing my own thing, I have to start caring about the health of my finances. The next piece is deciding what I want to do. Based on my chart, the main thing I need to keep in mind is that I have to be doing something that puts ME first. Not doing something because the money is good (ie wedding planning), but doing something that puts my unique personality and interests at the forefront. It was interesting food for thought.

He highlighted my people-pleasing, and the fact that I am an extremely opinionated person who does everything she can to make other people comfortable and subvert those opinions. I have a really, really strong personality. In my core, I'm the kind of person that people either hate or love, but when I first meet people I hide that in the hopes of getting along with everyone. He says if I stop doing that, it might help attract the kind of love that I need. As far as love goes, I am picky and fickle and I need to be my real self, in order to attract a mate on the same level as I am. He said I'm not the type who wants an "easy" relationship - I need spark, fire, passion, and some degree of argument. I need a challenge. Good on paper ain't gonna work for me, which is a lesson I've learned well over the years. He told me that I'm very particular about my friends, which is the God's honest truth, and has become truer through the years. Most of my friends from SF can attest to this - I'm starting to burn bridges and silo people that don't fit into my life anymore. He also noted my tendency to put friends in boxes - this is friend I go to for love advice, this is the one I drink with, this is the one I talk to about my career - and he recommended mixing that up a bit. Living with the uncertainty of not knowing how my drinking friend will act if we start talking about jobs. That's a hard thing for me to do, but I'm trying.

Anyway, I'm babbling on and on, but the basic jist is that I really, really enjoyed getting the reading done, and it makes me even more interested in resuming my study of astrology. It was a big hobby of mine growing up. I even think it may have broken me of my psychic/tarot habit!

grown up life.

I struggle with the concept of adulthood. I spent most of my childhood longing to be an adult - chasing after this vision of grown-up perfection that seemed so elusive. I distinctly remember being 6 years old and fascinated with who I would be at 16 (in my mind, 16 was the best age and meant I would be a mature woman... ah, the folly of youth!). For some reason, I imagined myself with a long braid, wearing a lot of gingham and short shorts. Basically, my young mind was picturing my adult self as the black version of Daisy Duke. I would have a boyfriend and straight As and ALL the friends and it would be glorious. When I reached 16, I didn't hit all of those milestones - finding a boyfriend seems to be damn near impossible for me, my hair was short, and I got over my love of gingham - and I realized pretty quickly that my vision of adulthood was extremely naive.

I'm in another phase of longing for adulthood right now. From the outside looking in, everything is settled. I have a good job, I make good money, I live alone, I even go on the occasional date. Yet, I still feel so stuck. I want to feel a sense of permanence that I don't have. I've always been kind of commitment-phobic, but I thought that was mostly in my dating life. The more time passes, though, the more I see this in other aspects of my life. I just want to commit to something and stick to it - a house, a career, a man, a pet, a city. I just don't think I'm going to feel like an adult until I do those things.

2015 is a big year for me. It's time to finally going to get my shit together. If I don't commit to new levels of growth and change, I am never going to feel settled. Until I feel like I'm in a permanent space in my life, I don't think I'm going to be able to achieve the happiness I so desperately crave.

i'm actually doing it.

I am kind of hyperventilating a little bit as I type this, but I've started a serious house hunt in the Bay Area. I don't know what I'm getting into, and I'm scared as fuck, but home ownership is something that may be within my grasp in the next 6 months! I took a look at a property on Friday - it was gorgeous, but a little too suburban for me for right now. Today I'm going to an open house, and I've gone through about 600 listings to find something that can work for me. Shit is real.

I think I'm ready for some type of adulthood. I want to get my shit together before I turn 30. I like many aspects of my life, but there are things that need fixing and dreams that need achieving. I think I've gotten to a good place at work - the storm cloud has lifted and I've committed to moving forward with my career. I want to get promoted this year, and I think it's within reach. The one thing that's really been irking me is my home situation.

My apartment was a really great first apartment for SF. I lucked into this amazing situation where I live in a ginormous place by myself, in a neighborhood near a bunch of my friends. However, there's still something unsatisfying about it. I think it's mostly because it's "not mine." I can't really do anything to it - can't paint, can't get a washer/dryer, can't have a pet. Not to mention the downsides of the actual property - not in a neighborhood I love, my heat is always on (seriously, my apartment stays at 80 degrees most days), there isn't any laundry in the building, and no dishwasher. I want someplace I can put my mark on. 

So now I'm taking all these steps. I'm looking into my finances and working with a loan agent. I hate that I have to pay the "singles tax" - fucking people in relationships. Sometimes I wish I had a man for purely financial reasons. I have a real estate agent lined up (a friend of a friend). I'm going for it! This is insanity, but it's time for me to get my shit together. 2015 is going to be that year. #growingup 

in writing news...

I got chosen to be a curator for Travel Noire! They are a site all about showing the world that contrary to popular belief, black people do travel. They do lots of fun, interesting features and Hangouts with travel experts to help people travel cheaper, better, and more frequently. I'm getting ready to pitch 3 articles to them regarding my upcoming trip to the UK. Not sure if I mentioned it, but the day after Thanksgiving, I am heading out to meet up with AM (my coworker and lovely friend) in Edinburgh. I am SO excited because (1) I miss AM like whoa - she's been doing a rotation in London and I cannot wait for her to get back (2) Scotland is my favorite place on earth #MOARSHEEP, and (3) IT IS CHRISTMAS-TIME THERE AND I CANNOT WAIT.  www.edinburghschristmas.com is a real thing! It looks fabulous - I'm going to all of the events.

I'm still not 100% sure what I want to write about, but I cannot wait to do my first feature for them! Writing + Traveling = my favorite things!

how is it practically mid-november already?

This year is going by so damn quickly. It was definitely the fastest year on record, even though it sucked balls for me. All that angst about my job, my inability to really date... so happy to wash my hands of 2014. I'm trying to brainstorm my theme for 2015. Love? Rebirth? Resurrection? Fulfillment? Not really sure yet... but I still have a little less than two months to ponder this. I'm looking forward to the new year.

I'm throwing myself into new projects at work and it feels really good. I feel like I actually have the capacity to be creative and to think outside the box! I haven't felt that way in forever. It's a nice change of pace at the office. Rededicating myself to being an event manager and figuring out what's important to me and where I excel.

In my romantic life, I'm trying to grow the fuck up and stop dating children. It was a nice little detour (more on that in a later entry), but I'm ready to get off the carousel right now and get back to real life.

I'm thinking of moving. I'm just really over my apartment and my neighborhood. I'm also convinced I'm going to be killed, as two dudes were outside my window with a ladder last night, but I digress. There are so many things about the city I love, but I don't know if I can thrive here. (Shoutout to Vest - thrive like Maya!) So the East Bay may be calling me... seeing as how I cannot afford a new place in SF unless I move to Bayview, which I don't know if I'm willing to do. If I do move, though, buying is the only thing that makes sense. If I'm going to continue to rent, then I'm better off staying in my large, rent-controlled space.

Anyway, change is in the air. I love it.

work update!

I finally have work updates! Yay! I really need to get better about updating this little corner of the internet, but things have been busy lately, and my desire to write has been zapped. Luckily, I'm all settled in right now, getting ready to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta season premiere (OMG MY BODY IS READY FOR ALL THE DRAMA), so I can give a little update on my situation.

I got the pod I wanted! Hallelujah! I kind of knew I was going to get it before it happened, but I wasn't sure who else would be with me. Our pod is going to be a little smaller than the others - we only have 6 people, but everyone is a hard worker and low drama. THANK GOD. I cannot say that for some of the other pods, cuz those bitches be crazy. I have the same boss, which is perfect because she is fun and interesting and doesn't expect us to be chained to our desks 24/7. Also, homegirl can drink. I love a woman who can drink. One of my teammates I've been working with all year and I really like her - she's super creative, a little junior, but really eager and motivated. Two girls sit in the NYC office and then the other girl is someone I've worked with onsite and enjoy spending time with. I'm all set.

I got my performance review for the quarter and I'm exceeding expectations. Yay! My boss wants to start thinking about getting me to that next level over the next year. I'm leading my own event in February and I'm really hoping to have an bigger role on our executive event in early 2015. Things are looking up! I don't feel as stifled as I did before and I'm really ready to get dedicated to my job. There are so many amazing things about working in events, especially at my company, and I'm not ready to give it up just yet. The San Francisco office location, my amazing team, the amount of freedom and flexibility we have. Not to mention, working in events anywhere is pretty sweet. I think I was just in this terrible rut because I (a) didn't have enough work, (b) didn't have work that was challenging in a good way, and (c) this year we got fucked over by having our major project canceled. I'm all about going into 2015 with a positive attitude. Here's hoping I can keep it up!